Саманта Сильвер: Lipstick On A Pig

“Excuse me,” I heard a voice in front of me say. I looked up to see a young woman, probably around my age, holding a little girl’s hand. They both had exactly the same shade of blonde hair, the girl was dressed in pink from head to toe. The woman was carrying a Louis Vuitton purse, with Gucci sunglasses on her head, and a Hermes scarf around her neck. She was so not dressed for a petting zoo. The woman was frowning.

“Yes, how can I help you?” I asked, plastering a smile on my face.

“My niece came here expecting to see cows. There aren’t any cows.”

“That’s right, every year we have a local farmer who generously creates the petting zoo out of his animals, he chooses what animals to send every year, and this year he doesn’t have any calves.”

“Well we came here to see cows.”

“I’m afraid there aren’t any calves at the petting zoo this year. But we do have goats, sheep, chickens—”

“I want a refund. There are no cows.”

“The petting zoo is by donation. I’m afraid we can’t give money back, as we don’t know how much you put in to begin with.”

“Well I’ll tell you how much I put in; I gave twenty-five cents. A quarter for my niece, since she was the only one who was going to pet an animal. And she didn’t even get to see a cow.”

I sighed. Twenty-five cents. Of course. I didn’t begrudge people not giving a lot of money. In fact, I knew that some people couldn’t pay anything at all, and that was fine. But the clothes this woman was wearing easily cost more than what I made in a month, so I knew that wasn’t her problem. And quite frankly, while twenty-five cents wasn’t much in the grand scheme of things, she was being rude and abrasive, and this was just not the day for that.

“I’m sorry, there’s nothing we can do. We cannot refund donations, and the money goes to the local animal shelter, so it’s for a good cause.”

“No! I didn’t get to see a cow, so I want my money back!”

“Ma’am, you could see all the animals before you paid.”

“I don’t care!” She was starting to make a scene. And the more she fought, the less I wanted to refund her quarter. I looked over at Sophie, who was watching with interest. Sophie was a bit of a firecracker, I knew that if I needed backup, she was there. Still, the last time Sophie decided to step in when someone was abusing me, Sophie ended up with handcuffs around her wrists after punching a woman in the face at a funeral. I definitely didn’t want a repeat of that experience, so I locked eyes with her and shook my head. I could handle this.

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave, please,” I asked the woman politely. “I’ve told you we’re not refunding your money.”

“No! I will not go! You’re a frigging thief, you know that! A damned thief!”

“Hey, watch your language around my kid!” someone else called out. Ok, this had gone on far enough. I took out my phone to call the security company that had been hired to take care of the festival. I was on the phone with them, the woman still screaming at me, when the noise evidently woke up Bee.

She looked up at the woman and began to hiss. Uh oh. This was not good.

“What are you looking at, you dumb cat?” the woman spat at Bee.

“Get them here quickly!” I practically shouted into the phone, then dropped it as I tried to get my cat. Too late. Bee jumped up on the woman’s shoulder, claws out. The woman began to howl.

“Get that cat off me! What is it doing? Ugh, get it off!” she screeched, but Bee hung on tight. Then, she did something I had never, ever seen a cat do before.

She peed. All over the woman’s outfit. Dribbles of cat pee rolled down the woman and onto her purse. She began to screech and holler as she ran around, realizing what was happening.

“DUMB CAT! GET OFF! GET OFF YOU WORTHLESS CRETIN, GET OFF ME!”

As I stared incredulously, Sophie completely lost it. She burst into laughter so hard that tears began to stream down her face. Her total lack of control spurred on a chain reaction as everyone who’d seen the woman’s meltdown over a quarter began to laugh. Eventually, Bee, having finished her role, jumped back off the woman and onto the table like nothing had happened, curled herself back into a little ball, and went back to sleep.

“YOU GIVE ME THAT CAT, I’M GOING TO STRANGLE IT,” cried the woman as she hurled herself toward Bee, but I quickly stepped in front of the table to block her. There was no way this lady was going to get near my cat. Not that I especially thought Bee needed my protection; her claws would do more than that woman ever could, but after that show, Bee certainly deserved it.

The woman looked like she was going to throttle me as well. “You stupid bitch! You give me back my money, and you let me at that cat!”

Just then, however, two men from the security company showed up. It was obvious who they were here to escort off the grounds, and they grabbed the woman gently but firmly and began to escort her away, her niece following silently behind her as the woman continued screaming, cursing me, Bee, and everyone else involved with the festival.

“Ugh, what’s that smell?” I heard one of the security guys ask the other one, and I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I began to giggle as well.

“You know Bee, I might give you a hard time sometimes, but you’re a good cat,” I told her, stroking her fur gently as people began to mill around once more, everything slowly going back to normal.

“I know,” Bee replied smugly.

Chapter 3

My sister Charlotte howled with laughter as Sophie recounted the story that night over dinner. The three of us lived together in the home my parents had owned before they were killed in a car crash. Sophie’s mom, who had taken us in and raised us herself after their deaths, kept the house instead of selling it in case we wanted to live there as adults, and the three of us shared it now.

“Oh my God! I can’t believe that happened! Bee, you’re amazing!” Charlotte exclaimed. Charlotte had magical powers, the same as I did. She was smart as a whip, and I have to admit it, a better witch than I was. She was currently in medical school in Portland, and at the top of her class.

Bee was on the bookshelf, happily eating the two pieces of sushi we’d decided to give her. After all, if there was anything she could have done today to earn an extra piece, that was definitely it. She swished her tail in appreciation of Charlotte’s comment.

“We had like ten different people come up to us and say that woman was totally out of line afterwards,” I told Charlotte. “Plus, one of the teenagers took a bunch of pictures of Bee peeing on her with his phone. I got him to text them to Jason, that’s front page material for sure.”

Charlotte laughed. “Who gets that annoyed that they didn’t get to see a cow?”

“I have no idea,” I replied, rolling my eyes. “I wish that was the biggest problem in my life.”

“Something tells me that girl’s got bigger problems than that,” Sophie replied. “Like, if you’re going to get that worked up over the fact that your niece didn’t get to see a calf at the petting zoo for twenty-five cents, well, that’s ridiculous. Plus, I saw them in the petting zoo for at least forty-five minutes. They definitely got their money’s worth. Some people just like to be annoying.”

“On the bright side, we’ll probably never see her again,” I said as I leaned back and put my feet up on the coffee table. Jason had texted and promised to bring me something for lunch tomorrow, if I could sneak away for twenty minutes, which I promised him I could. The animals had eventually settled into a nice routine, and by the end of the day, they were no longer yelling at each other. I was even vaguely optimistic that they might even be friends by the end of the festival. All and all, day one had been nothing if not entertaining. And exhausting. Surely the next day wouldn’t be nearly as bad, right?