Iris Johansen - Eve

“Are you going to have a baby, Eve?” Sandra repeated.

Eve wanted to deny it. She wanted to deny it to Sandra and herself and the whole world. But she had to accept it, deal with it. She couldn’t hide in the dark forever. She said jerkily, “Yes, I… think so.”

“Oh, honey.” Tears were glittering in Sandra’s eyes. “I was hoping I was wrong. That handsome young man who helped me?”

“Yes.”

“How does he feel about it? Does he want to marry you?”

“Marry? He doesn’t care for me that way. Because I’m pregnant? It wasn’t that kind of- He doesn’t know. I won’t tell him. He’s gone away. Chances are that I may not see him again.”

“Then you’re alone,” Sandra said. “The way I was when I had you.”

She nodded jerkily. “Yes, isn’t it funny?” She added the bitter words that had so upset her, “Like mother, like daughter.”

Sandra reached out a tentative hand and touched Eve’s arm. “I can help you. I’ll take you to that Planned Parenthood Clinic tomorrow and sign all the papers. You don’t have to have this baby.”

Abortion. It was everyone’s first thought.

“My folks wouldn’t sign the permission, and I was only fifteen. They said I had to take responsibility for my sins. I was so scared… I don’t want you to be scared like that, Eve.”

She was scared right now. But not of having the child itself. It was giving up all her dreams of digging herself out of this slum. The fear of repeating all the mistakes of her mother and everyone around them.

And she had already started that cycle.

She had been so confident that if she was careful and worked hard, she could have it all.

She had not been careful enough, and it might destroy her.

Unless she destroyed the child she and John Gallo had created from that passion that had seemed worth any risk.

No.

The rejection was so strong that she felt almost ill again.

“Eve?” Sandra’s gaze was on her face. “It’s the only thing to do, honey. Believe me, I know how hard it is to raise a kid. It drains you…” She added quickly, “Not that you weren’t a sweet little baby. But toting you and picking you up from charity day-care centers. Working for minimum wage just to eat. It never seemed to stop. Everyone needs a little fun in their life.”

And that scared fifteen-year-old girl maybe more than others. Eve had never realized how vulnerable Sandra had been all those years of Eve’s childhood. “I’ll think about it, Sandra.”

“You do that.” She stood up. “We’ll talk about it in the morning. I’ll be ready to go with you.” She headed for the bedroom. “Then maybe we’ll stop and have lunch. If you have enough money. I’m broke again. Money just seems to run right through my fingers.”

On dope. But Sandra hadn’t seemed to be on anything that night. Or if she had, it hadn’t been obvious. She had been sincere and gentle, and if Eve hadn’t been so upset, she would have been touched.

She was touched, she realized. Admit it. She was only trying to harden her heart to Sandra because she’d been hurt so many times before. Strange, she didn’t usually admit that Sandra could hurt her, even to herself. Maybe she felt a kinship because of the baby she was carrying. But how could that be when the child wasn’t even real to her yet?

She wouldn’t tear this feeling apart and examine it. She had needed someone, and Sandra had been there. It hadn’t happened for years. Maybe that had been partly her fault. She had withdrawn from Sandra when she had realized that she couldn’t trust her to be there for her. How long ago? She couldn’t remember.

And she didn’t want to think about Sandra just then. It was time she stopped sitting in the dark and feeling sorry for herself. She had to make a choice whether to give up and let life run over her as it had Sandra or fight back.

There was no choice. She would rather step in front of a train than let herself be beaten down by what had happened to her. She had to find a way to cope.

All right, sit still. Let herself get over the shock and pain of what had happened to her first.

No. Nothing had “happened” to her. She couldn’t blame anyone, not even fate. She had been so dizzy with the need for him that she hadn’t been thinking clearly and coolly as she usually did. She had done this herself by lust and stupidity and overconfidence. Accept it and go on.

And try desperately to find a way out of this web that was about to smother her.

EVE HAD ALREADY SHOWEREDand dressed the next morning by the time Sandra wandered into the living room.

“Not sick? You must have slept. You look better than me.” Sandra yawned. “But then I never was a morning person.”

“There’s orange juice in the fridge,” Eve said. “No bacon. But you can make toast. No, I’ll make it while you get dressed.”

“You’re in a hurry.” Sandra looked at her. “Those Planned Parenthood offices don’t open until after nine, Eve. We’ve got time.”

“I’m not going to have an abortion.” She put bread in the toaster. “But I still need you to go to school with me and see the guidance counselor.”

“Eve, you don’t know what it’s like to have to take care of a baby. You need to-”

“No, I don’t know. But I may find out.” She got out the orange juice. “Or maybe not. I haven’t decided if I’m going to put the baby up for adoption. It might be better for both of us. If I don’t see a way out for us, I won’t bring the baby into the same situation that trapped both of us, Sandra.”

“That could work,” Sandra said. “But it would be hard for you. Look what kind of mess Rosa Desprando is going through. She should have given up Manuel.”

“That’s what her father says.” She set the orange juice on the table. “But I’m not Rosa, and I’ll make up my own mind. I’m going to get through this.”

“An abortion would-”

“No, Sandra. I may not be practical, but I can’t do it. I’m not going to make a kid pay for my mistake.”

Sandra sat down at the table. “So what am I supposed to do?”

“I’m going to drop out of school. I won’t be ashamed for the other kids to know, but it’s not practical for me to try to get through when I’ll be big as a house. But I want to start working on my GED right away. Then by the time I have the baby, I’ll have my GED and can try to get into college.”

“You’re still going to try to go to college?” Sandra was shaking her head. “It’s just not possible, Eve.”

“Watch me. It’s possible. Come with me to the guidance counselor, and we’ll get a jump start on that GED. I have a straight-A average, and they’ll probably look on me as a lost lamb. If I go in there alone, they’d turn the social workers loose on me.” She met Sandra’s eyes. “I need you. Will you help me?”

Sandra nodded. “Of course, honey. Just let me have breakfast and shower, then we’ll go.”

“Try to hurry.” She turned away. “I have a lot to do today. Before we go to school, I want to go to a doctor and make sure I’m not doing all of this for nothing. Though that would be too lucky.”

“You have it all planned out.”

“I have to have a plan. It’s the only way we can survive.”

“We?”

“My baby and me.” She glanced back over her shoulder. “And maybe you, Sandra. If you want to go through this with me.”

“You want me?”

She told the truth that she had stopped admitting to herself years ago. “I’ve always wanted you.”

Sandra smiled brilliantly. “Then you’ve got me.” She stood up. “And I’ll dress real quick. Do you think I should wear my new pink dress? I do love it. Or maybe the navy blue one would make me look more serious.”