Danielle Steel - Full circle

“That had nothing to do with this. They wanted you to have a fresh start, with a husband and a family at the right time.”

“They were wrong, and so was I. You'll never know what it felt like … that emptiness when I went home … with nothing … with no one … nothing will ever replace that.” She took a deep breath. “I haven't seen Danny since I went into the home in Maryland … and I'll never know where the baby is.… I graduated with my class…,” with a lead weight in her heart, “… and no one knew what I felt.…” Tana shook her head, watching her. They were both women now. It had been hard earned, hard won, and it was too soon to know if things would get better in time, but one thing they both knew as they walked slowly home, and that was that they each had a friend. Tana pulled Sharon off the stump, and they hugged each other tight, their tears fell on each other's cheeks, each feeling the other's pain, as much as they could.

“I love you, Shar.” Tana looked at her with her gentle smile, and Sharon dried her eyes.

“Yeah … me too.…”

And they walked home arm in arm, in the silent night, went back to Jasmine House, got undressed and into their beds, each with her own thoughts.

“Tan?” It was Sharon's voice in the dark room.

“Yeah?”

“Thanks.”

“For what? Listening? That's what friends are for … I need you too.”

“My father was right, you know. You've got to move on in life.”

“I guess.” But how? “Did he have any suggestions about how to pull that on?”

Sharon laughed at that. “I'll have to ask him that.” And then suddenly, she had an idea. “Why don't you ask him yourself? Why don't you come home for Thanksgiving with me?”

Tana mulled it over from her bed, with the beginnings of a smile. She liked the idea. “I don't know what my mother will say.” But all of a sudden she wasn't sure she cared, and if she did, it wasn't as much as she would have cared six months before. Maybe it was time to try her wings and do what she wanted to do. “I'll call her tomorrow night.”

“Good.” Sharon smiled sleepily and turned over in her bed, with her back to her friend. “G'night, Tan.…” And a moment later, they were both asleep, more at ease than either of them had been in months, Tana's hands cast childlike above the blond hair, and Sharon cuddled up into a little black purring ball. Even the long legs seemed to disappear and she looked like a kitten as she slept peacefully.

Jean Roberts was disappointed when her daughter called to say that she had decided not to come home for Thanksgiving.

“Are you sure?” She didn't want to insist, but she would have preferred it if Tana were coming back. “You don't know this girl very well.…”

“Mother, I live with her. We share the same room. I know her better than I've ever known anyone in my life.”

“Are you sure her parents won't mind?”

“Positive. She called them this afternoon. They have a room for me, and she said they were delighted that she was bringing someone home.” Of course they were. From what Sharon had said, it proved Miriam's point that Sharon could be happy at Green Hill, even if she was the only black girl there, and now she was bringing one of “them” home, the ultimate proof of how well they had accepted her. They didn't know that Tana was her only friend, that there wasn't a single place in Yolan where she could be served, that she hadn't been able to go to a movie since she'd arrived, and that even in the cafeteria at school, the girls avoided her. But, according to Sharon, even if they had known, Miriam would have felt it proved even more that Sharon was needed there. “They” had to accept Negroes one day, and the time was now. It was a good challenge for Sharon, particularly after last year, this would keep her from dwelling on herself, Miriam Blake thought, it would give her something else to think about, or so she had said. “Really, they said it was fine.”

“All right, then be sure you invite her up sometime during the Christmas holidays,” Jean smiled into the phone, “in fact, I have a little surprise for you. Arthur and I were going to tell you over Thanksgiving…” Tana's heart stopped. Was he finally marrying her? She was robbed of speech as her mother went on. “Arthur made it possible for you to have a little ‘coming out’ party of your own. There's a small cotillion here in town … well, not a cotillion really, but a deb party of sorts, and Arthur put up your name, I mean you did go to Miss Lawson's after all, dear, and … you're going to be a debutante, sweetheart. Isn't that wonderful?” For a moment, no words came to Tana's mind. It didn't seem particularly wonderful at all, and once again her mother would be kissing Arthur Durning's feet … marry her … what a joke. How could she have thought a thing like that … a “cotillion of sorts” … shit.… “Why don't you invite your new friend to come up then?” Tana almost choked. Because my new friend is black, Mom.

“I'll ask, but I think she's going away over the holidays.” Shit. A debutante. And who would her escort be? Billy Durning? The son of a bitch.

“You don't sound very excited, sweetheart.” There was disappointment in Jean Roberts' voice, both because Tana wouldn't be coming home, and because she didn't sound very excited about the party Arthur had arranged. He knew how much it meant to Jean. Ann had come out at the International Ball four years before, of course, though not at a small deb party like this, but nonetheless it would be a wonderful experience for Tana to have, or at least Jean thought it would.

“I'm sorry, Mom. I guess I'm just surprised.”

“It is a beautiful surprise, isn't it?” No. She didn't really care. Things like that didn't matter to her. They never had. All the social nonsense of the Durnings' world seemed irrelevant to her, but it meant so much to Jean. It always had, ever since she had fallen in love with him. “You'll have to think of an escort for the dance. I was hoping Billy could,” Tana felt her heart pound and her chest get tight, “but he's going skiing in Europe with friends. In Saint Moritz, the lucky boy,” … lucky boy … He raped me, Mom.… “You'll just have to think of someone else. Someone suitable, of course.” Of course. How many other rapists do we know?

“It's too bad I can't go alone.” Tana's voice sounded dead at her end of the phone.

“That's a ridiculous thing to say.” Jean sounded annoyed. “Well, anyway, don't forget to invite your friend … the one you're going home for Thanksgiving with.”

“Sure.” Tana smiled. If she only knew. Jean Roberts would have died if Tana had invited a black friend to the little “coming out” party Arthur had arranged. It almost amused Tana to think of it, but she would never have taken advantage of Sharon like that. They were all a bunch of rude pricks. She knew that even her mother wasn't ready for that. “What'U you do for Thanksgiving, Mom? Will you be all right?”

“I'll be fine. Arthur had already invited us to Greenwich for the day.”

“Maybe now that I won't be there, you can spend the night.” There was a dead silence on the phone, and Tana regretted the words. “I didn't mean it like that.”

“Yes, you did.”

“Well, what difference does it make? I'm eighteen years old now. It's not a secret.…” Tana felt sick as she thought of the endless gray room where … “I'm sorry, Mom.”

“Take care of yourself.” She drew herself up. She would miss seeing her, but she had a lot to do now, and Tana would be home in a month anyway. “And don't forget to thank your friend for having you there.” Tana smiled to herself, it was like being seven years old again. Maybe it always would be.