Saul Goodman - Don't Go to Jail! - Saul Goodman's Guide to Keeping the Cuffs Off

Without an alibi—and too often, folks don’t have an alibi good enough to fly—the case gets far more complex. “Reasonable doubt” becomes your best friend, your Bible, your inspirational poster of a cat clinging to a tree branch. It’s only earned with very hard work by you and your attorney—and slack work from the other side—that you build that doubt in the judge’s or the jury’s mind.

We’re all innocent until proven guilty, yes. But I’d still be sleeping on a futon in the back of a nail salon with off-limits cucumber water if everyone stayed innocent and never needed to fight to prove it. If it comes down to battle, call your Saul and soldier forth.

One thing about jail, about most penal facilities: the wardrobe options are as bountiful as cool springs in the Sahara. I mean, seriously, who looks good in an orange jumpsuit with matching orange slippers? No one . Okay, I knew a guy back in Illinois who wore it well, and he did become governor, eventually. But see, four Illinois governors have gone to jail in the last thirtysomething years, so that one guy doesn’t really prove anything.

I’m including ideas on how to avoid jail here, but we should also talk about how to skirt mandatory sentencing laws. Sometimes you need a life coach, and I’m here to give you a pep talk and blow the whistle if you start swimming out of your existential lane.

To be clear: I’m not trying to condemn anyone or criticize the lives they’ve led so far. Clients rely on their defense attorneys not to do that! I’m talking about practical shit when all is said and done. Strategies, tactics, plans. You don’t have to be MacGyver using a paper clip to defuse a bomb strapped to the bottom of a boat to be a superb tactician. With the right tools, we can take a little bit of leverage and nudge your explosive life back into calm waters.

Let’s talk about your friends. Not just me. I’m talking about Suzy, who you’ve known since third grade, and who—despite her slightly caustic personality—you swear wouldn’t ever hurt a fly or persuade you to hot-wire a car… again. Sometimes, when I first meet a client, they’ve already been through a round or two of trouble. They have an idea of what the whole incarceration thing is like. We cross paths because they’re poised to repeat a grade at the Fresh Meat Finishing School.

Most of the time, this déjà-vu has come about because once they repaid their debt to society, they went right back to running with the same troublemaking friends that helped get them into hot water in the first place.

I can’t tell you what to do and be sure you’ll do it. I wish attorneys had that kind of sway over clients—we’d all be the Atticus Finches or Perry Masons we set out to be. But it’s your life and your choices, no matter how wild the ride gets. Here’s a thought: maybe some of your friends are part of the bad choices that led to you being popped in the first place. That one friend who brings out the “best” in you might actually be the one who seduces you over to the Dark Side.

So here’s a point to consider: if it feels disloyal to end a potentially toxic relationship altogether, at least consider pumping the brakes with your criminal soul mate. Definitely try to stay away if you’ve currently got a case in court; the judge will view it as an act of good faith. And one act of good faith can be the difference between showering in the luxury of your own home and bartering unfavorable favors with Krazy-Eyed Kevin for a bar of Dial in Cellblock D.

It isn’t that your friends don’t care about you. You certainly give a damn about them! But sometimes the best path really can be the straight and narrow one. There’s nothing wrong with working a solid job with a health plan and a reliable nine-to-five schedule. Sure, that gig might not pay as well as whatever business you were in before, but honest work, in the eyes of the court, is much better than no work at all. Plus: boring jobs have perks, too! You might find wholesale prices on electronics are just as sweet as wholesale prices on street candy.

I know this might be asking something that feels impossible. I mean, life falls into a groove, you know? We get comfortable with making money a certain way, with the acquaintances we have. These are the pals that hid you in the bed of their pickup truck after you got caught skinny-dipping in your trigger-happy neighbor’s pool—how can you turn your back on true amigos like that? But, a good friend will understand when you are trying to make something out of yourself. They’ll be proud of you. Which means that maybe once things settle, you can go back, get together, and laugh about the fun you crazy kids had in the good old days.

If you’re not getting a tan from the sunshine just blazing out of my ass, then I’ll put it another way: if a client is a regular visitor to the county facilities, just waiting for a permanent spot up in the state penitentiary, it’s because one or more of their relationships is taking a sledgehammer to their well-intentioned knees and hobbling them out of the good life they deserve.

If your best buddy is a drug dealer and you know it and are down with that, he or she may get caught and you could go down with them. You want to play shuffleboard in the shadow of a volcano? Don’t be surprised when it all blows up and your bungalow gets a lava shellacking.

So: work with what you’ve got in order to show acts of good faith to the court. If you have decent family and have been disconnected from them, reconnect. If someone will give you a legit job, the kind that takes all those wonderful taxes out of your machine-printed paycheck, take the damned thing with a smile—no matter how unappealing it may seem. Shit, shave every day. Set alarms and get up when they go off. Jog for five minutes every morning. Make it work.

Attorneys depend on having clients, and criminal defense lawyers specifically need, well, criminals. There will always be plenty of the latter to go around. Some made an escalating series of bad choices, and now aren’t able to extricate themselves from the criminal life. Some may even have discovered that they liked it. That’s fine! People get their thrills in different ways. But, once in a while, an attorney comes across someone who still has some choices left to make. That might be you. And those choices don’t have to be shitty ones.

It’s in both our best interests for you to stay out of jail, but if you wind up on the inside, it helps to be prepared. Forewarned, forearmed. So let’s talk about what’s going on in there that you might not know about. I’m no expert, but I’ve certainly known a few who were, and—surprise! I’ve learned that it’s both not quite as bad as you might imagine and much, much worse than you’ve heard. This isn’t me shaking manacles in your face, barking commands in some Scared Straight scenario; this is an attempt to make my job and your life a little easier.

If there’s one thing that everyone seems to know about prison, it’s that if you’re new, you might as well be the last showgirl on the Titanic for the amount of lap-dance requests you are about to receive—some more forceful than others. And while you may still be nursing resentment that you weren’t ever crowned Prom King or Queen, I’ve got some good news: you may not be any more popular in lockup than you were in high school. The fact is, particularly for the anxious male client, there may be worse things to worry about behind bars than nonconsensual guy-on-guy action.