Кадзуо Исигуро - Klara and the Sun

‘That’s well said.’ Mr Vance nodded and continued looking through Rick’s notebook.

The lonely Diner Manager had come over holding his tray, and he began to place drinks on the table in front of Miss Helen, Mr Vance and Rick. They each thanked him in hushed voices, then he walked away again.

‘You appreciate, Rick,’ Mr Vance said, ‘I’m not trying to give you a hard time here. I’m merely, well, testing you a little, to see what you’re made of.’ Then to Miss Helen he said: ‘And so far, he’s coming out very impressively.’

‘Vance, darling. Would you care for something to go with this coffee? Perhaps one of those donuts I see over there? You were always partial to donuts.’

‘Thank you, Helen, but I’m meeting some people for dinner.’ He glanced at his watch, then back at Rick. ‘Now consider this, Rick. Atlas Brookings believes there are many talented kids out there, just like you, who for reasons economic or otherwise never received the benefits of AGE. The college also believes society is currently making a grave error in not allowing those talents to come to full fruition. Unfortunately most other institutions don’t think this way. Which means we receive vastly more applications from people like yourself than we’re able to accommodate. We can weed out no-hopers, but after that, frankly, it becomes a lottery. Now Rick. You said just now you’re not seeking favoritism. Then let me ask you this. If that is really the case, then why am I sitting here in front of you now ?’

With these words Mr Vance changed the mood so suddenly I almost let a surprised sound escape me. Rick too seemed startled. Only Miss Helen appeared not to be surprised, but as though something she’d feared all along had finally arrived. She smiled and said:

‘I’m going to answer this one for him, Vance. Yes, we are asking you for a favor. We know you have it within your gift. So we’re asking you to help us. I’ll rephrase that. I’m asking you. I’m asking you to help my boy have a fighting chance in this world.’

‘Mum…’

‘No, Ricky darling, that’s right. It’s for me, not you, to ask Vance. And we are asking him to exercise favoritism. Of course we are.’

I’d been wrong in thinking we were Diner Manager’s only customers. I now realized that in the booth three along from mine, there was a lady of forty-two sitting by herself. I hadn’t seen her before because she was pressing herself right against the window, her forehead actually touching the glass, to gaze out into the darkness. I wondered if perhaps Diner Manager had also failed to notice her, and that she had become even more lonely, believing Diner Manager was deliberately ignoring her.

‘You know, Helen,’ Mr Vance said, ‘this is a strange tactic you’re adopting here. Favoritism, like any other form of corruption, works best when it remains unacknowledged. But leaving that to one side.’ Mr Vance leaned forward. ‘When I thought this was Rick asking, that was one thing. He’s an impressive and charming kid. It was going well. But look what you’ve just done. You just told me this is about me doing you – you, Helen – a favor. After all these years. All these years of your not answering my messages. All these minutes and hours and days and months and years of my thinking about you.’

‘Must you say this here? In front of Rick?’ Miss Helen was still smiling gently, but her voice wobbled.

‘Rick’s an intelligent young man. He’s the one who ultimately wins or loses. So why hide things from him? Let him see the whole picture. Let him see what this is about.’

Once again, Rick looked across the aisle to me, and once again I tried to send back encouragement with a smile that was from both me and Josie.

‘But what is this about, Vance?’ Miss Helen asked. ‘Is it really so complicated? I’m simply asking you to help my son. If you’re not willing to do so, then we can part politely and that will be that.’

‘Who said I didn’t wish to help Rick? I can see he’s a talented young man. These drawings show true promise. I’ve every reason to believe he might do well at Atlas Brookings. The problem is that it’s you asking me, Helen.’

‘Then I shouldn’t have spoken. Before I spoke, it was going well. I could see how you took to each other, and Rick spoke to you with genuine respect. But then I intervened, and now there’s a problem.’

‘Damn right there’s a problem, Helen. Twenty-seven years’ worth of a problem. Twenty-seven years you refuse to have any communication with me. I wasn’t harassing your mother during that time, Rick. I don’t want you thinking that. At the start of it, I was, well, let’s say I might have been emotional in tone. But I never harassed her, never threatened, never blamed. Just pleaded. Is that fair, Helen? A fair characterization?’

‘Quite fair. You were persistent, but there was never any unpleasantness. But Vance, does this have to be said in front of Rick?’

‘Okay. I respect that. Maybe I should stop doing the talking. Maybe it’s time you did some talking instead, Helen.’

‘Sir? I don’t know what’s gone on in the past. But if you feel there’s something inappropriate about asking you to…’

‘Just a minute, Rick,’ Mr Vance said. ‘I’m wanting to help you. But I think it’s time we gave your mother a chance to explain herself.’

For several seconds none of them spoke. I looked towards Diner Manager, wondering if he had been listening, but he was staring out into the darkness beyond his windows, with no sign of having heard anything that interested him.

‘I admit,’ Miss Helen said, ‘I behaved badly towards you, Vance. I accept that. But then I behaved badly towards myself, towards everybody. You mustn’t feel singled out. My awfulness was universally distributed.’

‘That may be so. But I wasn’t just everybody. We’d been sharing a life for five years…’

‘Yes. And I do so want to apologize. Sometimes, Vance – and Rick too, I don’t mind saying this in front of you – I often wish I could line up all the people, everyone I’ve treated shabbily, have them all in a long line. Then I’d work my way along it, you know, the way a monarch might. One by one, shake each person’s hand, look each one in the eye and say, I’m so sorry, wasn’t I awful.’

‘Fantastic. So now I have to stand in line. For the honor of receiving her majesty’s apology.’

‘Oh dear, that came out badly. I’m just trying to express how…how I feel. I know it sounds dreadful when you put it like that. But when I look back on things, it’s so overwhelming, and I think, if only there could be some sort of solution like that. If I was a queen, then yes, I could…’

‘Mum, really, I know what you’re trying to say. But maybe this isn’t the best way…’

‘Once you were a kind of queen, Helen. A beautiful queen. And you thought you could do whatever you wished with impunity. I’m kind of sad, but kind of glad too. To see you didn’t get away with it. That it’s caught up with you and you’ve had to pay a price after all.’

‘And what price have I paid, Vance? Do you refer to my being poor? Because I don’t mind that so much, you know.’

‘You may not mind being poor, Helen. But you’ve become fragile. And I think you mind that a whole lot more.’

Miss Helen was silent for several further seconds while Mr Vance kept staring at her with big eyes. Finally she said: ‘Yes. You’re right. Since the days you knew me, I’ve become…fragile. So fragile that I’m liable to break into pieces in a puff of wind. I lost my beauty, not to the years but to this fragility. But Vance, dear Vance. Won’t you forgive me now at least partially? Won’t you help my son? Vance. I’d offer you everything, anything, but there’s nothing I can think to offer you. Nothing at all, other than this pleading. So I’m begging you, Vance, to help him.’