Michael Buckley - The Unusual Suspects

"Just in time, kiddo," the little man said. "I'm roasting over here. How was your first day of school?"

"Oh, the usual. The kids made fun of me, I punched a bully, and a teacher was murdered by a monster," Sabrina replied.

"Sixth grade isn't how I remember it," Mirror said, reaching over to a table and pouring himself a fresh drink. "Sorry, I'd offer you one but you're a bit young. How about a Shirley Temple?"

"No thanks," Sabrina said.

"I remember my school days. It wasn't easy for a shy talking mirror, but I managed. Trust me, starfish, it gets better the day after."

"The day after what?"

"The day after you graduate," Mirror said. "Are you feeling OK? You look flushed."

"I think I'm getting sick," the girl said, holding her hand to her forehead to check for a fever. "I've been getting headaches all day and I've been a cranky jerk to almost everybody."

"Sounds like puberty to me. If you think school is tough now, wait until you start getting zits."

"So, you're sure I'm not sick?"

"Completely, kiddo. I remember when your dad went through it. He was in a fistfight every day for two weeks. I remember one time he got your grandfather so angry the old man chased him up a tree." Mirror laughed.

"So, this is normal," Sabrina said. "I thought I was going crazy."

"I didn't say you weren't going crazy," the little man responded. "I just said you were growing up. The two are not mutually exclusive. So, did you just come to chat or are we going on a magic hunt again tonight?"

Sabrina sheepishly held out a book about King Arthur's powerful wizard, Merlin.

"Come on, kiddo," Mirror said, sounding resigned, and Sabrina followed him down the hall.

Early the next morning, Sabrina awoke to a thundering racket, followed by a series of thuds and crashes that knocked a picture off her bedroom wall. Something was going on at the end of the hallway that sounded like a fistfight and Sabrina knew there could be only one source of the chaos-Puck. She eyed the clock and saw that it was only five a.m. and her blood began to boil. Five a.m. was too early for his nonsense.

Of course, Daphne slept through the noise, snoring away as if nothing was happening. The little girl could sleep through World War Three. The only thing she wouldn't sleep through was breakfast.

Sabrina leaped out of bed and marched down the hallway. The day before had taught her not to just barge into his room, so she banged on the door angrily instead. After several moments, she realized that the tremendous noise she heard wasn't coming from inside Puck's bedroom, but from the bathroom down the hall. Fearing her grandmother had fallen in the tub, Sabrina rushed to the bathroom door, grabbed the knob, and flung the door open just as a nearly naked eleven-year-old boy ran past her.

"Puck!" Granny Relda cried. "Come back here!"

Mr. Canis leaped to his feet and rushed past Sabrina, chasing the boy, who had fled downstairs.

"What's going on?" the girl asked, as she peered into the bathroom. It was a complete disaster. The bathtub was surrounded by a dozen empty bottles of shampoo and what looked like the wrappings of at least twenty bars of soap. The inside of the tub was filled with an oily black sludge that slowly spiraled down the drain. On the toilet basin was a plate where four fat worms, several dead beetles, a hand grenade, and thirty-six cents in change had been collected.

"Puck is having his bath… his eighth bath," Granny Relda said, partly exhausted and partly annoyed. "You've let him out and now he's probably in the woods rolling in who knows what … again\"

"He's taking a bath?" Sabrina said. Puck hadn't taken a bath since he'd moved into the house and his unbearable stink had ruined many a meal for the girl. One whiff of his nauseating aroma was all anyone needed to realize that the Trickster King and soap were bitter enemies.

"Not that I'm complaining, but why is he taking a bath?" she asked suspiciously.

"We felt it was necessary, under the circumstances," said Granny Relda. Sabrina noticed the old woman was wearing plastic gloves to protect her hands.

"Circumstances? What circumstances?"

But Granny's explanation was interrupted by Mr. Canis, who stomped back up the stairs with the boy in his arms. Puck squirmed and kicked the entire way.

"This is rubbish!" he shrieked as the old man dragged him back into the bathroom and wrapped him in a clean towel.

"The tub is clogged again," Granny Relda said. "I suppose we could try another round on the teeth while it drains."

Sabrina eyed the bathroom sink where four worn-down and abused toothbrushes had met their doom. Several tubes of toothpaste littered the floor. Each had been thoroughly emptied of all its cavity-fighting protection.

"Will someone please tell me what is going on in here?" Sabrina demanded.

Puck turned and smirked at the girl. A devilish gleam sparkled in his eyes and he temporarily ceased his indignant protests.

"Guess what, piggy! I'm going to school with you today!" he shouted as he kicked the door closed in her face. "I'm going to be your bodyguard!"

"Yes, you absolutely do need a bodyguard." Granny Relda argued with Sabrina as she tried to pat Daphne's hair down with her hand. The little girl had molded her still glue-soaked locks into a pointy Mohawk that stood about a foot and a half above her head. Finding little success, Granny gave up and turned her attention to serving each girl glow-in-the-dark waffles for breakfast. "We've got two monsters running around in the hallways."

"But why him?" Sabrina cried. Her own hair had become super curly after her multiple shampoos, producing an almost perfect globe shape, like a big yellow tennis ball. "Why don't youcome?" she said to her grandmother. "You could use a fairy godmother wand to change yourself into a kid."

"I'd look like a kid, but I'd still be an old lady," said Granny. "This way if something happens, then at least there's someone around who can fight."

"Actually," Daphne said, shoveling half a glowing waffle into her mouth, "I think it's a great idea. He's our age and none of the kids will know who he is."

Sabrina shot her sister a betrayed look, but the little girl didn't see it. She was obviously still angry and refusing to make eye contact with her.

"Oh, no! They won't notice him at all until he turns into a monkey and throws his own poop down the hallway," Sabrina said. "And it's not like the kids aren't going to notice the fifteen layers of crud he has under his pits. He smells like Coney Island after a clam-eating contest."

"Excuse me?" Puck inquired. The boy had slipped into the room without anyone seeing him. Sabrina turned to give him her usual nasty look, but when she saw how he had transformed, she dropped her fork. Puck was clean, shiny, and blond. He'd been scrubbed from head to toe. His leaf-infested, raggedy hair was neat and combed and his teeth sparkled like diamonds. Even his ever-present ratty green hoodie and jeans had been retired and replaced with black cargo pants, a striped baby blue rugby shirt, and brand-new sneakers.

"Puck! You're… you're…" Sabrina stammered.

"You're a hottie!" Daphne shouted.

Sabrina hated herself, but she had to agree. Puck, the shape-shifter, the royal pain-in-the-rear, had transformed into a cute boy. Sabrina couldn't help but stare, even when he caught her.

"Yes, it's true," he said as he took a seat. "Please, don't hate me because I'm beautiful."

Granny placed a plate of waffles in front of him and he shoved them into his mouth with his bare hands. Whatever spell he had cast on Sabrina quickly faded as she watched him pour some maple syrup down his throat and take a bite out of a stick of butter.