Margaret Atwood - Hag-Seed

“Woo woo is good,” says Felix. “I’m looking forward. Hit the button.”

“It’s coming from down the hallway,” says Sebert.

“Is that ‘Bird on a Wire’?” says Tony.

“They’re having us on,” says Sal.

“ ‘I have tried in my way to be free,’ ” says Lonnie. “Maybe it’s a message, from someone trying to help us. We might as well go and see. Otherwise we’ll just sit in here.”

“Why not?” says Sebert, nibbling on his index finger.

“Let them go first,” Tony whispers to him. “In case of bullets.”

“They’re out the door,” says 8Handz. “All four of them. The video in the hall’s not too good, but look, there they are. Going along the hall. Into the Green Room.”

“I feel guilty about putting Lonnie through all this,” says Felix, “but there’s nothing to be done. Anyway, he’s been keeping bad company. Did they plant the little speaker on him?”

“Yeah,” says 8Handz. “It’s on his collar, it’s working. When you need it turned on, scroll to here and hit Return.”

On the screen, they watch the four men as they approach the Green Room door. To either side of it, taped to the wall, there’s a cutout — a T-rex, a space creature — ushering them in.

“Excellent dumb discourse,” Felix murmurs to himself.

“What is this, a kindergarten?” says Sebert. “First palm trees, now this!”

“Who’s running this place?” says Sal. “There needs to be some changes!” He feels his forehead. “Is that a dinosaur? I feel weird. I think I’ve got a fever.” But they all go in through the doorway.

“What’s this?” says Tony. “It’s like a theatre green room! There’s even a freaking fruit bowl! Though it’s only grapes. There ought to be some crackers and cheese, on a plate.”

“What lovely music!” says Lonnie. “Is that from The Magic Flute ?”

“Whatever. I’m hungry,” says Sal. He’s swaying on his feet.

“We might as well eat as not eat,” says Sebert. “Have a grape.”

“Don’t touch the grapes,” says a small voice next to Lonnie’s ear. It’s a man’s voice, one he almost recognizes.

“What?” says Lonnie. “Who is this?” He touches his collar, feels the little speaker. Then he stands back while the other three munch.

“These taste odd,” says Sal. “We shouldn’t eat them.”

“We already ate them,” says Sebert.

“I feel strange,” says Tony. “I need to sit down.”

“That’s enough grapes,” says Felix. “It seems to be working. Do you know what was in that stuff? That I injected? ”

“Little of this, little of that,” says 8Handz. “Eye of newt. Ketamine. Salvia. Mushrooms. Awesome stuff, if they put it together right. Quick as a twink they’ll be buzzed out of their minds. It’s fast-acting, but it doesn’t last long. I wouldn’t mind having a hit of it right now myself.”

“Cue the thunder,” says Felix.

There’s a roar, a blackout. Then the lights come on: the fruit bowl has vanished. On the wall there’s a terrifying shadow: a huge bird, its wings opening and closing.

“Looking good,” says Felix to 8Handz.

“Yeah, you chose fabulous wings.”

A voice begins to sing, somewhat offtune:

You are three men of sin

Where’m I gonna begin?

You’ve been so bad

It makes me sad,

As a result, you’re going mad!

Felix was ruined by you,

Exiled into the blue;

Sal’s lost his son,

That’s no fun,

And your woes have just begun!

You must repent and say you’re sorry

If you want a good end to this story:

This…means…you!

“Where did it go?” says Tony. “That thing with wings! That demon! It’s over there!”

“What have I done?” says Sal. He begins to weep. “I might as well die! You heard that! They’ve killed Freddie and it’s all my fault! Because of what we did to Felix!”

“This is awful,” says Sebert. “We’ve been poisoned! Where’s my body? I’m vaporizing!”

“What’s gotten into you all?” says Lonnie.

“Fairly terrible poem, but it did the trick,” says Felix. “That, plus the grapes.”

“Wow, awesome,” says 8Handz. “They are like totally freaked! Gotta find out what else went into that mix!”

“We’ll leave them to their bad trip and look in on Ferdinand and Miranda,” says Felix. “Pull up their video feed recording. What’ve they been up to?”

“Let me rewind,” says 8Handz. “Okay, so they made a log pile out of the Lego, as per your directions. Then they said those mushy speeches to each other. Now they’re playing chess. She’s saying—”

“Good,” says Felix. “They’re right on script. They look very handsome together.”

“It’s almost like they meant it,” says 8Handz. “The true love and all that. It’s kind of elegant. Though not a very clear image,” he adds.

“Clear enough,” says Felix. “Let’s go back to the Green Room.”

In the Green Room, things are not peaceful.

Sal is curled up in a corner of the room, clutching his knees. Tears are running down his cheeks; he’s a diagram of woe. He seems to be having an interactive experience with the floor. “It’s dark, it’s all dark down there,” he’s saying. “Why’s it so dark? I need to go there, where it’s all dark, I need to find him!”

Tony’s batting at the air. “Back! Back!” he’s shouting. “Stay away from me!”

Sebert appears to believe he’s covered with insects, or some other form of many-legged life. “Get them off me!” he’s babbling. “Spiders!”

Sensible Lonnie has barricaded himself behind the table and is keeping out of their way.

“You sure you maybe didn’t overdo it?” says 8Handz. “With the grapes? This is, like, over the top.”

“I followed the instructions,” says Felix. He wanted anguish, and he’s got it. But should drug-induced anguish really count? And what are the side effects, and how long do they last? “How many minutes left to go on our official video?” he says. “The one playing in the cells, and for the Warden’s party?”

8Handz consults the time. “Should be about two-thirds through,” he says.

“We need to speed this thing along,” says Felix. “Cue Stephano and Trinculo.”

“They’re ready and waiting,” says 8Handz.

The Green Room door opens, and in prance Red Coyote and TimEEz, in full costume. Their faces are painted white, with clown mouths. Coyote’s wearing his frowzy Oxfam dinner jacket, TimEEz is in the set of red flannel long johns, the bowler tilted at a jaunty angle.

“Not what I’d want to see when I’m whacked,” says 8Handz. “Personally.”

“The dignitaries don’t like it either,” says Felix. Indeed, Sal, Tony, and Sebert are backing up to the walls and staring in alarm.

“Ohh look,” says TimEEz, pointing at them. “Monstrous! Monstrous! Ew, and what a fishy smell!”

“Fishy monsters,” says Red Coyote. “I smell…corruption!”

“We could put them on show,” says TimEEz. “Gibbering lunatics. Street people. Addicts. Dregs of society. Always good for a laugh.”

“People would pay good money to see this,” says Red Coyote. “ ‘Minister of Justice in Drug-Fueled Meltdown.’ Great headline!”

“Cue the Hag-Seed dancers,” says Felix.