Shannen Camp - The Breakup Artist

Of course I’d never ruled out the possibility that my odd choice in hobbies could have something to do with my father walking out on us, but it wasn’t like I felt like a neglected child. I was fiercely independent and didn’t need anyone else in my life telling me what I should do. It wasn’t a hard concept to figure out, and yet people were always trying to analyze me and tell me how I felt. Shouldn’t I know how I feel better than a complete stranger? There’s nothing I hate more than people who think they know me because of one short interaction. In reality, there isn’t a “me” to know. There’s always only what the clients needed, and there’s nothing more to my story.

Biology was the same as it ever was. We learned about things that were interesting but difficult to understand, which meant that half of the class was snoring within the first five minutes of lecture. I tapped my foot nervously all through the genetic code as my teacher pointed to different graphs and illustrations. I couldn’t seem to focus all of my nervous energy. David had made it pretty clear that he planned on ruining my career if I kept taking on clients. That was a frightening prospect after the little demonstration of his effectiveness with Blane, though the fact that everything seemed to work out fine with Blane did give me some hope. The breakup actually seemed to go better after David’s interference. Not only was I able to lure Blane away from Lexi, but I didn’t have to worry about him pursuing me now that he thought I had a boyfriend. If it weren’t for David’s stubborn insistence that I was a horrible person for breaking people up, we could’ve started a pretty effective business together.

I stored that thought away for later consideration, even though it was a moot point. What I really needed to focus on right now was how to get David off my back. I refused to transfer my business to another school just because of some irksome boy. No, this simply had to be handled delicately. Luckily for me I had finished up all of my clients, so I didn’t need to worry about the threat too much for now. I’d just have to be worried once Valentine’s Day rolled around, or, more specifically, the day after Valentine’s Day.

Amazingly enough we hadn’t been given any biology homework, and so, with my spirits slightly higher, I made my way to my locker to drop off my book. I figured David would be off ruining someone else’s life with his self-righteous psychobabble, so I didn’t need to worry about him popping out of any corners. This didn’t stop paranoid thoughts from creeping into my mind, though. If it weren’t for the long brown hair and obviously feminine figure looming near my locker, I would have run in the other direction, swearing it was David.

I approached cautiously, fully aware that this was probably a potential client, which meant that my new little stalker wouldn’t be happy. I looked over my shoulder self-consciously, as if expecting to see him standing there, but there were no bright green eyes in the swarm of students rushing to get home and away from the watchful gaze of teachers. I approached the brunette, noting with a touch of annoyance that I’d be dying my hair for the third time in only three weeks.

“Hi,” I said, forcing an anxious smile onto my face. The girl smiled back sweetly, her green eyes instantly reminding me of the source of my unease. “How can I help you?” I asked, slipping easily into my professional tone.

“I heard you… help people? With awkward situations?” Her voice was timid, and I got the feeling that this whole idea made her nervous. I definitely couldn’t imagine this girl breaking up with anyone herself-she was just too nice. This meant I’d be helping her, so, despite what David thought, I was a good person.

“Yes, I break up with people,” I said matter-of-factly, since I was pretty sure she could never spit the sentence out. “For a small fee,” I added hastily. I didn’t enjoy taking money from people, but I wasn’t putting myself through this for fun. She blushed slightly at my words, a pronounced pink that I’d bet her boyfriend thought was adorable.

“Oh, of course. How much is it?” She was just so soft-spoken and polite, it almost hurt to tell her my fee. I thought it might break the glass bubble surrounding her.

“Fifty,” I remarked with another look around to make sure David wasn’t lurking in a corner. She balked a little at the price but quickly rearranged her expression into one of neutrality.

“That’s fine. So how exactly do we do this?”

I exhaled, not wanting to deal with this when I was in such a state of panic. I pulled out a crumpled piece of paper and quickly scribbled my email address onto it. I thrust the paper at her, beginning to feel a bit impatient that I wasn’t already in my car on my way home. Safe.

“Send me this boy’s name, age, three points of interest, and the date you need the job finished by. I’ll also need your contact information in case there are any questions I may have about the boy.” I said this all quickly and stiffly, as if I had memorized it long ago and it was just something I recited from time to time. “Oh, and a picture so I know what he looks like.” The girl nodded shyly and I looked her up and down, memorizing her style and mannerisms quickly so that I’d know exactly what I’d be working on for the next few days.

She wore khaki pants with brown tennis shoes and a light pink three-quarter sleeved shirt. Her long brown hair was curly and pinned back away from her face so that the curls could cascade down her back. Basically, she looked like she stayed home all day and baked brownies for fun, and then went out on Saturday night and gave them to the homeless. I wasn’t quite sure how I was supposed to seduce someone and be sweet at the same time, but that was the challenge I’d have to face.

“What’s your name?” I asked, realizing that through my little schpeel I’d never gotten any information about her. I was just so used to summing a person up based on their style.

“I’m Karen,” she answered quietly. Her voice seemed so drained of confidence that I indulged in a Romeo and Juliet type of fantasy for a moment, thinking that she really loved her boyfriend but they had to break up because their families hated each other. Of course, that whole scenario was ridiculous, but it worked just for that moment.

“All right, Karen. If you’ll just email me that information, I’ll get started on your job right away.” She nodded as she silently read the address I had given her.

“I’ll get the money to you tomorrow. I don’t have it on me right now… if that’s all right?” Normally I never took a job without getting the money first, but Karen didn’t really strike me as the type to have me work for her and then make off without paying me, so I agreed and said my good-byes.

The parking lot was almost completely empty by the time I made it out there. Students, who generally moved about as fast as a skateboard through a room of gravel, managed to get themselves going at a pretty decent pace when it meant they’d be leaving school. I walked to my car with my eyes trained on the ground, hoping that if I didn’t see David while walking out to my car, he wouldn’t see me. It was perfectly possible that he had already gone home, and I held onto that possibility with all my might.

Of course, my hoping did nothing. I looked up to find a sandy blond lounging against my silver car with an intent look on his face. I rolled my eyes at his serious expression and approached the car. He was leaning against the back door, leaving my door free, so I took full advantage of this and went straight for the keyhole. I plunged the key in, hoping that I could simply outmaneuver him and get into the car before he could say anything. He grabbed my hand just as I turned the key, however, and stopped me from getting any further.