Danielle Steel - Full circle

“My God, what happened to you?” She looked as though she'd been drinking for a week, or had been beaten up, or as though something terrible had happened to her. Only the last was true. “Tana?” She dissolved in tears as he looked at her, and he held her close to him as she hovered awkwardly over his chair, and then he sat her down on the couch and she told him her tale.

“It's all over now … I'll never see him again.…”

“You're better off.” Harry looked grim. “You can't live like this. You've looked like shit for the past six months. It's just not fair to you.”

“I know … but maybe if I'd waited … I think eventually…” She felt weak and hysterical, and suddenly she had lost her resolve and Harry shouted at her.

“No! Stop that! He's never going to leave his wife if he hasn't by now. She came back to him seven months ago, damn it, Tan, and she's still there. If he wanted out, he'd have found the door by now. Don't kid yourself.”

“I have been for a year and a half.”

“That's how things go sometimes.” He tried to sound philosophical, but he wanted to kill the son of a bitch who had done this to her. “You just have to pick yourself up and go on.”

“Oh yeah, sure…” She started to cry again, forgetting who she was talking to, “That's easy for you to say.”

He looked long and hard at her. “Do you remember when you dragged me back to life by the teeth, and then into law school the same way? Remember me? Well, don't give me that shit, Tan. If I made it, so can you. You'll live through it.”

“I've never loved anyone like I loved him.” She whimpered horribly and it broke his heart as she looked at him, with those huge green eyes. She didn't look more than twelve years old and he wanted to make everything all right for her, but he couldn't make Drew's wife disappear, although he would have liked to do that for her. Anything for Tan, his best and dearest friend.

“Someone else will come along. Better than him.”

“I don't want someone else. I don't want anyone.” And Harry feared that more than anything.

And in the next year she set out to prove just that. She refused to see anyone except her colleagues at work. She went nowhere, saw no one, and when Christmas came, she even refused to see Averil and Harry. She had turned thirty-two alone, had spent her nights alone, would have eaten Thanksgiving turkey alone, if she'd bothered to eat any at all, which she didn't. She worked overtime and double time and golden time and all the time, sitting at her desk until ten and eleven o'clock at night, taking on more cases than she ever had before, and for literally a year, she had no fun at all. She rarely laughed, called no one, had no dates with anyone, and took weeks to answer Harry's calls.

“Congratulations.” He finally reached her in February. She had mourned Drew Lands for more than a year, and she had inadvertently learned through mutual friends that he and Eileen were still together and had just bought a beautiful new home in Beverly Hills. “Okay, asshole.” Harry was tired of chasing her. “How come you don't return my calls anymore?”

“I've been busy for the last few weeks. Don't you read the papers? I'm waiting for a verdict to come in.”

“I don't give a fuck about that, in case you're interested, and that doesn't account for the last thirteen months. You never call me anymore. I always call you. Is it my breath, my feet, or my IQ?” She laughed. Harry never changed.

“All of the above.”

“Asshole. Are you going to go on feeling sorry for yourself for the rest of your life? The guy wasn't worth it, Tan. And a whole year is ridiculous.”

“It had nothing to do with that.” But they both knew that wasn't true. It had everything to do with Drew Lands, and his not leaving his wife.

“That's new too. You never used to lie to me.”

“All right, all right. It's been easier not to see anybody.”

“Why? You ought to celebrate! You could have done what your mother did and sat there for fifteen years. Instead, you were smart enough to get the hell out. So what did you lose, Tan? Your virginity? Eighteen months? So what? Other women lose ten years over married men … they lose their hearts, their sanity, their time, their lives. You got off lucky if you ask me.”

“Yeah.” Somewhere in her heart, she knew he was right, but it still didn't feel good yet. Maybe it never would. She still alternated between missing him and being angry at him. It wasn't the indifference she would have liked to feel, and she finally admitted that to Harry when she let him take her to lunch.

“That takes time, Tan. And a little water over the dam. You have to go out with some other people. Fill your head with other stuff, not just him. You can't just work all the time.” He smiled gently at her, he loved her so much, and he knew he always would. It wasn't like what he felt for his wife. She was more like a sister to him now. He remembered the tremendous crush he had had on her for years and he reminded her of that now. “And I survived.”

“That wasn't the same thing. Shit, Drew had proposed marriage to me. He was the only man I'd ever even wanted to marry. Do you know that?”

“Yes, I do.” He knew her better than anyone. “So, he's a jerk. We already know that. And you're a little slow. But you'll want to get married again. Someone else will come along.”

“That's all I need.” She looked revolted at the thought. “I'm too old. Teen romance is not my style anymore, thanks.”

“Fine, then find some old fart who thinks you're cute, but don't sit around like this and waste your life.”

“It isn't exactly wasted, Harry.” She looked somberly at him. “I have my work.”

“That's not enough. Christ, you're a pain.” He looked at her and shook his head, and invited her to a party they were giving the following week, but she never showed up in the end. And he had to go on a campaign to drag her out of her shell again. It was as though she had been raped again. And then, to make matters worse, she lost a major case and got depressed about that. “Okay, okay, so you're not infallible. Give yourself a break for chrissake. Get off the cross. I know it's Easter week, but one's enough. Can't you find something else to do except torment yourself? Why don't you come spend a weekend in Tahoe with us?” They had just rented a house, and Harry loved going up there with the kids. “We can't go up for much longer anyway.”

“Why not?” She glanced at him as he paid the check, and he smiled at her. She had given him a hard time for the past few months, but she was starting to come out of it.

“I can't take Averil up much longer. She's pregnant again, you know.” For a minute, Tana actually looked shocked and he laughed at her, and then blushed. “It's happened before, after all … I mean, it's not that remarkable.…” But they both knew it was. And suddenly Tana grinned at him. It was as if life had come back into focus again, and suddenly Drew Lands was gone and she wanted to shout and sing. It was like having had a toothache for over a year, and discovering miraculously that the tooth was gone.

“Well, I'll be damned. Don't you two ever stop?”

“Nope. And after this, we'll go for four. I want another girl this time, but Ave wants a boy.” Tana was beaming at him, and she gave him a big hug as they left the restaurant.

“I'm going to be an aunt again.”

“That's the easy way, if you ask me. Not fair, Tan.”

“It suits me just fine.” One thing she knew she didn't want was children, no matter what man wandered into her life. She didn't have time for that, and she was too old now anyway. She had made that decision long ago; her baby was the law. And she had Harry's children to spoil when she wanted someone little to sit on her lap. They were both adorable, and she was happy for them that a third one was coming along. Averil always had a pretty easy time, and Harry was always so proud of himself, and he could certainly afford as many as they chose to have. Only her mother disapproved when she talked to her.