William Johnston - Max Smart and the Ghastly Ghost Affair

“The last time-”

“I know about the last time. The last time he missed the whole winter of ’61. But this is not the last time. This is this time.” Max looked around nervously. “You’re right-we better start worrying,” he said. He peered into the darkness. “Prospector?” he called. “Are you out there?” There was no response. Max looked at the mule. “Maybe we ought to send Madame DuBarry after him,” he said.

“Fine. But how?”

Max faced the mule. “Parlez-vous Francais?”

“Max, just because his name is Madame DuBarry, that doesn’t mean he speaks French.”

“It’s just as well,” Max said. “We wouldn’t be able to converse, anyway. I speak French fluently, but, unfortunately, I don’t understand a word of it.” He addressed the mule again. “I’ll try to make this as simple as possible,” he said. “Remember the old prospector who was around here a little earlier? Sic ’em!”

The mule stared back at Max.

“Mules are the dumbest of all beasts,” Max said to 99. “This one is stupid in two languages, English and French.”

“Hee-Haw!” the mule protested.

“He’s even poor in mule,” Max said. “I didn’t understand a word of that!”

Looking annoyed, the mule switched its tail aggitatedly-and disappeared.

“Oh, Max!” 99 said. “Now, we’re completely alone.”

“Take it easy, 99. Maybe Madame DuBarry went looking for the old prospector.”

“Do you believe that, Max?”

He shook his head. “It’s my honest opinion, 99, that we just lost the mule, too. I guess we’ll have to try to make it back to town without a guide.” He looked around. “Which way is down?”

“That way, I think-” 99 said, pointing. “I think I remember seeing a path over in that direction.”

“That’s not enough, 99. Was it a path going up or a path going down?”

“Let’s try it and find out,” 99 suggested. “If it goes up, we can turn around and take it in the other direction. It won’t go up in both directions?”

“How can we be so sure about that?” Max asked. “99-be honest with me, now-have you been up on this mountain before?”

“Max, of course not!”

“I hope not. When we told each other everything about our pasts before we got married, you didn’t say a word about being up here on this mountain and knowing so much about the paths.”

“Max. . honest! It was only a wild guess when I said the path couldn’t go up on both ends.”

“All right.” Max got 99 by the hand and moved cautiously into the darkness. “We’ll go slowly,” he said. “It seems to be headed downward, just as you said, 99. I hope it’s just coincidence. If I ever find out that- Oops!”

“Who bumped me?” a voice asked.

“Old prospector?” Max asked. “Is that you?”

“It’s either me or my mule,” the voice replied. “We been together so long, sometimes I have trouble telling us apart. You that secret agent, Max 86?”

“Yes and no,” Max replied. “The name is Max Smart. It’s the number that’s 86. Where have you been, anyway?”

“Trying to get back,” the voice replied. “But I’m here, now. Let’s not waste a lot of time jawing. Follow me and I’ll lead you down.”

“Where are you?” Max asked.

“Over here.”

“Oh. . yes. . I can see you now. . very dimly. All right, we’re ready.”

“Follow me,” the voice said, “this way. We’ll be-”

“Max! What happened?” 99 asked.

“I’m not sure,” Max replied. “He raised his right arm and waved and that was the last I saw of him.”

Deprived of the expert assistance of the old prospector, Max and 99 started down the mountain path alone again in the darkness.

“Max. . I can’t see a thing!” 99 complained.

“I can’t either, 99. I wonder why we can’t see the town. Surely, those assassins must have at least one lantern lit.”

“Maybe they didn’t bring kerosene.”

“A candle, then.”

“Assassins just aren’t known for lighting candles in the darkness, Max.”

“I guess you’re right. But-99. . are you whispering?”

“No, Max. But I was just going to ask you the same thing. I can hardly hear you.”

“Uhhhh. . 99, do you have the feeling you’re going uphill again? I do. And if you don’t, that probably means that we’re no longer together. Or, to put it another way, that somehow we separated, and you’re still going down, while I’m going up.”

“I think we separated, Max. Turn around and come back this way. I’ll keep talking so you can follow the sound of my voice. How am I coming in? Can you hear me better now?”

“Perfectly, 99.”

“Oh! You startled me. Where are you, right next to me?”

“I’m ahead of you again, 99. Let’s go. Follow me.”

“Max. . maybe we better hold hands.”

“99, we did that all through the courting. Now that we’re married, can’t we cut out all that goopy stuff? We’ll have to sooner or later, anyway, when we have children. You know how kids hate that goopy stuff. You wouldn’t want to lose the respect of the children, would you, 99? They might switch to another channel.”

“They might do what, Max?” 99 asked, baffled.

“Uhh. . run away from home, I meant. The new generation is very TV-conscious, I understand. So, naturally, some of the television terminology gets into the everyday language. I practice bridging the generation gap every chance I get-terminology-wise, that is-in case we have children of our own some day.”

“Do you want children, Max?”

“Of course, 99.”

“Then I think we better continue holding hands every once in a while. That’s how it begins.”

“No kidding!” Max said. “My mother always told me she got me at the grocery store.”

“Max, have you ever seen any children on sale at the A amp; P?”

“Of course not, 99. But I was born in the days of the corner grocery, when you could get personal service. So, I just naturally figured that- 99, have you noticed that we’re not going downhill again any more?”

“Yes, Max. But we’re not going uphill, either. I think we must be down from the mountain. Now all we have to do is find our way back to the town again. It ought to be- Oh, sorry, Max.”

“My fault-I should have warned you I intended to stop. I want to try to get my bearings. As I recall, the mountain was back that way. So, logically, the town ought to be over that way. Is that how you remember it, 99?”

“Max, I can’t see where you’re pointing.”

“Oh. . yes. . well, let me put it another way. that puts the town to my right. Do you- Uhhhhh, you can’t see me, so you don’t know my right from my left-right?”

“Right, Max.” 99 replied. “But, may I make a suggestion?”

“Go right ahead.”

“Max, if you think the town is to the right, then-considering the various experiences we’ve had in the past-I think we better look for it on the left. I mean, you’re a great hand-holder, Max, but as a direction-finder, you leave a lot to be desired. I hope you won’t resent my frankness.”

“Of course not, 99. Two people, when they’re married, I think, should be frank with each other. Just one word of caution, though, 99. If you have anything frank to say about my breath, I think you better not do it. If you do, our marriage is going to be in big trouble.”

“Honest, Max, you have a very nice breath.”

“Oh. Well, that’s the kind of frankness I can accept. It’s the other kind that I find so objectionable. However, we’ll look for the town on the left, anyway. Because now, after all this delay, I’m so turned-around, I don’t know which was my right and which was my left. And, consequently, by going left we will probably be going right-which will prove that I was right in the first place.” He got hold of 99’s hand. “Come on.”