K. Bromberg - Fueled

After what he did, he doesn’t deserve a second glance from me. I close mine for a beat to try and blink away the tears that threaten, telling myself that I have to keep it together. I have to keep my composure. And regardless of what I tell myself, images of Tawny barely covered by Colton’s T-shirt flash through my head. I have to bite back the sickening pang in my stomach and fight the urge to leave the room. My shock at seeing him here slowly churns itself into anger. This is my office and my meeting, and I can’t let him affect me. Or I at least have to give the pretense of it anyway.

I clench my jaw and shake away my misery as Teddy’s voice slowly seeps through the buzzing in my brain. He’s introducing me and I rise on wobbly legs to make my way to the front of the conference room, all too aware of the weight of Colton’s eyes locked on me.

I stand at the front of the room, thankful that I’ve rehearsed my presentation numerous times. My voice breaks as I begin, but I slowly find my confidence as I continue. I make sure to meet the eyes of the suits as well as avoid one set of eyes in particular. I channel my hurt and anger at him and his actions—and him just being here in general—to fuel my enthusiasm for the project. I speak of CD Enterprises and their monumental contributions, but never once look in his direction. I finish my presentation smoothly and succinctly and smile at the group before me. I answer the few questions that are posed and then gladly take my seat as the same time that Colton rises from the table and makes his way to the front of the room.

I fiddle with the papers in front of me as Colton addresses everyone. I curse myself for my last minute entrance into the meeting and my proximity to the front of the room. He is so close to me that his clean, woodsy smell lingers in the air and wraps itself into my head, evoking memories of our time together. All of my senses are on high alert, and I’d give anything to be able to leave the room right now.

It’s torture to have the person inches from you that makes you love inexplicably, desire desperately, despise viciously, and hurt unfathomably, all in the same breath.

I doodle aimlessly on my papers trying to distract myself as the rasp of his voice pulls at me. My eyes desperately want to look at him—to search out a reason or explanation for his actions, but I know that nothing will erase the images in my head from that day.

“In partnership with Corporate Cares, CD Enterprises has gone down every avenue possible to ensure the largest sum of donations. We’ve knocked on all doors, called in all outstanding favors, and answered all incoming phone calls. Everyone gets equal attention . No one is overlooked as we’ve found in projects past, that usually when you least expect it, someone will come along—someone that you might have originally written off—and they will be the one that ends up turning the tide. Sometimes the one that you assumed would be inconsequential , turns out to be the one that makes all the difference. ”

My eyes reflexively flash up to Colton’s on the word that holds so much significance between us. Despite the audience, Colton’s eyes are transfixed on mine as if he’s waiting for any reaction from me to tell him that I’ve heard his private innuendo. That I still care. And of course I played right into it. Damn it! The emerald of his eyes bore into mine and the muscles play in his jaw as our stare lasts longer than is professional, the message within his words registering in my psyche.

A diminutive smile curls up the corner of his mouth as he breaks his gaze from mine to continue. And that little smile, that little show of arrogance that proves he now knows he still affects me, both pisses me off and overwhelms me. Or is he trying to tell me that I’m the one who matters to him? I’m so confused. I don’t know what to think anymore.

The one thing I am sure of is that I refuse to be that girl . The girl that we all look at and think is stupid because she continually goes back to the guy that is always doing wrong by her―screwing around behind her back, leading her on, telling her one thing while doing the other. I have a backbone, and as much as I want Colton—as much as I do love Colton—I value the things I have to offer someone too much to let him or any guy trample me and my self-esteem. I just have to keep telling myself this as his voice seduces my ears, trying to draw me back in and strengthening his hold over me like nothing I’ve ever experienced.

“And such a phone call came in yesterday to my office. And by no means are we done with our fundraising efforts, but with that unexpected phone call, I am pleased to announce that in addition to the funds already pledged by CD Enterprises, another two million dollars has been confirmed in donations for the completion of your project.”

A collective gasp echoes through the room with Colton’s declaration. Voices buzz with excitement and the knowledge that our project is now fully funded, that all of our hard will work come to fruition.

I hang my head down amidst the commotion and squeeze my eyes shut as the roller coaster soars me up and then yanks me back down. I can’t even begin to process the gamut of emotions coursing through me. On one hand, all of my efforts on behalf of my boys will pay off in a monumental way. More kids will benefit from the program and have the chance to become positive contributors to society. On the other hand, Colton is the one handing me this victory. Talk about irony . I’m being handed everything I’ve dreamed of on a professional level by the one person that I want more than anything in the whole world, but can’t have on a personal level.

As much as I fight the emotions, they are just too much to bear. I’m overwhelmed. The flip-flopping between hurt and anger and misery has exhausted me. A tear slips down my cheek, and I hastily dash it away with the back of my hand as my shoulders tremble from the threat of so many more. The pain of having Colton just within reach and yet so far away from me is just too much. Everything is too fresh. Too raw.

I’ve lost myself so much to my emotions that I’ve forgotten my surroundings. When I come back to myself, the room is silent. I keep my head down, trying to pull myself together when I hear Teddy’s hushed voice. “It’s meant everything to her. She’s put her heart and soul into this…you can’t fault her for being overwhelmed.”

I hear murmurs of agreement, and I’m relieved that my coworkers have mistaken my visible emotion as elation in respects to the good news on the project rather than as a result of my personal heartache. I force a thready smile onto my lips and look up at the room of people despite the tears pooling in my eyes. I meet Teddy’s gaze, warmth and pride reflected on his face, and I smile sheepishly at him, playing into the charade. Anything to escape from Colton . “If you’ll excuse me, I just need a moment,” I murmur.

“Of course.” He smiles softly as does the rest of the room, assuming correctly that I need to go pull myself together but for all of the wrong reasons.

I rise and calmly walk to the door, leaving a wide berth to where Colton stands, and exit the room. I can hear Teddy’s voice congratulating everyone and declaring the meeting over seeing as there is no need to brainstorm how to secure the remainder of the funding anymore. My pace quickens as the distance increases from the conference room. I hold up my hand to Stella, effectively dismissing her, as she calls out my name. I make it to my office and shut the door in the nick of time before the first sob tears from my throat.

I let them roll through me as I lean against the wall opposing the door. I’ve tried to be so strong and hold them in for so many days, but I can’t anymore. I’m disappointed in myself for still caring about him. Upset that I still want him to think about me. Pissed that he can affect me in so many ways. That he still makes my heart swell for him while my head acknowledges that he turned to Tawny when things between us went beyond the mandated Colton dating stipulations.