Meg Cabot - Boy Meets Girl

Katydid:

The T.O.D. wants me in her office at ten. I will bet you anything it’s to give me a verbal warning.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

Would you stop? They are not going to fire you. If anybody’s getting fired, it’s the T.O.D. Did you see all the senior staff members standing around outside the dining room this morning, looking (ineffectually) for Mrs. L’s dessert cart? There are going to be some phone calls today, believe me, when word gets up to the VPs that there aren’t going to be any more chocolate cheesecake muffins.

Katydid:

They’ll just find some other outside vendor.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

Yeah, but no one’s muffins can match Mrs. L’s.

Katydid:

True. Jen, I think I have to quit.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

WHAT???????????????

Katydid:

Seriously. I mean, how can I stand by and let them do that to poor Mrs. Lopez? I mean, it isn’t right. She’s a sixty-four-year-old woman.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

A sixty-four-year-old woman who wouldn’t give pie to the head of personnel’s boyfriend, who also happens to be one of the most powerful lawyers in the city, and this company’s chief legal counsel. Kate, you had no choice. Mrs. Lopez brought it on herself. You’d warned her before. It isn’t like she wasn’t aware of the consequences.

Katydid:

Yeah, but maybe I wasn’t stern enough with her. Maybe she didn’t take me seriously. Nobody does, you know. Takes me seriously. I mean, why should they? I’m just like this IDIOT from Kentucky who dated the same guy all through high school and college. Why did I even major in Psych in college? I mean, seriously. I am the worst judge of character of ALL TIME.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

Because you suck at everything else, remember? Besides, weren’t we going to help people?

Katydid:

WHO ARE WE HELPING?

Sleaterkinneyfan:

Come on. You know you’ve helped a lot of people. What about that girl you hired for the Art Department last month? The one who was so happy when she found out she got the job, she cried and sent you flowers?

Katydid:

So I had one good day. But come on, Jen. We’re not exactly Making a Difference. Like we planned. I mean, remember when we were going to open Jen and Kate’s Free Therapy Clinic?

Sleaterkinneyfan:

Yes, but that was before we moved to Manhattan and had to dedicate half of our salaries to rent.

Katydid:

Maybe we should have stayed in Kentucky.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

So we could be spending our weekends eating pork tenderloin at the NASCAR races? No thank you.

Katydid:

I happen to like pork tenderloin. Um . . . Speaking of Kentucky, do you remember if I called Dale last night? I have this dim memory that I did.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

So what if you did? I mean, the goober asked you to, remember? In that stupid note. Seriously, there is something wrong with him. Who leaves NOTES on people’s DOORS in New York City? And what was that slur against

Charmed

?

Charmed

happens to be a very good show.

Katydid:

I know! Witches! Helping people!

Sleaterkinneyfan:

Totally helping people. And killing demons at the same time. In halter tops.

Katydid:

I wasn’t mean to him, was I? When I called him back?

Sleaterkinneyfan:

Oh, would you get over it? Who takes relationships one day at a time? I mean after TEN YEARS, three of which you lived together, for crying out loud.

Katydid:

WHY DID I STAY WITH HIM FOR SO LONG????? I’m such a loser.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

You are not a loser. You know who’s a loser? The T.O.D. Did you see what she has on?

Katydid:

Oh my God, I know. The same thing she was wearing yesterday.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

The T.O.D. got some! Did you see that hickey on her neck? She tried to hide it with concealer, but it is SO OBVIOUS. Why didn’t she go home to change before coming in this morning? That is so . . . gross. It’s like she WANTS us to know. Like she’s rubbing it in.

Katydid:

It’s working. I can’t believe the T.O.D. is having sex and I’m not.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

And you so know who she’s doing it WITH. Mr. No Pie For You himself. Oh my God, wait. . . . Did you see that?

Katydid:

See what?

Sleaterkinneyfan:

When she waved her hand just now, talking to Steph at the reception desk. Is that a DIAMOND ON HER LEFT RING FINGER????

Katydid:

ohmygod

Sleaterkinneyfan:

That is the hugest rock I have ever seen. It’s the size of my belly button!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Katydid:

She’s engaged. I can’t believe it. The T.O.D. is engaged.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

MRS. STUART HERTZOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Katydid:

I can’t believe someone asked the T.O.D. to marry him. I can’t even get a guy to agree to admit he might still be going out with me this summer, let alone FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

*I* can’t believe she hasn’t come over here to throw it up in our faces. I mean, that has to be three carats, at least. Although compared to my paltry .5, anything would look big.

Katydid:

Hey! Craig spent what he could afford. It wasn’t easy, picking out a ring on a computer programmer’s salary. A computer programmer’s

starting

salary.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

Cool it! I wouldn’t trade my .5 for that barnacle creeping all the way up her knuckle for all the money in the world. I’m just saying—hey, who’s that guy in the suit heading for the T.O.D.’s office?

Katydid:

Her wedding planner? Geez, she works fast.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

Is that a SUMMONS he’s holding?

Katydid:

Oh, God, I hope so. I hope it turns out the T.O.D. is being sued for incompetence.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

Um, you don’t think it’s the pre-nup, do you?

Katydid:

Oh my God, Stuart Hertzog would SO make his potential bride sign a pre-nup! What is she doing now, can you see? Is she crying? If she’s crying, it’s definitely the pre-nup.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

I can’t tell if she’s crying or not. She’s still reading it. Okay, he’s leaving the T.O.D’s office. Maybe I can . . . Hey, why is he walking over toward YOU?

Katydid:

Oh, n—

ATTORNEYS AT LAW

444 Madison Avenue, Suite 1505

New York, NY 10022

212-555-7900

Kathleen A. Mackenzie

Personnel Representative, Human Resources

The New York Journal

216 W. 57th Street

New York, NY 10019

Dear Ms. Mackenzie,

Pursuant to Article 29, page 31 of the Collective Bargaining Agreement between the New York Journal and the United Staff Association of NYJ, Local 6884, former employee Ida Lopez has chosen to file a grievance concerning the termination of her employment at the New York Journal .

You are hereby notified of pending arbitration—in which your employer, as well as you personally, are named as defendants for breach of contract—and during which my firm will be representing you. Please notify my assistant as soon as possible of your availability for a pretrial discovery conference.