Saul Goodman - Don't Go to Jail! - Saul Goodman's Guide to Keeping the Cuffs Off

A defendant in this situation needs to be as clear as possible about their perspective because the prosecution has a hooked trident poised to stick in your booze-bloated side now that they’ve caught you in their net. The prongs are:

• Whatever the cops observed about how you were driving when they put on the lights.

• Your demeanor and all that stuff about leaky eyes and floppy fish hands with the wallet.

• The results of the tests you took, if you did end up taking them.

• Second, a caution:don’t conclude you are done, even if you set that breathalyzer on fire with your flaming rum toddy breath. Just because someone blows a certain blood alcohol percentage doesn’t necessarily mean they’re roasted. Attorneys can question every minute detail. They can bring up the reliability of the breathalyzer machine, for example. Some of those things can have a near 50 percent margin of error! DUIs are not automatic slam dunks for the state every time, no matter how much they believe they are.

• Every state handles DUI penalties a little differently.You might be fined. License suspended. Or if the system is in compassionate mode and deems you salvageable from the dominance of old demon rum—and you have a decent attorney, good luck, or both—a treatment program. The consequences will depend on the circumstances. Was it your first time? Just how shit-faced were you? Did you lower your window and promptly ralph half a bowl of cheesy-bacon waffle fries on the officer’s shoes, you know, casually? Were you a loud, defensive asshole prior to arrest? All that will factor in.

• Get in touch with your friendly local DMV or RMV.They’re the same, different states just have different names, and procedures. Here in New Mexico, it’s the “MDV,” which sounds about 50 percent less funny in punch lines. If it is vital that you be able to drive while awaiting trial, you can go to the MDV, hat in hand, and very meekly ask for an administrative hearing. A lawyer can help you here, let you know what options to seek. Sometimes people waiting for the DUI hammer to drop can get specially restricted licenses that let them drive to work and back. Do not pass go, do pass every single bar and liquor store you see.

• Whatever you do, don’t talk about your arrest with anyone.I know! After a while, it feels like all we lawyers do is tell you to shut up. It’s like we want all the words to ourselves. In these situations, we do, because we know the right words to say . Shutting the hell up about a DUI is just practical, too. It can affect the way coworkers and bosses discuss you at the water cooler. DUI family theater is even less fun. And anyone you blab to about that night can be called to testify against you in a court of law. Just getting slapped with a DUI charge has you boned enough—don’t double down on it by blabbing about it to everyone.

• This should be obvious at this point, but: don’t say a word to anyone in law enforcement without the comforting presence of legal counsel by your side.Not even a restricted license option available? Do not under any circumstances drive anything. Keep your car in the garage. Hands off the old Segway. Don’t even sit on your kid’s Big Wheel. No driving, no how. And, you know, for the love of Pete, don’t drink and drive again .

I think I’ve already touched on many elements that will go into enduring a DUI trial. The prosecution’s focus—loopy driving, red eyes; roadside, blood, or breathalyzer tests—and some of the strategies a DUI attorney could employ in their valiant efforts to keep you out of lockup. Your attorney can pick these things apart, maybe try to find reasonable doubt in something as simple as the time elapsed between the moment you were first stopped and when the officer administered the breath test, or whether your blood was refrigerated properly or not before the scientists threw it in the rusty old gas chromatograph. Even in an unsavory crime like a DUI, you remain innocent until the state proves you were drunk as a skunk.

Can you win? Damn, Sunny Jim, it’s possible. Here’s how:

First, don’t even consider pleading guilty. Nope, not even a little, no. The system owes you your damned day in court for this charge—otherwise, what are we even doing on this big blue ball? Just waiting around for another asteroid to strike?

Next, prepare. Client and attorney both need to become legal Rain Men as far as the case is concerned, with detailed, total knowledge of every minor detail. Line up challenges to every possible element: to the tests, to the lab work involving the blood (if blood was drawn to measure alcohol content), to the officer’s personal record—you get the picture. Those hardworking folks up in the state house—in pretty much every state—have, under pressure from groups lobbying hard to end drunk driving, stacked the deck of legislation against defendants and defense counsel. So you and your counselor have to be better. Faster. Stronger. Members of my tribe who do go ahead and advertise as specialists in DUI law are up-to-date on hopefully every element of the legislation. We know many cases are more winnable than they seem. It’s just good old-fashioned professionalism. You should expect that from the guy who fixes your car, from your favorite erotic dancer, and most definitely from your attorney.

Often a good idea: have your history and head discussed with and checked by a substance-abuse counselor. This can reduce the danger of looking like a potential three-peater—or five-peater—to the prosecutor. It’s a way to say, “Hey, I know, I might have a wee little problem here.” In addition to that assessment, round up medical records. If you’ve ever had any one of a number of medical challenges, they can have a profound effect on how you responded at the time you were stopped. What if you have a mild learning disability and the officer’s instructions during the sobriety tests were hard to follow? How fair is that, to get a DUI for the same reason you once failed PE class? Sure, mean old Coach Thunderthighs from junior high might say “Very fair,” but Coach would be wrong.

Act like you’re applying to the Ivys and put together the most detailed résumé possible. Academic records—especially if those are halfway decent—verification that you are a solid citizen with a job, proof that you volunteer to read to the kids at the public library every Saturday, anything that makes you look like a modern Mother Teresa who was temporarily blinded by life’s injustices and made one stupid mistake. Demonstrating the valuable and positive ways in which you contribute to society matters, because a DUI has a lot of moral and political weight to it. If this is your first DUI, you want to prove you aren’t the kind of boozehound who will keep knocking them back long after you’ve fallen off the bull. If this isn’t your first stumble into the rodeo ring, it helps to prove you’ve seen that you are of value to others and have a lot to lose.

Say you win, or the case is thrown out on a technicality—it goes away, somehow, and there are no substantial penalties to you, if any at all. Hooray. Figure out what you did wrong in the first place and don’t repeat it. And pay your attorney, because they could use a deep tissue foot massage after the song-and-dance they performed to keep you out of trouble.

Say you lose. We’ve already covered that, at least a little. Hopefully your attorney has been managing your expectations, because a lawyer who isn’t up-front about the shitty outcomes you might be facing isn’t giving you the best possible representation. They aren’t doing themselves any favors, either, because disillusioned clients are bad for repeat business.