Janet Evanovich - Takedown Twenty

The fourth floor had a wall pockmarked with bullet holes. I took this as a good sign. We listened at the door of 4A and heard what sounded like Grand Theft Auto. Jackpot. I put my ear to the door across the hall and heard nothing.

Lula was rooting through her Brakmin. “Uh-oh,” she said. “I might not have my gun. It might be in my other purse.”

The door to 4A opened and Antwan looked out at us. “What’s going on out here?”

“We’re party girls looking for Jimbo,” Lula said.

“There’s no Jimbo here,” Antwan said.

“Well, then, who are you? You want to party?”

“Hell no,” Antwan said. “I don’t party with old bitches like you.”

Lula narrowed her eyes. “Excuse me? ‘Old bitches’? Did you call me a old bitch?”

“Yeah,” Antwan said. “You a fat old bitch. And you got on a ’ho wig. I don’t party with bitches what wear wigs.”

“This here’s a Marilyn wig,” Lula said. “You know nothing. You’re nothing but a skank-ass, pencil-dick hemorrhoid. And you smell like anal leakage.”

“Say what?”

“Anal leakage. It’s when your anal leaks. And it don’t smell good.”

The bear shuffled over. “Am I missing something?”

“You ever heard of anal leakage?” Antwan asked him.

“I think it’s when you squeeze a dog’s butt and juice shoots out.”

“This fat old ’ho told me I smelled like anal leakage,” Antwan said.

The big guy looked down at him. “I never noticed.”

“You need to stop calling me old and fat,” Lula said. “It could get me mad, and then I’d have to put you in a lot of pain.”

Antwan pulled a massive gun out of his baggy pants. It was nickel-plated and had a snake inscribed on the barrel. “Maybe I’ll put you in a lot of dead .”

“What the heck is that?” Lula said, staring at the gun. “It looks like something you got in the claw machine at Seaside Heights.”

“I don’t like people insulting my gun,” Antwan said.

He fired off a round and got Lula in the Brakmin.

“You shot my Brakmin!” Lula yelped. “What the heck’s the matter with you? This here bag’s almost a Brahmin. And look what you did to one of my Swarovski crystals. You’re gonna have to pay for this.”

He raised the gun to fire again, and Lula clocked him on the side of his head with her bag. His eyes sort of rolled around in their sockets, he dropped to his knees, and the huge silver gun slipped from his fingers.

I had cuffs in one hand and my stun gun in the other.

“Hey,” Bear said. “What’s going on?”

“Fugitive apprehension,” Lula said, taking the cuffs from me and clamping them onto Antwan. “Stand back.”

“No way,” Bear said.

He swiped at Lula and knocked her on her butt. I lunged at him with my stun gun, pressed the prongs into his arm, and hit the GO button. Nothing. No reaction.

“That tingles,” Bear said. “I like it.”

Antwan’s eyes came into focus, and he realized he was cuffed. “Fuck.”

“That’s a bad word,” Lula said. “You shouldn’t say that in the presence of ladies.”

“Gimme the key,” Bear said.

I reached for the gun lying on the floor, and Bear grabbed me by my ankles and held me upside down.

“For a big man you’re deceptively fast,” Lula said to Bear. “And I gotta say I’m impressed with how strong you are.”

I wriggled, trying to get loose, and Bear gave me a shake. “Stop wriggling. I want the key.”

“She hasn’t got the key,” Lula said. “I’ve got the key, and you can’t catch me.” Lula waggled her butt and waved her arms. “You can’t catch me. You can’t catch me.”

Bear tossed me aside and went after Lula, chasing her into the apartment and around and around the couch. The gun was still lying on the floor, leaving me to reach the conclusion that Bear might be big and strong but he definitely wasn’t smart.

I scooped the gun up and held it with two hands. Awkward because of the splint on my broken finger. “Stop!”

“No way,” Bear said, still running circles around the couch after Lula.

“Get the fucking gun from her,” Antwan said to Bear.

Bear stopped and looked at me in surprise, like this was the first he saw that I had the gun. “How am I gonna do that?” Bear asked. “She’ll shoot me.”

Antwan was on his feet, hands still cuffed. “She’s not gonna shoot you. She’s just a dumb bitch. Look at her. She don’t even know how to hold a gun.”

Bear lunged at me and I fired off a shot. The gun kicked back and smacked me in the face. I saw stars and tasted blood, and my brain fogged for a beat.

Through the fog I heard Antwan yelling. “She shot off my ear! The fucking bitch shot off my ear!”

I’d intended the shot to go wide as a warning shot, but Antwan had moved at the wrong time and the round had obviously caught him on the side of the head. My face was throbbing, and blood was dripping off my nose onto my shirt. Lula was dancing in place, shrieking. Bear stood frozen, mouth open, eyes wide.

“Don’t just stand there,” Antwan said to Bear. “Get me to a fucking doctor.”

Bear slung Antwan over his shoulder, ran past me, and I heard him thundering down the stairs. I heard the front door open and slam shut. I was still holding the gun, and Lula was still shrieking.

“You can stop shrieking,” I said to Lula.

“Sorry,” Lula said. “I freaked when you shot off that cannon and everyone started gushing blood.”

“We need to get out of here before Antwan sends in someone with a brain and a gun.”

“Your nose don’t look good,” Lula said. “It’s swollen up already, and it’s making a right-hand turn.” She searched her purse and came up with a tissue. “You could stick this tissue up it for the time being. And you know what? Here’s my gun! I had my gun in here all the time. It must be what stopped the bullet when he shot up my purse, and it’s what gave him a good clunk on the head.”

I gave Antwan’s gun to Lula and took the tissue. I retrieved my messenger bag, and we crept down the blood-splotched stairs. We left the building and stood on the sidewalk in the pouring rain. No car.

“I don’t know what it’s coming to when people go around stealing cars in the rain,” Lula said. “Some people just don’t think what a inconvenience it is to other people when they steal a car in the rain.”

I walked, head down, to the corner and called Ranger.

“Someone stole your car,” I told him.

“We’re on it. Do you need a ride?”

“Definitely. And Lula’s with me.”

Ten minutes later Ranger pulled to the curb. I was drenched, I had two blood-soaked tissues stuck up my nose, my eyes were swollen almost shut, and my clothes and arms were streaked with rain-washed bloodstains. Ranger got out of his black Cayenne, and I saw the set of his mouth go grim.

“Babe,” he said.

“It’s not as bad as it looks,” I told him. “I just broke my nose.”

We drove in silence to the emergency clinic. I had my head tipped back, trying to stanch the blood flow, and Lula was in the backseat, trying to fluff her Marilyn wig.

Ranger checked me in at the clinic and called for one of his men to take Lula back to her car. I got an incredibly painful shot of Novocaine, had my nose realigned and taped, had a dry bandage put on my broken finger, and was sent home with cold packs.

“So you did this to yourself ?” Ranger asked.

“I shot off a monster gun, and it kicked back into my face.”

“And the other guy?”

“I shot his ear off.”

Ranger grinned.

“Unfortunately he got away.”

Ranger took me home and walked me to my door. “The guy with one ear is probably going to come after you,” he said. “Be careful.”