Danielle Steel - Full circle

“Stop it, Tan. It was Eileen.”

“Obviously.” Instinctively, she had known.

“And where are the girls?” She didn't even know why she had asked.

“In Malibu.”

“In Malibu? You mean you're alone with her?”

“We had to talk.” His voice sounded dead suddenly.

“Alone? At this hour? What the hell does that mean? Did she sign?”

“Yes, no … look, I have to talk to you.…”

“Oh, now you have to talk to me…” She was being cruel to him and now they were both beginning to sound hysterical. “What the fuck is going on down there?” There was an endless silence which he couldn't fill. Tana hung up and cried all night, and he arrived in San Francisco the next day. It was Saturday and he found her at home, as he knew he would. He used his key and let himself in, and he found her sitting mournfully on her deck looking out over the Bay. She didn't even turn when she heard him come in, but spoke to him with her back turned. “Why did you bother to come up?”

He knelt beside her and touched her neck with his fingertips. “Because I love you, Tan.”

“No, you don't.” She shook her head. “You love her. You always did.”

“That's not true.…” But they both knew it was, in fact, all three of them did. “The truth is that I love both of you. That's an awful thing to say, but it's the truth. I don't know how to stop loving her, and at the same time I'm in love with you.”

“That's sick.” She continued to stare out at the Bay, passing judgment on him, and he tugged at her hair to make her look at him, and when she did, he saw tears on her face and it broke his heart.

“I can't help what I feel. And I don't know what to do about what's happening. Elizabeth almost flunked out of school, she's so upset about us, Eileen and me. Julie is having nightmares. Eileen quit her job at the OAS, she turned down the ambassadorial post they tried to tempt her with, and she came home, with the girls.…”

“They're living with you?” Tana looked as though he had just driven a stake into her heart, and he nodded. He didn't want to lie to her anymore. “When did all this happen?”

“We talked about it a lot in Washington on Easter week … but I didn't want to upset you when you were working so hard, Tan…” She wanted to kick him for what he'd said. How could he not tell her something like that? “And nothing was sure. She did it all without consulting me, and just showed up last week. And now what do you expect me to do? Throw them out?”

“Yes. You should never have let them in again.”

“She's my wife, and they're my kids.” He looked as though he were on the verge of tears but Tana stood up then.

“I guess that solves it then, doesn't it?” She walked slowly to the door and looked at him. “Goodbye, Drew.”

“I'm not leaving here like this. I'm in love with you.”

“Then get rid of your wife. It's as simple as that.”

“No it's not, goddammit!” He was shouting now. She refused to understand what he was going through. “You don't know what it's like … what I feel … the guilt … the agony…” He started to cry and she felt sick as she looked at him. She turned away and had to fight to speak above the tears in her own voice.

“Please go.…”

“I won't.” He pulled her into his arms, and she tried to push him away, but he wouldn't let her do that, and suddenly, without wanting to, she succumbed, and they made love again, crying, begging, shouting, railing at each other and the Fates, and when it was all over, they lay spent in each other' arms and she looked at him.

“What are we going to do?”

“I don't know. Just give me time.”

She sighed painfully. “I swore I'd never do something like this…” But she couldn't bear the thought of losing him, nor he the pain of giving her up. They cried and lay in each other's arms for the next two days, and when he flew back to Los Angeles, nothing was solved, except they both knew it wasn't over yet. She had agreed to give him more time, and he had promised her he'd work it out, and for the next six months they drove each other mad with promises and threats, ultimatums and hysteria. Tana called and hung up on Eileen a thousand times. Drew begged her not to do anything rash. The children were even aware of what terrible shape he was in. And Tana began avoiding everyone, especially Harry and Averil. She couldn't bear the questions she saw in his eyes, the sweetness of his wife, the children which only reminded her of Drew's. It was an intolerable situation for all of them, and Eileen was even aware of it, but she said that she wasn't moving out again. She would wait for him to work it out, she wasn't going anywhere, and Tana felt as though she were going mad. She spent her birthday and the Fourth of July and Labor Day and Thanksgiving alone, predictably.…

“What do you expect of me, Tana? You want me to just walk out on them?”

“Maybe I do. Maybe that's exactly what I expect of you. Why should I be the one who's always alone? It matters to me too.…”

“But I've got the kids.…”

“Go fuck yourself.” But she didn't say that for real, until she had spent Christmas alone. He had promised to come up, both then and on New Year's Eve, and she sat and waited for him all night and he never came. She sat in an evening dress until nine A.M. on New Year's Day, and then slowly, irrevocably, she took it off and threw it in the trash. She had bought the dress just for him. She had the locks changed the next day, and packed up all the things he'd left with her over the past year and a half and had them sent to him in an unmarked box. And after that she sent him a telegram which said it all. “Goodbye. Don't come back again.” And she lay drowning in her tears. For all the bravery, the final straw had almost broken her back, and he came flying up as soon as he began to get the messages, the telegram, the package, he was terrified that she might mean it this time, and when he tried his key in her lock, he knew she did. He drove frantically to her office and insisted on seeing her, and when he did her eyes were cold and the greenest he had ever seen.

“I have nothing left to say to you, Drew.” A part of her had died. He had killed it with the hopes that had never been fulfilled, the lies he'd told to both of them, and most of all himself. She wondered now how her mother had stood it for all those years without killing herself. It was the worst torture Tana had ever been through and she never wanted to go through it again, for anyone. And least of all for him.

“Tana, please.…”

“Goodbye.” She walked out of her office and down the hall, disappearing into a conference room, and she left the building shortly after that, but she didn't go home for hours. And when she did, he was still waiting there, outside, in the driving rain. She slowed her car, and she saw him and drove off again. She spent the night in a motel on Lombard Street, and the next morning when she went back, he was sleeping in his car. When instinctively he heard her step, he woke and leapt out to talk to her. “If you don't leave me alone, I'll call the police.” She sounded tough and threatening, looked furious to his eyes, but what he didn't see was how broken she felt inside, how long she sobbed once he was gone, how desperate she felt at the thought of never seeing him again. She actually thought of jumping off the Bridge, but something stopped her when she thought of it and she didn't even know what. And then, as though by miracle, Harry sensed something wrong when he called repeatedly and no one answered the phone. She thought it was Drew, and she lay on the living room floor and sobbed, thinking of the time when they had made love there and he had proposed to her. And then suddenly there was a pounding on the door and she heard Harry's voice. She looked like a derelict when she opened it, standing there in her tear-stained face and bare feet, her skirt covered with lint from the rug, her sweater all askew.