Shannen Camp - The Breakup Artist

I spent most of the class period reciting what I’d say to Claire in my head. I knew that I’d probably just forget my entire speech and throw the money at her before running away (which would be difficult in these heels) so the speech preparation was completely pointless. After class I headed to my locker only to find Claire there. Much to my surprise, she didn’t seem angry. I’m guessing that meant she didn’t know what I was about to tell her yet. This almost made it harder, having to spoil her good mood. When I approached she threw her arms around me with a knowing smile. I hugged her back awkwardly, wondering what I’d done to deserve such a warm welcome.

“Hey, Claire, I think we need to talk,” I said stiffly, trying to keep the slight discomfort out of my voice.

“Yeah, we do. How on earth did you convince David to go back out with me? I mean, I have complete faith in you, Mia, I really do, but this was actually kind of shocking. Even for you. He was practically begging to have me back. It was wonderful. Now all I have to do is dump him at lunch in front of our friends and all will be forgiven.” She smiled brightly at me, and I stared back at her, completely at a loss for words. After a moment of my open-mouthed gaping, I blinked.

“Oh. Right. No problem.” I had absolutely no idea what was going on, but I smiled weakly at Claire as she bounded away down the hall. I still didn’t understand her logic of breaking up with him in front of her friends. My job was to make it so that she didn’t have to break up with him herself… like I said, some of my clients really just wanted me to set up a dramatic situation for them. They couldn’t care less about actually avoiding the awkward breakup.

After her retreat I opened my locker and rested my head against the propped-open door, letting the cool metal chill my forehead. None of this made any sense. Why had David decided he wanted Claire back so badly, especially after he’d just kissed me? Was I really that bad at kissing? That obviously wasn’t the reason; I mean, even if I was a bad kisser, I couldn’t possibly be bad enough to drive him back into Claire’s arms.

As I gathered myself together and went off in pursuit of Blane, a million emotions ran through me. I was happy I’d avoided the inevitable failure of Claire’s request, relieved that I had apparently had something to do with it, and hurt that David had begged to have her back. They’d never seemed happy together, even before I’d stepped in to ruin things for them. But as much as I hated to admit it, this was for the best. I couldn’t let myself get too attached to people when my job was to destroy their happiness. Breathing in deeply, I let the thoughts of David go, hoping that they wouldn’t haunt me anymore.

Blane was sitting in a group filled with jocks, a cheerleader at the very center of their attention. I had assumed Lexi had told her friends what I’d be doing, so I could at least avoid dirty looks from them as I threw myself at Blane. Putting on a peppy smile, I walked over to the group, very aware that I only had seven minutes until the bell would ring. It wasn’t hard to get Blane’s attention at all and I thought I might be able to get out of this one without a date. His head turned when he noticed all of his friends taking in the sight of me. He looked me up and down appreciatively, almost hungrily, and I suppressed an annoyed sigh.

“What can I do for you?” he asked, puckering his lips slightly as he waited for my response. Jocks were always so hard to deal with. Smile still firmly in place, I didn’t answer and simply took a seat next to him. His friends watched me with disbelief, wondering why this hot girl had suddenly decided to infiltrate the ranks of the popular. The girls, however, jumped right back into conversation with their respective boyfriends, obviously in on what I was there for. With the focus of the group off of me, it was easier to concentrate on Blane, and just how to get rid of him.

I crossed my legs toward him so that my foot lightly rested against his calf. The skirt I was wearing was just short enough that it slid up slightly with this movement, instantly drawing Blane’s eyes to my nicely tanned legs. I never really appreciated being ogled, but sometimes it was just the quickest way to get the job done. Obviously the flattering elements of my tank top weren’t lost on him either as I launched into my story.

“My name’s Amy,” I said sweetly. “I’m friends with Lexi.” These words brought a slight frown to his face as he remembered his girlfriend. I leaned a little closer to him as if to say that he could have me if only he didn’t have that one little obstacle in the way. With that idea planted in his mind, I continued. “You see, she was sick today and we were supposed to hang out, so I figured, being the nice guy you are, you wouldn’t mind if I sat with you?” I looked up at him from under my eyelashes, my face the perfect mask of innocence.

He smiled back at me and nodded. “Of course you can sit here,” he said smoothly, obviously used to being approached by pretty girls. “And Lexi’s not my girlfriend,” he corrected me. Unlike the little situation with David and Claire, I knew for a fact that Lexi Monroe was still this boy’s girlfriend, which meant the lie signified my partial success.

“Oh, well, that’s funny,” I said, still keeping my voice as guiltless as a child’s, “because I thought you two were dating. She did actually seem to think it’d be a good idea if you guys maybe did break up though… which I must admit would make me pretty happy.”

“She said that?” he asked, and for a moment I thought I’d actually hurt his feelings. Silly me. “Well, that’s a relief.” He breathed out a huge breath just to solidify his statement, and I painfully kept my smile in place. This job had begun to make me doubt relationships as a whole. It seemed like almost everyone I had to break up was more than willing to drop any connection they had with each other because of popularity, or another pretty girl hitting on them, or their stupid reputation. The whole thing seemed to be so messed up and skewed from what reality should be. It was just sad. And yet, here I was, making money off of the madness. I didn’t have time to ponder this though, because I felt the presence of another body next to me instantly.

I looked over at the newcomer only to see David’s grinning face staring back at me. “Hey, babe,” he said, as if he’d been saying it his whole life. I noticed with one quick visual sweep that he was dressed differently today. He looked kind of like a jock actually. Dressed almost exactly like Blane. My eyes widened, and I quickly looked back to Blane, hoping beyond all hope that if I just ignored him he’d go away. I didn’t quite know what he was doing, but it was bad whatever it was.

“Why are you over here instead of with me, where I can appreciate the view a bit better?” He wrapped an arm around my shoulder as he said this and nudged his nose against my ear, sending instant shivers down my spine, which I pointedly ignored.

“Is this your boyfriend?” Blane asked stupidly, obviously a little slow on the uptake. This whole thing was going horribly wrong. I opened my mouth to say no, but amazingly David beat me to it, informing Blane that he was, in fact, my boyfriend. I turned around to face David, either so I could kill him or yell at him, but when I turned he kissed me fiercely, silencing my protests and solidifying his point to Blane.

“See ya,” he said to the jock next to me as he ushered me away, his arm still wrapped tightly around my shoulders. I was completely dumbstruck, my mouth hanging open slightly as he continued to push me through crowds of people. The bell had just rung, so the herd was moving quickly through the halls. David pulled me aside near a water fountain, which is when I finally regained my senses.