Shannen Camp - The Breakup Artist

“Nice hair, by the way,” David said after a few moments of silence.

“What?” I asked, completely puzzled by his statement. It didn’t dawn on me until after my brilliant response that I had dyed my hair since I’d last seen him. For me it was typical to look in the mirror and see a different hair color every few days, and my mom had long since gotten used to it, but to normal people it must be quite a shock when my hair constantly changed at a breakneck pace.

“It’s blonde,” he pointed out, as if this little fact had possibly escaped my notice. Maybe he thought I had been ambushed in the middle of the night by the hair-dye fairy and the result had simply floated right by my scope of understanding.

“Yeah… I get bored easily,” I mumbled, hoping this explanation would save me from any further questions.

“I like it,” he said finally. All right, so he was a blonde guy. Maybe if I could get Claire to change her hair color it would be easier for me to get them back together. This thought only made me realize how weird my job really is. Most of my date thus far had consisted of me covering up my job and thinking about how I could get my date back together with his ex-girlfriend, who I’d tried to get him to break up with originally. Good thing I had a psychology class, or I might need some serious therapy from all of this.

After a few more lies and some close calls on my part, we pulled into the parking lot of a small Italian restaurant. I could smell the breadsticks before we even entered the little building. The interior was dimly lit by fake candles with soft mood music maintaining the atmosphere. The host seated us in a cozy booth surprisingly close to the kitchen. I could hear the clattering of dishes and calling out of food orders from my seat. We looked at our menus, ordered drinks, and then were faced with the awkward silence first dates are famous for causing. This time in a date was normally just fine for me, because I would be strategically planning out how to get rid of the guy for good, while my date would be nervously contemplating my silence, wondering if it meant I didn’t like him, or if I was feeling bad that he had just broken up with his girlfriend.

This date, however, was different. My half of the silence was spent in nervous anticipation. I knew there was nothing for me to be excited about, because the sole reason I was here was to manipulate this boy without his knowledge. But still, I couldn’t help but feel that this date was a small reward for my years of work. Maybe this boy actually liked me and things could somehow work out. Of course, like all good dreams, these thoughts were instantly stifled by reality.

“So, Amelia, do you work?” I nearly choked on my soda at his question, and I actually had to take a minute to recover from the coughing fit this unexpected turn in the conversation brought on. He looked at me with mild amusement, which was slightly disconcerting since I was, in fact, choking. Well, perhaps I wasn’t choking, but I was sure coughing enough to cause other diners alarm. And here was my date, sitting there smirking at me like some cruel model from a clothing advertisement. After I regained my composure and patted my face with my maroon cloth napkin, I shook my head.

“No, I don’t work,” I said hoarsely, my voice still a bit scratchy from the violent coughing from a moment ago. I was amazed at how easy it was for me to lie. Not just to this boy, but to everyone. It seemed like a natural talent that I possessed, though I wasn’t sure if that was really something I should be proud of. David raised an eyebrow. Then after a moment of what I figured was contemplation over this, his face softened and he reacted, however late, to my distress.

“Are you all right?” His face still held the smirk but his voice held a certain amount of compassion now. I looked at him incredulously. Not only had he practically been laughing as I choked on my soda, but he was now asking if I was all right after we’d moved on from my little drinking attack. This was something that I had to deal with in only my most socially inept clients; I hadn’t expected this level of odd timing from David.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I answered, sounding almost suspicious. Maybe he was trying to make me think he was some social outcast so I wouldn’t be so obviously pathetic about my interest in him. Then again, maybe he was just concerned and couldn’t ask once I’d stopped choking because I’d blurted out my answer to his question as if it were a matter of life and death.

“Perhaps next time you should try drinking instead of inhaling,” he commented dryly. I was about to shoot him an annoyed look when I caught the rueful gleam in his eye, signaling to me that it was a joke. I smiled back at him, and he broke into a soft laugh. Maybe this date wasn’t going as disastrously as it seemed.

“So what about you?” I asked, taking a bite out of a warm breadstick and savoring the garlic taste. “Do you have some sort of job after school?”

“No official job really. I do write for the school newspaper, though. I don’t get paid or anything, but I figure it’s close enough to job training, so it counts. Occasionally I’ll submit a piece for the local paper.”

“Oh, wow, so do you want to be a journalist?” I suppose the answer to that should have been fairly obvious, but I was being slightly less than observant tonight. He laughed softly again, a sound I was quickly beginning to like.

“Yeah, I’ve always wanted to write for a newspaper. My brother makes fun of me because I got the idea of being a newspaper writer from Lois Lane.”

“Wait, the girl from Superman?” I asked, amusement creeping into my voice.

“Yeah,” he mumbled, looking down at his napkin. He had obviously been through this discussion before. “My brother always says I’ll be the best Lois Lane at the paper.” He rolled his eyes at the memory, and I tried to stifle a laugh.

“Well, when you get your first official job, I’ll get you some heels that’ll make the green in your eyes just pop,” I said, putting on the best overly feminine voice I could muster. He shot me a playful death glare just as the waitress came to take our order.

I ordered spaghetti, a nice generic meal that wouldn’t cause anyone to pass judgment. I was used to being generic. I had conditioned myself so well to order only things that wouldn’t draw any attention to my real personality (if it even existed) that it had become a habit. I had never had a problem with who I was, or wasn’t, before this. I didn’t have a personality and that was fine because I didn’t need one to get by. I didn’t need friends or hobbies, likes or dislikes-all I needed was something I was good at, and that thing was molding myself into whomever I needed to be. So why was it such a big deal now that I was the way I was?

I didn’t hear what David ordered because I was too caught up in my own psychoanalysis. In fact, I hadn’t even noticed that he was saying my name, possibly repeating it because I hadn’t heard it the first time. His voice had that tone you use when you’re trying to snap someone out of a daydream and it isn’t working. I finally looked up at him with a puzzled expression glued to my face.

“Huh?” I said, sounding very intelligent, I’m sure.

“What’s on your mind?” he asked, taking note of my dazed expression.

“Spaghetti,” I said automatically, then mentally slapped myself on the wrist. The oddest things just seemed to pop out of my mouth around David. I really needed to concentrate and rein in all of my weirdness before he realized I really wasn’t a “cool” person. Maybe this was it. Maybe David brought out my real personality and my real personality just happened to be a loser.

“All right, I’m just not going to ask then,” he said, his mouth forming a thin-lipped smile as he shook his head, apparently amused. He looked down at his water glass for a moment, giving me enough time to compose myself and get back into what I was really supposed to be doing.