Danielle Steel - Remembrance

But more and more Teddy found himself remembering Serena's pregnancies. He remembered the golden glow she had seemed to have before the birth of Vanessa, and how he had delivered her himself that afternoon, alone in the house in the Presidio. He told Linda about it one night, and she watched him. Something so gentle and so sad always happened to his face when he spoke of Serena. It gave her just a hint of what the woman must have been like, and always made her wish that she had met her. She had seen photographs of her among some of Teddy's old things, and she was really incredibly beautiful. It was funny, only Vanessa's shape was actually reminiscent of her mother. Her face and everything else about her was exactly like her father. It was only in looking at the old photographs or remembering cherished moments that Serena still came alive to Teddy.

“Weren't you terrified?” Linda was referring to when he had found Serena on the floor, already in hard labor.

“Scared shitless.” He grinned. “I had been in med school for exactly four months, and the only thing I knew about delivering babies was what I had seen in the movies. Boil water and smoke a lot until the doctor comes out of the room, wiping his hands. And suddenly the whole damn movie was upside down and I was the doctor.”

“Did she have a hard time?” There was a tiny edge of fear in Linda's voice as she spoke. In the last few weeks she had started to get a little nervous. But Teddy knew instantly what was happening and he kissed her and shook his head.

“No, she really didn't. I think most of all we were both scared because we didn't know what was happening. But once she started pushing, it went great after that.”

“You know”—she smiled sheepishly at Teddy—”I hate to admit it, at my age, and with my training …” He smiled, already knowing what was coming. “… but lately I've been getting nervous about it.”

“I hate to tell you this, Doctor, but that's perfectly normal. All women get nervous before childbirth. Who wouldn't? It's a major happening in anyone's life, and physically it's always a little scary.”

“I feel so silly though. I'm a psychiatrist, I'm supposed to be able to handle things like that.” She looked at him in sudden panic. “What if I can't stand the pain? … if I freak out … ?” He took her in his arms and stroked her dark hair.

“You're not going to, and it's going to be wonderful.”

“How do you know?” She sounded like any of a million patients and he loved her better for it.

“Because you're in good health, you've had no problems at all, and because I'm going to be right there with you the whole time.”

Linda had been so excited about this first baby that she had bought everything in sight since the day she found out she was pregnant. The nursery was a sea of white eyelet with blue and pink ribbons, there was an antique bassinet draped in white organdy, a cradle a patient had sent her, shelves filled with dolls, handmade quilts, and lots of little goodies knitted by Linda's mother. A dozen times a day now she walked into the room, looked around, and she always felt that something was missing. It was five days before her due date when she finally realized what it was that was missing, as she laughingly told Vanessa over lunch.

“It's the baby!” They born laughed at the revelation. Linda had retired from her practice the week before, and she was enjoying the last days of waiting. “I must admit, I'm a little antsy. But part of that is just not working for the first time in fifteen years. I feel guilty as hell about that.” But she was going back for half days when the baby was a month old, so the five weeks she'd taken off were really no more than a healthy vacation.

“Your patients will wait.”

“I suppose so,” Linda sighed, “but I worry about them.”

“You're as bad as Teddy. Before he met you, he'd have a nervous breakdown if he took two weeks off. There's something about doctors. They're compulsive.”

Linda grinned. “I think we like to call it conscientious.”

“Well, I must say, I admire it. But I don't have that problem. I spent all of last week sitting on my ass and I loved it.”

“Oh?” Linda looked intrigued. “With anyone special, or is that an indiscreet question?”

There was a twinkle in Vanessa's eyes when she answered. “I saw John Henry again. I decided not to use him as my agent.” For Vanessa that was a major step, Linda knew. She had been almost certain that that was going to be the way out Vanessa would have selected. She would hire him as her agent and then claim that she couldn't get involved with him after that.

“That's an interesting decision.” She sounded noncommittal, and Vanessa grinned.

“You sound like a shrink.”

“Do I?” Linda laughed. “I apologize. I meant to sound like an aunt.”

A warm look passed between them. “You're not bad at that either. No, I don't know. I thought about it a lot. And in a funny way I think we were already too involved with each other for me to do business with him coherently. The funny thing”—she looked at Linda in a puzzled way—”is that I'm attracted to him.”

“Is that such a shock?”

“For me, yes. Most of the time, Linda”—she shrugged—”even if I like them, I don't want to go to bed with them. I just… I just can't.…”

“When the right one comes along, it'll be different.”

“How do you know?” Vanessa looked very young as she asked her. “Sometimes I think maybe I'm just strange. It's not that I don't like men, it's just that …” She groped for the words. “It's as though there were this wall up between them and me, and I just can't get past it.” That was exactly what was happening, as Linda knew only too well. She only hoped that one day Vanessa would find the door, or have the courage to climb over the wall.

“There are no walls too high for us to climb, love. Some walls just take more work than others. I think that it may just depend on how badly you want to.”

“I don't know.” Vanessa didn't look convinced. “It's not really that … it's like I just don't know how to begin, or what to do. … But,” she sighed softly, “it's crazy, John seems to understand that.”

“How old is he?”

“Twenty-seven.” Linda found herself wishing that he were older, and perhaps more mature.

“But he seems a lot older than his age. He was married for four years. They got married when he was in college. Childhood sweethearts and all that. She got pregnant, so they got married when he was eighteen. But—” She hesitated, realizing that she had just made a ghastly faux pas, and she looked up at Linda. “Never mind. It's a long story.”

“I'd like to hear it.” And the worst of it was that Vanessa wanted to tell her. She wanted to share what she was thinking about John. She needed to get it off her chest, and she could always talk straight to Linda.

“I'm sorry, love. It's a lousy story. But maybe since you're a doctor … Their baby was born defective. It had some terrible birth defect, and I guess he and his wife hung together because of the child. It sounded really awful when he told me. They took turns sitting at the hospital for the first year, and after that they had him at home until he”—she almost gulped—”until he died. I gather that it took a terrible toll on the marriage. When the baby died, they split up, and that was it. That was five years ago, and I think it shook him up for a long time.”

Linda looked shaken too, but birth defects were certainly no news to her, and to Vanessa's relief she didn't look overwhelmed by the story. “That's understandable, and so is the divorce. A lot of times couples don't survive tragedies like that one.”

Vanessa nodded. “I'm sorry to tell you that now. I didn't think when I started—”