Danielle Steel - Full circle

Her mother and Arthur were waiting for her when she arrived, and it shocked her to see how much he had aged. Her mother was only fifty-two years old, which was still young, but Arthur was sixty-six now and he wasn't aging gracefully. The years of stress with his alcoholic wife had taken their toll, as had running Durning International, and it all showed now. He had had several heart attacks and a small stroke, and he looked terribly old and frail, and Jean was very nervous, watching him. She seemed to cling to Tana like a life raft in a troubled sea, and when Arthur went to bed that night, her mother came to her room and sat at the foot of the bed. It was the first time Tana had actually stayed at the house, and she had the newly decorated bedroom her mother had promised her. It was just too much trouble to stay in town, or at a hotel, and Tana knew her mother would have been terribly hurt. They saw too little of her as it was. Arthur only went to Palm Beach, to their condo- minium there, and her mother didn't like to leave him to fly out to San Francisco, so they only saw Tana when she came East, which was more and more infrequently.

“Is everything all right, sweetheart?”

“Fine.” It was better than that, but she didn't want to say anything about it to Jean.

“I'm glad.” She usually waited a day to start complaining about Tana's “wasted life,” but this time she didn't have much time so she would have to move fast, Tana knew. “Your job's all right?”

“It's wonderful.” She smiled and Jean looked sad. It always depressed her that Tana liked her job as much as she did. It meant she wouldn't be giving it up soon. She still secretly thought that one day Tana would drop everything for the right man, it was hard for Jean to imagine that she wouldn't do that. But she didn't know her daughter very well. She never really had, and she knew her even less now.

“Any new men?” It was the same conversation they always had, and Tana usually said no, but this time she decided to throw her mother a small bone.

“One.”

Jean's eyebrows shot up. “Anything serious?”

“Not yet.” Tana laughed. It was almost cruel to tease her that way. “And don't get excited, I don't think it ever will be. He's a nice man, and it's very comfortable, but I don't think it's more than that.” But the sparkle in her eyes said that she lied and Jean saw that too.

“How long have you been seeing him?”

“Two months.”

“Why didn't you bring him East?”

Tana took a deep breath and hugged her knees on the single guest bed, her eyes fixed on Jean's. “As a matter of fact, he's visiting his little girls in Washington.” She didn't tell her that she was meeting him in New York the following night. She had let Jean think she was flying back out West. It gave her brownie points for coming home just for a day, and gave her the freedom to float around New York at will with Drew. She didn't want to drag him out to meet her family, especially not with Arthur and his offspring around.

“How long has he been divorced, Tana?” Her mother sounded somewhat vague as she glanced away.

“Awhile.” She lied, and suddenly her mother's eyes dug into her.

“How long?”

“Relax, Mom. He's actually working on it right now. They just filed.”

“How long ago?”

“A few months. For heaven's sake … relax!”

“That's exactly what you shouldn't do.” She got off the foot of Tana's bed and suddenly paced the room nervously, and then stood glaring at Tana again. “And the other thing you shouldn't do is go out with him.”

“What a ridiculous thing to say. You don't even know the man.”

“I don't have to, Tana.” She spoke almost bitterly. “I know the syndrome. The man doesn't even matter sometimes. Unless he's already divorced, with his papers in his hand, steer clear of him.”

“That's the dumbest thing I ever heard. You don't trust anyone, do you, Mom?”

“I'm just a whole lot older than you are, Tan. And as sophisticated as you think you are, I know better than you. Even if he thinks he's going to get divorced, even if he's absolutely sure of it, he may not. He may be so totally wound up in his kids, for all you know, that he just can't divorce his wife. Six months from now, he could go back to her, and you'll be left standing there, in love with him by then, with no way out, and you'll talk yourself into sticking around for two years … five years … ten … and the next thing you know, you'll be forty-five years old, and if you're lucky,” her eyes were damp, “he'll have his first heart attack and need you by then … but his wife may still be alive, and then you'll never have a chance at him. There are some things you can't fight. And most of the time, that's one of them. It's a bond that no one else can break for him. If he breaks it himself, or already has, then more power to you both, but before you get badly hurt, sweetheart, I'd like to see you stay out of it.” Her voice was so compassionate and so sad that Tana felt sorry for her. Her life hadn't been much fun since she and Arthur had gotten married, but she had won him at last, after long, hard, desperately lonely years. “I don't want that for you, sweetheart. You deserve better than that. Why don't you stay out of it for a while, and see what happens to him?”

“Life is too short for that, Mom. I don't have much time to play games with anyone. I have too much else to do. And what difference does it make? I don't want to get married anyway.”

Jean sighed and sat down again. “I don't understand why. What do you have against marriage, Tan?”

“Nothing. It makes sense if you want kids, I guess, or have no career of your own. But I do, I have too much else in my life to be dependent on anyone, and I'm too old for children, now. I'm thirty years old, and I'm set in my ways. I could never turn my life upside down for anyone.” She thought of Harry and Averil's house which looked as though a demolition squad stopped to visit them every day. “It's just not for me.” Jean couldn't help wondering if it was something she had done, but it was a combination of everything, knowing that Arthur had cheated on Marie, seeing how badly her mother had been hurt for so long, and not wanting that for herself, she wanted her career, her independence, her own life. She didn't want a husband and kids, she was sure of it. She had been for years.

“You're missing out on so much.” Jean looked sad. What hadn't she given this child to make her feel like that?

“I just can't see that, Mom.” She searched her mother's eyes for something she saw but didn't understand.

“You're the only thing that matters to me, Tan.” She found that hard to believe and yet for years her mother had sacrificed everything for her, even putting up with Arthur's gifts of charity, just so she would have something more for her child. It tore at Tana's heart to remember that, and it reminded her of how grateful she should be. She hugged her mother tight, remembering the past.

“I love you, Mom. I'm grateful for everything you did for me.”

“I don't want gratitude. I want to see you happy, sweetheart. And if this man is good for you, then wonderful, but if he's lying to you or himself, he'll break your heart. I don't want that for you … ever.…”

“It's not like what happened to you.” Tana was sure of it, but Jean was not.

“How can you know? How can you be sure of that?”

“I just can. I know him by now.”

“After two months? Don't be a fool. You don't know anything, any more than I did twenty-four years ago. Arthur wasn't lying to me then, he was lying to himself. Is that what you want, seventeen years of lonely nights, Tan? Don't do that to yourself.”

“I won't. I've got my work.”

“It's no substitute.” But in her case it was, she substituted it for everything. “Promise me you'll think about what I said.”