Doug Allyn - Ellery Queen’s Mystery Magazine. Vol. 134, No. 5. Whole No. 819, November 2009

Grimm was by her side in a flash. “Ms. Victoria, are you all right?”

“It’s... it’s not what I expected.”

“Can you continue?”

“For the moment. I guess. Yes.”

Lorelei said, “Did Nancy steal Andrew’s original idea for Frankie Almond, Victoria? If she did, her position would be a lot more secure if Andrew were out of the way permanently.”

“Wait a minute,” Brett said.

“What?”

“I may not be a real detective, but there’s an obvious question that needs to be asked here. How was the poison administered?”

Eyes turned to the scriptwriter. Lorelei said, “In the almond cordial, presumably.”

“And who poured the almond cordial?”

“It was waiting for us,” Nancy said.

“Exactly,” Brett said, in his Frankie Almond voice. “Grimm?”

Grimm did not respond to the implied accusation immediately.

Victoria said, “Please answer the man, Grimm.”

“I did indeed pour the drinks, Mr. Brett.”

Brett said, “Hey, hey, wait. We’ve forgotten one other thing. And it’s important.”

Voices asked, “What?”

But before Brett could say anything more, Grimm interrupted. “No need to continue, sir.”

“Grimm?” Brett said.

“I confess, Mr. Brett. I confess to the crime. I did it. It’s a fair cop, guv. I poisoned the gentleman.”

“But... but why would you do such a thing, Grimm?” Lorelei asked.

“Yes, why?” Nancy asked.

Despite the confession, Brett insisted on making his point. “There are two things we have all forgotten.”

“What, Brett?” Lorelei asked.

“First,” Brett said, “Andrew was sitting in the seat I was supposed to have. So if the drink there was poisoned, then I would have been the intended victim.”

“Oh my,” Lorelei said.

“Yet it was Andrew who had made the cassette.”

People looked at the sound system.

“The second thing we’ve forgotten,” Brett said, “is that Victoria likes to play jokes.”

“Jokes?”

“I see!” Nancy said with the triumph of discovery. “All this has been a game. You told us at the start that this would be a theme dinner, didn’t you, Victoria?”

After a moment, Victoria said, “I too confess.”

Nancy said, “Andrew dies — which is why he was invited to the party. And the butler did it. Oh, that’s cute, and very classic. Good deduction, Brett. You shall be rewarded... ”

“Thank you,” Brett said.

“However,” Victoria said, “I do apologize for that wretched tape. Andrew made it this afternoon, unsupervised, while I was at the network. Believe me, the script I wrote for him was very different. And much funnier.”

“Andrew didn’t sound like he was trying to be funny.”

“He’s been a very naughty boy. I shall have to punish him severely.”

“I daresay he’ll like that,” Nancy said.

“Although,” Victoria said with a smile, “I must say, my money was on Lorelei to solve the case, what with her plotting skills. But I guess you got too involved in the tape, didn’t you?”

“What he said was serious and unpleasant,” Lorelei said.

At this moment, Grimm coughed. Stagily. “Ms. Victoria?”

“Yes, Grimm?”

“Don’t I get to say why I did it?”

“Ah, the motive,” Nancy said.

“Come on,” Brett said, “tell us, Grimm. Why did you poison Andrew? Was it because he’s a tattoo on the armpit of life?”

“I poisoned him out of jealousy, Mr. Brett. You see, I am hopelessly in love with Ms. Victoria, and I cannot bear to share her with any other man.”

“I’ll bet that was in the original script, Victoria,” Nancy said.

“It certainly was,” Victoria agreed, and laughed. Everyone joined in.

Except Lorelei.

“Well, excuse me for living,” Lorelei said, “but I don’t think this whole thing is funny at all. I thought Andrew was really dead, and dead or not, I do not like personal and private and painful episodes from my life being used for entertainment.”

“I repeat,” Victoria said, “what Andrew said on the tape was as much a surprise to me as to anyone else. I’m sorry if you’re upset, but there’s not much I can do about it now.”

“Lorelei,” Nancy said, “along with the research you do, sensitivity has always been one of your strongest points as a scriptwriter. Unfortunately, sensitivity doesn’t always smooth one’s way through real life.”

“Don’t you patronize me, Nancy Oliver.”

“I was trying to be nice,” Nancy protested. “Jeez.”

“Oh, get Lorelei a fresh drink, please, Grimm,” Victoria said. “In fact, crack open the Champagne. It’s time we all started our serious celebrating.”

With a nod, Grimm went to the Champagne bucket. As he did so, Brett said, “You don’t have some other joke in store for us, do you, Victoria? Nobody’s going to get kidnapped, are they? No bomb in the bombe surprise? ”

“No more games, Brett, I promise.”

“And no more of that disgusting almond cordial, either, I hope,” Nancy said.

“No.”

There was a bang, but it was neither a bomb nor a gun. The cork had flown from the Champagne bottle, injuring no one. Grimm began his rounds at the table, pouring the sparkling liquid into yet more of the special goblets with Brett’s face that had been set out for each guest.

“We’re watching you, Grimm,” Brett said.

“Very wise, sir,” Grimm said as he went to Lorelei’s place. “Ms. Lorelei?”

“Yes, all right. I shouldn’t, but perhaps I shall. I suppose we need to look forward, not back. So, yes, by God, I shall.”

“Very good, Ms.,” Grimm said.

“And perhaps you should pour some for yourself, too, Grimm, and then taste it before we have any.”

“A most excellent suggestion, if I may say so, Ms. Lorelei.” Grimm filled her goblet.

“Thank you, Grimm.”

He continued around the table.

“Thanks, Grimm,” Nancy said.

“I’ve been looking forward to this not just all day, but all my life,” Victoria said. “A prime-time television series. Something very special. A real opportunity.”

“Thank you, Grimm,” Brett said. “It looks great.”

Victoria added, “Use Andrew’s goblet for your Champagne, Grimm. I had intended to invite him back for the meal, but in view of his behavior he can damn well stay in the living room. Naughty boys don’t deserve Champagne. And need I tell you? This is the real stuff. Vintage. French. The whole nine yards.”

Grimm poured for himself. “Ms. Victoria.” He lifted Andrew’s goblet to her. He gestured to the others. “Facilitators of Frankie.”

Victoria lifted her goblet. “And now, may I once again propose a toast? To you all. To us all. Nancy Oliver, director — and creator — of this fine series. Lorelei Penfold, writer of the best damned scripts you’d ever want to see. Brett Kingsley, the perfect embodiment of the classic private eye. And not forgetting myself, the series producer. She who put this whole thing together. I give you Frankie Almond.”

They all lifted their goblets to Frankie Almond.

But before anyone drank Brett interrupted. “Hey, hey. Grimm first.”

“Sir,” Grimm said with a bow. After sniffing the bouquet, he drank. “Most efficacious. Although to be absolutely certain of your collective safety I’d best take some more.”

“Frankie Almond,” was the toast, repeated by them all. They all drank. The Champagne was, indeed, top drawer. There were several sounds of approval.

But not from Nancy. She coughed. “Victoria, I thought you said no more tricks.”