Ник Сайнт - Purrfect Revenge

“And then there’s Starr’s laser hair removal. The kid’s got no hair left.”

“Starr is the son,” Gran said as an aside to Chase, who groaned.

“And don’t tell me Shayonne’s eyebrows are real. Those are microbladed.”

Dad grinned. “I’m starting to think I got into the wrong profession.”

“Yeah, Dad,” said Odelia. “You should have gone into plastic surgery. There’s money in plastic surgery. You could have been the Kenspeckles’ personal plastic surgeon if you’d played your cards right. We could all be living in Beverly Hills right now, and I could be writing for the LA Times.”

“It’s not too late,” said Gran, perking up. “I could use a nip and tuck.”

No amount of nip and tuck could ever turn Gran into a babe, but Dad gracefully said, “You don’t need surgery, Vesta. You’re a natural beauty.”

“I know I don’t need surgery, but I could use a lift. At my age stuff starts sagging so much only heavy-duty scaffolding can keep it up. I’ll bet if I had Camille Kenspeckle’s surgeon he could strip off a decade. Can you believe that woman’s as old as Cher and Dolly Parton? She looks like a teenager.”

Odelia felt it was time to give her grandmother a reality check. “Nothing on that show is real, Gran. Everything is fake, and I’m not just talking about the boobs and the butts and the thighs and the noses. I’m talking about the fights and the dramas and the tantrums and the crying. It’s all scripted.”

“Nonsense. Nobody can fake all those feelz. Like when Shantel and Sandy were on vacay in Cabo and they got into this huge fight over who got to bag the cabana boy? You can’t fake that kind of heartfelt emotion. We’ll never know who did the cabana boy but I think it was Shantel. BCheeks cheated on her with the dog walker so she decided to get back at him.”

Chase leaned in, and whispered, “I’m afraid to ask, but who’s BCheeks?”

“Some rapper Shantel dated last year. A total tool.”

He grinned. “I’m surprised you even know the name.”

“Mom and Gran keep me in the loop.”

“You really are into that show, aren’t you, Mom?” asked Uncle Alec.

“I told you. It’s nice to get a slice of real life for a change.”

“What did you think of Shana Kenspeckle, Mrs. Poole?” asked Chase.

“She was a doll. Misguided, of course. Marrying that loser Damien LeWood was a dumb move. The guy is certifiable and should be locked up.”

“She deserved better,” Mom agreed. “That girl was a saint. An angel.”

“She definitely deserved better than to be murdered by that asshat Dion Dread,” Gran agreed. “The show won’t be the same without her.”

“Do you think they’ll cancel the show?” asked Mom, eyes wide.

“They said they wouldn’t,” said Odelia. “Shayonne and Shalonda want to keep it going, and they seem to think this murder will give the show a boost.”

“Yeah, but when all the hubbub dies down it’s going to drop like a stone,” said Gran, the self-professed Kenspeckle expert. “Those sisters can’t hold a candle to Shana, and neither can Shantel or Sandy. And don’t even get me started on Steel and Camille, or that moron Starr.” She shook her head. “No, they’ve gone and killed the goose that laid the golden eggs.”

“So they are going to cancel the show,” said Mom with a sigh.

“No big loss there,” said Chase. “I doubt a lot of people are going to shed a tear about the end of the Kenspeckles.”

“I will,” said Gran. “Now I’ll have to go back to watching Jeopardy . I can only imagine how boring that’s going to be after my weekly fix of real-life drama and wholesome family entertainment.”

“I’m sure there are other shows,” said Mom soothingly.

“Yeah, but none of them are as much fun as the Kenspeckles.”

“There’s Mama June and Honey Boo Boo,” said Dad with a grin.

“Oh, please,” said Gran. “I have my standards, Tex.”

This elicited a snort from Chase. Gran cut her eyes to him.

“So when are you going to start dating Odelia, Chase?” she asked.

“Mother!” Mom cried.

“What? I’m just looking out for my only grandchild.”

“I could do dinner,” said Chase, nodding. “I could definitely do dinner.”

“Oh, curb your enthusiasm,” said Gran. “You two have a thing or two to learn from the Kenspeckles. When Shana and Damien met they hit the sack the minute they laid eyes on each other. Same thing with Shayonne and Dion. Or Shalonda. The woman’s had more anaconda than any self-respecting ho.”

“Mom! We have guests!”

Chase just sat grinning, and when he briefly locked eyes with Odelia, she thought she detected a mischievous glint. As if he wouldn’t mind going all anaconda on her. The prospect made her knees go weak, while other parts of her anatomy tightened up considerably.

“So you’ve decided to stop pursuing Chase, Mom?” asked Chief Alec.

Gran waved a hand. “I’m all about family, honey. Odelia needs a man a lot more than I do, so I’ve decided to sacrifice my own needs for hers.”

“That’s very generous of you, Gran,” said Odelia.

“Ugh. It’s the least I can do. Before I die I’d like to dandle my great-grandchildren on my knee. Have a four generation picture in the Gazette. Is that too much to ask?”

“I think Odelia and Chase are old enough to decide for themselves, Vesta,” said Dad. “Without anyone else interfering.”

“And I think they need all the interfering they can get. It’s obvious it’s going to take them forever to bust a move, and I’m not getting any younger.”

“I’ll keep it in mind, Mrs. Poole,” said Chase. He tipped back his root beer. Judging from the grin he gave Odelia he was enjoying the conversation.

“So have you found a place of your own yet, Chase?” asked Mom.

“Actually, I haven’t.”

“Still looking, huh?”

“Yep.”

“You can always move in with Odelia,” said Gran.

“Mom,” said Mom warningly.

“Just throwing out a few suggestions. Take ‘em or leave ‘em.”

Uncle Alec clapped Chase on the shoulder. “You can stay with me as long as you want, buddy. Heck, I enjoy the company.”

“Thanks, Chief. But Marge is right. Sooner or later I’m going to have to find a place of my own.”

“Well, if it’s up to me it’s later rather than sooner.”

“Once the Kenspeckles return to LA, Merl Berkenstein’s place will be up for rent,” said Dad with a humorous glint in his eye.

Chase laughed, twin dimples creasing his cheeks. “Yeah, that’ll happen.”

“You could always get your own reality show,” said Gran. “Just make sure there’s lots and lots of sex. It’s the sex that makes these shows so popular. That and the catfighting, of course. You got to have catfighting.”

“Speaking of the Kenspeckles, here’s to a successful solving of this case,” said Chief Alec, raising his glass.

They all drank to the successful conclusion of the murder investigation, and Chase said, “To Odelia, whose clever pussy managed to solve the case.”

He gave her a meaningful glance. Her pussy obviously intrigued him.

“So what happens now?” asked Mom.

“Now we process the evidence,” said Uncle Alec. “The cleaver and the robe. Check them for DNA of the victim and, hopefully, the killer. And while we wait for the results, we interrogate Dread. Try to get a confession out of him.”

“That’ll be easier said than done,” Chase grunted. “The guy insists he’s innocent and that someone planted that cleaver and that robe in his room.”

“Once we get his DNA on the robe he’ll sing like a canary,” said Alec.