Slava Brodsky: Funny Children's Stories

The sandbox was still half covered in snow. But we managed to make the pile somehow and started to play “Grandma-Grandpa.” And the boy began to play “Grandma-Grandpa” with us. And of course he lost.

And after he lost, he began to hop around the sandbox on one leg. Apparently, where he lived, that was the punishment for those who lost playing knives – to jump around the sandbox on one leg.

At this point we started to laugh so hard that we could not stop. The boy started to laugh with us. And because of that, it was even funnier. Some of us even fell to the ground from laughing so hard. When we finally stopped laughing, we explained to him what he had to do.

And then he was very scared and wanted to run away. But we caught him and started to force him to do what he had to do. When he realized that he would not be able to wiggle out of doing it, he tried to find the match with his teeth. We felt sorry for him and told him that he could help himself with his chin. So in the end, he found the match.

He found the match and ran away. And we just stood there, laughing and remembering how he hopped on one leg around the sandbox. Why we found it so funny, I cannot explain. But nothing funnier has happened in my life so far.

An Ink Pencil

This time before the holidays, the only thing everyone talked about was whether or not they would be selling flour. Everyone talked about this because a rumor was going around that they would not be selling flour this time. And only a few days ago, there was another rumor that they would sell flour. And everyone was really happy.

When my dad heard this news, he said, “This is to make our life even merrier.”* And Mom, of course, gave him THE look but did not say anything to him. But she told me that they would only sell one pack of flour per person. Therefore, she was going to take me with her to get two packs of flour.

I hate having to stand in line with Mom. So I tried to tell Mom that one pack might be just enough for us. But Mom sternly replied that I had to go with her to the store and that I should stop whining and that she would try not to torture me for too long.

She said that I should go with her to the store in the morning and stay in line until they gave me a number. Then I would be on my own. But Mom would continue to stand in line. And as her turn would near, she would run out to get me, and I would just have to come and get the pack of flour.

Mom also warned me that we would have to wake up early in order to get to the store before it opened. If we came to the store before it opened, then we would be done earlier.

I asked Mom whether we still had any jam left from last year. Because when Mom bakes something out of flour, I like to top that “something” with a bit of jam. But Mom said that we had run out of jam. Then I said that since we were buying flour, maybe it made sense to also buy some jam.

But Mom said that, first of all, she had not seen jam sold in stores for a long time, second, it was very expensive to buy jam in the store, and third, she was going to make jam herself this summer.

In the morning we went to the store. Though we did not go as early as Mom had planned. But we still got there before the store opened. A pretty big crowd had already gathered. And Mom blamed me for taking so long to get ready, because they had already started to give out the numbers.

Soon it was our turn. Well, it was our turn to get numbers written on our palms. Numbers were being written by some woman with dark blue lips. She put the ink pencil in her mouth, moistened the pencil, and wrote a number on the palm of an old man who was standing in front of my mom.

Then she again moistened her pencil and wrote a number on Mom’s palm. Then she moistened her pencil one more time and wrote a number on my palm.

I asked my Mom what was the purpose of the ink pencil and who invented it and why.

And Mom said that she had no idea who invented it or why. She had never thought about it. And maybe, the ink pencil was invented just for writing numbers on palms.

Mom asked me to go home and do all my homework. And she said that later, after we bought flour, I could go out and play.

Mom warned me not to go out of the house. And when I asked why, she replied that she did not want to look for me in all those junkyards that I loved so much. She also told me that I should not even think about getting my hands dirty and God forbid I should wash them, otherwise the number on my palm might wash off.

I ran home to do my homework. And literally in an hour, Mom came back. I was very glad that she came back so soon. But Mom said that they decided to form a group of six people within the line, so that only two people from the group would have to remain on duty by the store to make sure that our numbers were still on the list.

And Mom said that she had to return to the line by one o’clock and that we were really lucky because the roll-call would start at one o’clock and we could go there together.

At twelve thirty, Mom said it was time to go for the roll-call. So we went. However, everything turned out to be different from the way Mom thought it would be. First of all, it was very hard to find our group of people in line. Second, two hours prior, someone had conducted another roll-call, and as a result, Mom and I were crossed off the list.

Mom started to argue why they had conducted extra roll-call. And everyone who came back at one o'clock became angry for being removed from the list. There was a big scandal there. Everyone was yelling something. And it was all very funny.

And just then a rumor started going around that if you paid three rubles to the cashier in the store then you could buy flour from the store’s back door, without waiting in line. But Mom said that she was not about to pay anything to anyone.

Finally, everyone in line agreed that all those who were present at one o’clock would be put back on the list. And Mom said that we were lucky that there were a lot of people like us. That was why people in the line agreed to put our names back on the list.

Also Mom said that it was fortunate that they did not throw out the old list. They just crossed off our numbers.

During the roll-call at one o’clock, they created a new list. After about an hour, Mom's number and my number were restored on the new list. And Mom said that I could go home but she would stay until the end and not go anywhere.

In the evening, Mom ran home to get me. It turned out that while I was doing my homework, there were two more roll-calls. But Mom did not come for me because everyone in the line decided that one person could mark for two.

We went back to the store once again. This time, everything turned out to be fine. We got two packs of flour just before the store closed. And Mom said that we were lucky because if in the morning we had come half an hour later, there would have been nothing left for us. And that those who could come tomorrow morning would create a new list. They would guard this list all night. And Mom said that this would be a whole different story. Because whether or not the flour would be available for sale tomorrow was still up in the air.

Of course, I was very happy that everything worked out so well for us. But what made me especially happy was the fact that my mom was happy. And she really was happy that the day was not wasted.

After the story with the flour, there were a few times when I remembered the ink pencil and wondered again who invented it and why. I did not believe that it was invented just to write numbers on palms.

And I remembered that someone once told me that after the war, our soldiers brought from Germany a lot of ladies’ nightgowns. At the time, no one thought of them as nightgowns. And women started wearing them, thinking that they were dressing up. For example, they wore them when going to the theater.