Meg Cabot - Princess in Training

FTLOUIE: Of COURSE! Same floor, though. I hope I won’t still be able to hear her snore through the walls.

SKINNERBX: Does your dad have bodyguards posted in the actual hallway on that floor? Or are they just in neighboring rooms?

God, he asks the strangest questions sometimes. Boys are so WEIRD.

FTLOUIE: Lars and those guys stay on the floor below.

SKINNERBX: Are there security cameras?

The Moscovitz family is totally security camera paranoid these days.

FTLOUIE: No, there are no security cameras. Well, I mean, the hotel probably has them. Like in Maid in Manhattan. But not the RGG.

RGG is short for Royal Genovian Guard, which is what Lars is a member of.

FTLOUIE: What’s with all the questions, anyway? You planning on sneaking up there to steal the crown jewels? You already have a moon rock. What more do you want? Ha ha.

SKINNERBX: Ha ha. Yeah, no, I was just wondering. So, you’re still coming over Saturday, right?

FTLOUIE: It is the only thing I have to look forward to in my WHOLE LIFE RIGHT NOW.

SKINNERBX: I know. I miss you, too.

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww. I mean, seriously. It may not be very feminist of me, but I love it when he says—or writes—stuff like this. Actually, writing is better because then I have actual proof, you know. That he loves me.

Then I heard a familiar sound.

FTLOUIE: Michael, I have to go. Rocky patrol.

SKINNERBX: Gotcha. Over and out.

You know, I really think Lana is wrong. Not ALL college boys expect their girlfriends to Do It. Because Michael hasn’t said a SINGLE word to me about it.

And once, after he paid for a couple of slices at Ray’s Pizza, he left his wallet on the table and I looked all through it—while he was in the men’s room—because I was curious about what boys keep in their wallets, and here is what I found:

Forty-eight dollars

MetroCard

Hayden Planetarium membership card

School ID

Driver’s license

Forbidden Planet Comic Superstore discount card

NYC Public Library card

But no condom.

Which just goes to show, my boyfriend clearly has other things on his mind than sex.

Such as the future energy crisis. And potential global disasters caused by supervolcanoes.

Which is a lot more than Lilly can say about Boris.

I mean, Tina.

Whoever.

Maybe Michael and I won’t ever even HAVE to have The Talk. Friday, September 11, PE

I hate her so much. Friday, September 11, Geometry

Seriously, where does she get off?

Theorem = statement that is proved by reasoning deductively from already accepted statements.

She only said it to get under my skin.

Right?

Because it can’t be true. It CAN’T be.

Can it? Friday, September 11, English

What was THAT about?????

What? Oh, the pom-pom squeezy thing? What do I want with a stupid squeezy thing shaped like a pom-pom that says VOTE FOR LANA on it? I hate Lana. Do you have any idea what she said to me today in PE? IN FRONT OF LILLY????

What?????

She said college boys whose girlfriends won’t Do It with them dump them for girls who will.

SHE DID NOT.

Oh, yes, she did. Right there in the shower. Right in front of everyone. In front of Lilly. Who’ll tell Michael now.

She won’t! Why would she?

Because he’s her brother.

She won’t. Some things you don’t tell your brother. Believe me, Mia, I have a brother. I know.

Tina. Your brother is three years old.

Okay, but whatever. Lilly won’t tell Michael. Anyway…what did she say when she heard?

She told Lana to cram it up her gym shorts.

See??? I told you.

Still!!!! You know what ELSE she said? Lana, I mean. She said boys HAVE to Do It, because if they don’t, it all backs up in there, and they go crazy.

Wait…what backs up in where?

YOU KNOW. Think Health and Safety. Last year.

EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!! And it doesn’t. Back up, I mean. Or Mr. Wheeton would have said so.

But it would explain why boys whose girlfriends don’t Do It have to dump them and find girls who will. Tina, what if it’s true???? What if Lana knows something we don’t know????

There’s a simple way to find out. Did you talk to Michael about it?

NOT YET!!! I TOLD YOU!!!!

Well, when you see him tomorrow, you’ll talk about it, and you’ll realize—

CAN YOU BELIEVE SHE IS STANDING OUT THERE, GIVING AWAY THESE STUPID THINGS???? She must have spent a FORTUNE on them. And look how cheap they are, you can scrape the VOTE FOR LANA part right off. It’s probably lead-based paint, too. I should give OSHA a call. Anyway, Mia, don’t feel inadequate. I put a call in to your grandmother, and it’s all under control. We’re going to find something for you to give away, too.

LILLY!!! I DON’T WANT TO GIVE ANYTHING AWAY!!! I DON’T EVEN WANT TO BE PRESIDENT!!!

Don’t worry, you won’t be.

YOU KEEP SAYING THAT, LILLY, AND YET EVERY TIME I TURN AROUND YOU’RE DOING SOMETHING ELSE TO HELP ME WIN, LIKE CALLING MY GRANDMOTHER AND GETTING HER TO GIVE AWAY FREE THINGS TO KIDS TO GET THEM TO VOTE FOR ME!!!!

Oooh, could you get Mia’s grandma to give away free tiaras? Because I would totally take one!

We can’t give away tiaras, Tina. It’s not in the budget. I’m looking into tiara-shaped squeezy things like Lana has, though.

WOULD YOU PLEASE LISTEN TO ME, LILLY???? I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!!! THE MADNESS HAS GOT TO STOP!!!!!!!!

Calm down, PIT. Everything’s going to be all right. My brother’s not going to dump you for not Doing It with him. At least, not if he wants to keep his stupid dog alive.

!

Whatever. Lana’s on crack. Don’t worry about it. You know Michael’s not like that.

But he’s in COLLEGE now, Lilly. He’s CHANGING. Every time I talk to him he’s learned some new, heinous thing. And what about…you know. THE BACKUP.

Hello. It’s the Ivy League. No one is having sex there. Believe me. Did you SEE those girls the day we went to help him move in? Um, hello, it’s called shampoo. Try some.

It’s true, Mia. You’re MUCH cuter than all those genius Ivy League girls. Remember Elle’s study group in Legally Blonde?

Can we please focus on what’s important here? Tiara-shaped squeezy things. Yay or nay?

Oh, my God. She’s handing back my paper…and it’s…

…covered in little red marks. Oh, Mia. I’m so sorry. Mia? MIA? Friday, September 11, nurse’s office

I am lying here with a cool cloth over my forehead. Although, it is very hard to write in your journal AND keep a cool cloth on your forehead, I am finding out.

The nurse says to try to keep still and not think so much. Ha! Who does this nurse think she’s dealing with? It’s ME, Mia Thermopolis! It is impossible for me not to think so much. Thinking is all I ever do.

Fortunately, she can’t see me disobeying her orders because she went into her cubicle to fill out some forms. Hopefully, they’re forms to have me committed. I can’t debate Lana on Monday if I’m in a mental institution.

Nurse Lloyd says I’m not crazy, though. She says everybody has their breaking point, and when I walked out into the hallway after receiving another B in English, and saw my grandmother standing there in her tiara and ermine cape, handing out pens that say PROPRIÉTÉ DU PALAIS ROYAL DE GENOVIA to everyone walking by, I reached mine.

Nurse Lloyd says it’s not my fault I went mental, grabbed the box of pens out of Grandmère’s hands, and threw it at the security camera hanging outside the door to Principal Gupta’s office.

The camera’s not even broken. I mean, there are PENS all over the place.

But the camera is just fine.