Doug Allyn - Ellery Queen’s Mystery Magazine. Vol. 134, No. 5. Whole No. 819, November 2009

“Original?” Andrew muttered, but if anyone heard him there was no reaction.

Nancy said, “Well, Frankie... What can I say? He just came to me out of the blue one day.”

But before she could recall the day, or the blue, Andrew interrupted. “Ain’t that the truth.”

This time Nancy was unwilling to let the grumbling from the man on her right continue. “Excuse me, Victoria,” she said, “but just what is your good-looking, if slightly shop-soiled, friend doing at a Frankie Almond event? It’s your party, of course, but although we’ve never even been properly introduced he keeps talking to me. Do you think he might be making a pass? And if so, don’t you think you should pack him off somewhere? Perhaps let Grimm teach him what is appropriate behavior and what isn’t?”

Victoria was not pleased with Andrew or the interruption. “Andrew, please. Contain yourself.”

“Sorry, Vic,” Andrew said. His tone was humble, but he didn’t make eye contact.

Nancy resumed. “Frankie Almond... Well, in truth Frankie was a reaction to the current fad for novelty. Everywhere you look somebody is touting yet another new exotic detective. There are children detectives, ghost detectives, ancient Romans, monks, and Martians all solving murders these days. I even think there are plans for a dog as TV sleuth — and not a cartoon. So I thought, what on earth is wrong with a good old-fashioned private eye? And that’s how Frankie Almond was born.”

Lorelei, who wrote the script for the pilot, chimed in. “I think of Frankie as the archetype of private detection. He’s elegant, and classic. He’s intelligent, handsome, witty, sexy, wealthy.”

Victoria smiled and nodded. “Lorelei, you’ve put Almond in a nutshell.”

Nancy, who directed the pilot, continued. “And, Victoria, by casting Brett in the title role, I think you’ve given Frankie Almond the perfect physical embodiment.”

“Aw shucks,” Brett said, in mock modesty, “you’re just trying to make me blush.”

“Wait till I get you alone.” Nancy laughed, pretending she wasn’t serious.

But Victoria said, “Children, children, control yourselves. Which, in fact, brings up a serious point that does need to be addressed.”

The others were surprised by the notion that they’d have to consider something serious. They fell silent.

Victoria continued, “With success comes responsibility. Especially since Frankie will be in prime time. It is now incumbent on us all to avoid scandal of any kind. At least until the second series.”

“What sort of scandal did you have in mind, sweetie?” Lorelei asked in a tone of voice that encouraged each of the guests to think of something he or she had never tried but might fancy.

“All I mean is that you must lock the doors before and do up your buttons after. Don’t buy anything illegal or immoral — let a friend do it for you. No insider dealing with the money you’re about to earn. And don’t say anything to anyone in the media if you don’t want to see it in headlines. Basic privacy and no arrests. I trust that’s not too much to hope for.”

Positive sounds from around the table were encouraging.

“Good,” Victoria said. “We understand each other. So, please, everyone, raise the smallest of my sister’s ‘Frankie face’ goblets. You’ll find it to the right of your plate, just north of the forks. Grimm took the liberty of pouring you each a small celebratory libation. I now wish to propose a toast.”

Lorelei asked, “Is that going to be an almond toast?”

“Great minds, Lorelei. As it happens, the liqueur in question is an almond cordial. So raise your goblets. I give you Frankie Almond, Private Eye.”

Everybody echoed, “ Frankie Almond, Private Eye, ” and drank.

Then Andrew coughed.

Nancy said, “Wow, is this stuff disgusting, or what?”

“Just don’t tell Entertainment Tonight, ” Victoria said cheerily.

“If it meant success for the series,” Brett said, “I’d happily drink it every day.”

But Andrew’s problem was not just that some of the unusual liqueur had gone down the wrong way. He continued to cough, and choke, and then he began to thrash.

Nancy, next to him, at first assumed this was some kind of attention-seeking maneuver but after looking more carefully at his face even she was concerned. “Andrew? Are you all right?”

But Nancy’s concern didn’t result in a cure. Andrew choked again and, perhaps responding to her voice, he sprawled over Nancy, her place setting, the whole shebang.

“Get off me,” Nancy said. “I mean it. Get off. Stop messing.”

Andrew did get off. He rolled onto the floor.

From her position across the table Lorelei said, “It looks like he had a fit.”

Brett, next to Lorelei, was concerned for Nancy. “Are you all right?”

Nancy was fine and said so, but Lorelei stood up to see where Andrew was lying. “He’s gone limp.”

Victoria intervened. “Grimm,” she said, “please see to Andrew.”

“Yes, Ms. Victoria.” Grimm moved to where Andrew lay sprawled on the dining room carpet and knelt. After a few moments of examination he rose. He shook his head.

“Grimm?” Victoria said, anxiety in her voice.

“Ms. Victoria, I regret to inform you that the gentleman is dead.”

There were gasps from around the table.

Victoria said, “Dead? Are you sure?”

“Yes, Ms. Victoria. I worked for three years in an abattoir. I know dead when I see it.”

“Has he... had a heart attack?”

“Of that I cannot be certain, Ms. Victoria.”

“Well,” Victoria said, “that’s quite put me off my food. I must say, we don’t get many people dying between the apéritif and the hors d’oeuvres where I come from, but this is New York, I suppose.”

Lorelei was shocked. “Victoria! How can you be so heartless? And him your boyfriend.”

“Hardly a boy,” Victoria said. “And this is still a special night, once-in-a-lifetime for us all. Frankie is still going to series, and I can hardly expect my guests to dig into their tucker with a corpse lying on the floor. Grimm, remove Andrew, please. Take him to the living room.”

“Yes, Ms. Victoria.”

As the other guests watched in stunned disbelief, Grimm took Andrew’s feet and dragged his body toward the door.

Finally it was Lorelei who asked, “Is that something he ought to be doing? I mean, shouldn’t we be leaving the evidence alone?”

Victoria asked, “What do you mean, evidence?”

“Well, Andrew seemed healthy a couple of minutes ago. There’s going to have to be an autopsy, and the police will need to be involved.”

“I’d really rather not,” Victoria said.

Nancy was less certain about police involvement. “At least don’t you think that maybe Grimm should call a doctor?”

“Grimm will do everything that’s required.”

And by that time Grimm had dragged Andrew’s remains through to the living room. A few moments later he returned, closing the door behind him. “Ms. Victoria?”

“Yes, Grimm?”

“I have laid the corpus by the white leather couch, but I have the sad obligation to inform you that it is my belief that the gentleman was poisoned.”

Now, Victoria was aghast. “Poisoned? But Grimm, that would mean that one of us murdered him.”

“Exactly so, Ms. Victoria,” Grimm said.

As the first shock of Grimm’s news sank in, the people around the table tried to reconstruct what had happened. As members of the Frankie Almond, Private Eye production team, they even felt that they had qualifications for the job, of a sort.