Ed Lacy - Lead With Your Left

I opened my eyes and moved my head. The shade was down but it was bright outside. Looking made me tired and I kept staring straight ahead at the roses—roses from Rose and as red as her mouth. I was probably all over the papers and Rose had come soon as she read about it.

A nurse came in, a long gawky babe who had to look better when out of the white dress, the horrible stockings and white shoes. Over a standard smile she asked, “How do you feel, Mr. Wintino?”

“Okay.” Her fingers were firm and cool as she took my pulse. “When did the flowers come?”

“Must have come this morning, before I came on. Shall I find out who they're from?”

“Do that and see if there was any message.” The nurse slipped me what was supposed to be a wise smile. “Your wife is waiting. Feel up to seeing her, for a little while?”

“Sure. Got a mirror and comb?”

“Not yet. You mustn't attempt to sit up or move about.”

“Am I going to be stuck in bed long?”

“You ask the doctor about that. I'll send Mrs. Wintino in.

The moment you feel tired, stop talking, tell your wife to leave. Sleep is the best medicine you can get at the moment.”

The nurse left and my eyelids weighed a ton. I don't know, I thought I opened them a second later but it must have been longer. Mary was sitting beside my bed, looked as if she'd been sitting there a long time. She looked pretty bad, blond hair uncombed, eyes red, face strained, a tired stoop to her shoulders. And the roses on the table behind her seemed to frame her head.

I'd never seen her look so bad. I stared at her face, and the red of the roses, and thought how silly it was for us to keep knocking each other out. This was the right time to settle things. I said, “Hello, Babes.”

She must have been daydreaming, she jumped a little. “Dave, Dave, how are you feeling?” She began to cry gently.

“A bit tired. Why the tears? I'm okay. Understand they had to stitch up my guts and I know there's a drain sticking in me someplace.... But in a few days I'll be up and around, out of here.”

“Of course you will. I'll try to get a week off at the office, and well go someplace in the country and rest.”

“You need a rest. Sure, we'll have a whole week to rest and talk about it.”

“Talk about what?”

“Come on, honey, I know you too well, it's all over your face: you can't wait to talk.”

“Dave, all I want is for you to get well.”

“And then we'll talk?”

“Dave, you're in a hospital, just take it easy and—''

“No, honey, let's talk this out now. I feel like it.”

“Dave, you're getting excited, tired. You need sleep and—”

“Babes, I'll be more excited if we don't talk, get things straight. Go ahead, spill it.”

“Really, Dave, I don't know what you mean. You go back to sleep and I'll—”

“Mary, let's get this settled. Go ahead, I'll let you know when I'm tired.”

“What do you want me to say?” Her voice was a whine.

“All the words you've been saving up for me. Let them go, be the best thing for both of us.”

“Well...” She hesitated, her red eyes staring at me. “All right, we'll talk, if you wish.”

“That's what I wish.”

“Dave, you sound so... I don't know.” Her voice became high and thin. “Dave, Dave, listen to me: I can't take this any longer. I can't stand waiting around for my husband to come home, worry myself crazy till the middle of the morning when I'm informed you're in a hospital, nearly dead. That's no way for us to live.... Oh, Dave! this isn't the time or place, I can't talk about it now.”

“Yes, you can, say it.” The roses seemed to be laughing at her.

“Dave...” The tears really rolled. “Well, Dave, you either have to give up being a cop or we're done. Dave, I can't take it. I can't!”

“Don't cry, Mary. You want me to be a glorified goon for Uncle Frank at forty a week?”

“Please, Dave, we don't have to talk about this now? We—”

“Yes, we do have to talk about it! Is working for Uncle Frank what you want?”

“All I want is to have you work normal hours, where there's no chance of you ever being shot or beaten up. Is that unreasonable? I don't care what you do, as long as you're not a cop.”

“I'm going to remain a cop.”

“Why?” she asked loudly, hysterically.

“Because I'm not only the youngest detective on the force, at this moment I'm the best! That's important—I could never be the best stock clerk in the city or the best anything else. And because it's my job. I...” Talking sure took it out of me: I let the words fade on my lips.

Mary sat up very straight and stiff as she said, “Dave, we're... we're... finished.”

“I think so, Babes. Now it's in the open.”

She seemed to fall apart as she put her face in her hands, cried into them. “Is that all you can say? Dave, why must you be so tough, so hard?”

“Honey, honey, I'm not being tough. Don't you see, we've been finished for a long time, but we were both afraid to face it. You want a guy you can steer, somebody you can push together with up the same road. All this striving is important to you but not to me.” My voice got low and I stopped for a moment, felt strength flowing back into me like a tiny tide.

Mary said through her tears, “Don't talk, Dave, it isn't good for you to—”

“It's great for me. Babes, you want this cocktail dueling, the clever hustle. You wouldn't be satisfied if I was working for Uncle Frank. There'd always be another job and then another—up some imaginary ladder. There's no sense in our hurting each other. Mary honey, you're a nice girl and when you get the right man you'll both hit it off. I'm not that man. I'm a cop.”

“Cop! You're happy because you're a big hero again, another citation, maybe a medal this time, and you'll be the youngest second-grade detective now. That's what you enjoy, being a cocky wise guy because you think you're something special, something on a stick! It's all your goddamn vanity!”

“And if I do enjoy my job, if I am cocky, where do you come off always trying to change me? Babes, don't you see, it's no good if we have to change each other?”

She ran a handkerchief over her face. “It's a waste of time talking to you, Dave, you're so stubborn.”

“It's a waste of time because we see things differently.”

She stood up. “Breaking up a marriage isn't pleasant. Dave, I want to give us every chance. Why can't you get a leave from the force and try it my way? I've tried yours and it's made me a nervous wreck.”

“Mary, playing catch-up never works. You're young and pretty, you'll get the right guy.”

“Made up your mind for a long time now, haven't you?”

“No, but I can say it easily now. I want to put in my hours as a cop and not come home to a night of arguing. That's all.”

“Your noble cops! The reporters talked to me, the papers are full of the story. The good cops you spent your free time working on, stopped a bullet for, what were they but a couple of cheap chiselers, shakedown artists!”

My eyes were too heavy to keep open. “I was shot bringing in a murderer, what I'm paid to do. Maybe I was a little screwy, put a halo around a badge. From now on it will just be a job to me, but a job I like.”

The room was very quiet, reminded me of the stillness of the store. I opened my eyes: Mary was gone. I felt nervous, lousy and relieved. I turned my head to the cool side of the pillow. I ought to sleep, be strong enough to chatter and bull when Danny came... and when Rose came. Not that she liked cops much either. But with her it wouldn't matter too...

The lanky nurse returned. I asked, “What's the message?”

Again the S.O.P. smile. “No message with the flowers. A woman brought them—your mother.”