Кадзуо Исигуро - Klara and the Sun

‘Mum, please. Stop this. There’s no way…’

‘You see my difficulty, Rick. I don’t quite know what it is your mother’s referring to here. She says she wants to apologize, but about what? It’s all so broad. I think maybe this will work better, Helen, if we get down to specifics.’

‘I’m just asking you to help my son, Vance. Isn’t that specific enough?’

‘Specifics, Helen. For example, that evening at Miles Martin’s house. You know the evening I refer to.’

‘Yes, yes. When I told them all that you’d not yet read the Jenkins Report…’

‘You earned yourself a big laugh at my expense for that one, Helen. And you knew what you were doing…’

‘Then Vance, I apologize about that evening. I was out of control, I was vindictive. I wish…’

‘Another specific. No order, I’m working down the list randomly. That voicemail you left me in that hotel. In Portland, Oregon. You think that wasn’t hurtful?’

‘It was very hurtful. It was a despicable message and I haven’t forgotten it. I…I hear it in my mind even now, it invades me when I least expect it. I have a quiet moment to myself, then there I am, in my mind, picking up the phone and leaving you that message all over again, except this time I change it. I edit it so that it’s not quite so awful. Because I never actually heard it myself, only heard myself saying it, I feel sometimes it’s not too late to amend it. I can’t help it, it’s a trick my mind plays and then I feel so dreadful all over again. Believe me, Vance, I’ve punished myself about that message so much. And you must appreciate, in those days, I didn’t know how you technically erase a message once you’ve left one…’

‘Mum, stop. Sir? I don’t think this is doing my mother much good. She’s been great recently, but…’

Miss Helen touched Rick’s arm to silence him. ‘Vance, I’m apologizing,’ she went on. ‘I’m pleading. I’m saying I behaved badly towards you and if you like, I’ll vow to you that I’ll punish myself and keep punishing myself until I’ve made it up to you.’

‘Mum, let’s go. This isn’t good for you.’

‘If you wish, Vance, we can arrange to meet again. Let’s say in two years’ time in this very place. Then you could check to see I’ve been keeping my promise. You could look me over and check that I’ve been punishing myself properly…’

‘That’s enough, Helen. If Rick wasn’t here, I’d tell you what I think of that.’

‘Sir? I don’t wish you to do anything at all to assist me. I don’t want any part of this now.’

‘No, Rick, you don’t know what you’re saying,’ Miss Helen said. ‘Don’t listen to him, Vance.’

Mr Vance rose to his feet and said: ‘I have to go.’

‘Mum, please calm down. None of this matters so much.’

‘You don’t know what you’re saying, Rick! Vance, don’t go just yet! Let’s not part like this. You used to love donuts. Won’t you have one now?’

‘I agree with Rick. None of this is good for you, Helen. Best thing’s for me to leave. Rick? I like those drawings and I like you. Take good care of yourself. Goodbye, Helen.’

Mr Vance walked off down the aisle between the booths, without looking back at any of us, then out through the glass door and into the darkness. Miss Helen and Rick went on sitting side by side, looking down at the space before them on the tabletop. Then Rick said: ‘Klara. Come and sit over here with us.’

‘I’m wondering,’ Miss Helen said.

Rick moved closer to her, placing an arm around her shoulders. ‘What are you wondering, Mum?’

‘I’m wondering if that was enough. If that will satisfy him.’

‘Honestly, Mum. If I’d known it was going to be even halfway like this, I’d have said never in a million years.’

I slipped into the seat vacated by Mr Vance, but neither Miss Helen nor Rick raised their glances to me. I looked at Miss Helen, and thought about how she and Mr Vance had once been besotted and in love. And I wondered if there had been a time when Miss Helen and Mr Vance had been as gentle to one another as Josie and Rick were now. And if it was possible that one day, Josie and Rick too might show such unkindness to each other. And I remembered the Father talking in the car about the human heart, and how complicated it was, and I saw him standing in the yard, directly in front of the low Sun, his figure and his evening shadow entwining into a single elongated shape as he reached up and unscrewed the protection cap from the nozzle of the Cootings Machine, and I stood anxiously behind him, holding the plastic mineral water bottle containing the precious solution.

‘What happened just now?’ Miss Helen asked. ‘What’s Vance going to do? Is he going to help? He could at least have told us one way or the other.’

‘Excuse me,’ I said. ‘I don’t wish to create unwarranted hope. But from what I observed I believe Mr Vance will decide to help Rick.’

‘You really think so?’ Miss Helen asked. ‘Why?’

‘I may be mistaken. But I believe Mr Vance is still very fond of Miss Helen and will decide to help Rick.’

‘Oh you darling robot! I do so hope you’re right. I don’t know what else I might have done.’

‘Mum, to hell with him. I’ll be fine anyway.’

‘He wasn’t nearly as ugly as I’d been led to expect,’ Miss Helen said, and looked out into the dark empty street. ‘In fact, he wasn’t so bad-looking at all. I just wish he’d told us. One way or the other.’

—

Our booth must have been clearly visible to the Mother as she pulled up by the curb on our side of the diner. But she dimmed the lights and remained in the car, perhaps wishing to give privacy, even though she could see Mr Vance had gone.

But when we came out and entered the car, and started to move through the night, I saw she was anxious about Josie being left alone in the Friend’s Apartment – and keen to deliver me there as quickly as possible before she drove Rick and Miss Helen to their reasonable hotel. The Mother had asked, ‘How did it go?’ when we’d first got in, but after Miss Helen had replied, ‘Not so good, we’ll have to see,’ there was little conversation in the car, each person becoming lost in their thoughts.

At night the Friend’s Apartment was even harder to distinguish from its neighbors. The Mother led me up the correct steps, and from the top step I glanced back to the waiting car under the streetlight. I could then see the shapes of Miss Helen and Rick inside it, and wondered what they might be saying to each other now they were alone.

The Friend’s Apartment was just as we’d left it when setting off for Mr Capaldi’s, except of course it was now in darkness. From the entrance hall, I could see the Main Lounge, and the night patterns falling over the sofa on which Josie had waited for the Father’s arrival. Her paperback was still on the rug where she’d let it fall, one corner palely illuminated.

The Mother indicated down the hall, saying softly: ‘She should be fast asleep, so go in quietly. Anything concerns you, call me. I’ll be twenty minutes.’

She was about to go out again, and I didn’t wish to delay Rick and Miss Helen’s return to the reasonable hotel, but I said quietly:

‘It’s possible now we can hope.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘In the morning when the Sun returns. It’s possible for us to hope.’

‘Okay. I guess that’s helpful, the way you’re always optimistic.’ She reached for the door. ‘Don’t turn on any lights. They could disturb her, even inside there.’ Then the Mother became oddly still, standing in the near-dark, her nose almost touching the surface of the door. Without turning, she said: ‘Josie and I had a conversation earlier. It took some strange turns. I guess we were both tired. If she wakes up and says anything peculiar to you, don’t pay it too much attention. Oh, and remember. Leave this chain off or I won’t get back in. Goodnight.’