Edeet Ravel - Look for Me

“Not yet. But I have a good feeling. I feel he might nd out for me. I might be seeing Daniel in a few days! What are you making there? It smel s good.”

“Wel , I’m doing my best, with what you have here. I guess I was lucky to find an onion.”

“Mercedes bought that. How’s Graciela?”

“She’s the same. Working hard.”

“I’m jealous of her.”

“Of what?”

“She’s elegant. She has nice clothes. She has your child.”

“You can have al those things.”

“Coby said you’ve had a hard life.”

“Did he say that?”

“Did he say that?”

“Yes. Have you?”

He put a lid on the pot and lowered the heat. “This has to simmer. Let’s wait on the sofa.”

He cleared the sofa and stretched out, and I lay down on top of him. “Did you? Have a hard life?” I asked again.

“I don’t know. These things are relative. We were poor, it was a tough neighborhood. My father was violent. He broke my arm once, and it lowered my pro le. I cried when my pro le came in. I wanted a ninety-seven, but I lost over twenty points because of my arm, because I don’t have total flexibility. That’s why it hurt so much yesterday, when that asshole grabbed it.”

“Why did your father break your arm?”

“I was bad, he was frustrated. I set a shack on re with some of my friends. We were al frustrated, we fed each other’s frustrations and made them worse. But some things were pret y good. My father was okay in his calm moments. My older brother’s a great guy.”

“What did your parents do?”

“My father had a lot of jobs. My mother made pot ery. She could have done a lot more with her life, but she never had the opportunity.”

“It’s sad to think of you living with someone who hurt you.”

“I don’t think of it that way at al . It al made me who I am. I can’t imagine a di erent past, I have no idea who I’d be or whether I’d like that person.”

“Are your parents stil alive?”

“My mother died while I was in the army. My father’s stil around, but he’s in poor health—he’s in a home. He was forty- ve when he married my mother, and she was only twenty. So he’s pret y old now.”

“How did he break your arm?”

“He pushed me down some stairs. I was bad, too. I kicked him, I bit him. I was total y out of control. But he was bigger, and he had a belt.”

“I was so spoiled al my life. My parents were so protective. I was their only child, they real y doted on me.”

“I can’t imagine not having brothers and sisters.”

“Yes, I real y did want a big family. But on the other hand, I liked get ing al the at ention.”

“How come your parents stopped at one?”

“They waited awhile to have me. And they were busy with their careers by then. They real y invested a lot in me—I guess they weren’t too keen on doing that more than once.”

“Invested, how?”

“Just, you know, trying to give me the best of everything. Get ing mad if my teachers weren’t perfect. Being involved in my life. My father started reading the newspaper to me when I was four. That continued right through the years, we were always looking at articles together and talking about them. He and his brother used to go to refugee camps, to do volunteer work, and they took me along. I was lucky, I had a great childhood. At least until my mother died.”

“Was that hard?”

“The rst week was terrible, and I did some pret y crazy stu . I kept thinking there was an invisible star sh clinging to my chest, this cold, self-satis ed, smirking star sh. I took shower after shower trying to get it o . Then I tried ice cubes, and I can’t remember what else. I had to keep my arms against my chest al the time, under my shirt, otherwise the star sh feeling came back. Then I sort of got involved with things again, I got back into life. It was strange …People respond in di erent ways to things. After Daniel left, that’s when her death hurt me, years later. I had a delayed response, I think. What about when your mother died?”

“It was hard, but I was in the army—I didn’t have time to be sad. I felt guilty, mostly. I wished I’d been nicer to her, more supportive. I wished I hadn’t worried her so much.”

“This is going to end, between us,” I said. “It’s going to end as soon as Daniel comes back.”

“Okay.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m not free either.”

“We’l just enjoy the time we have together, and we’l remember it as something short and sweet that we had together, is that al right?

Daniel won’t mind. I was loyal to him for eleven years, he won’t mind if I loved someone for a few days right at the end. I won’t tel him, so as not to hurt him, but I think if he knew he’d forgive me.”

“I think you’re right. I think he won’t mind. I’m sure he wants you to be happy.”

“Thank you. Maybe one day I’l tel him, maybe not, it depends on whether I think it would hurt him or not.”

“You’l feel what’s right. You don’t have to plan it.”

“Graciela hasn’t asked about me?”

“No, but I think she knows.”

“I’m sure she hates me!”

“I told you, she’s much too preoccupied to hate you or me or anyone else.”

“Why is she like that? So closed?”

“I don’t know. I was supposed to study psychology, that’s what I had a scholarship for, and maybe if I’d gone through with it I’d know. But as it is, I don’t know.”

“Maybe something happened when she was young.”

“Almost certainly something happened when she was young.”

“On the other hand, musical genius is often accompanied by eccentricity, maybe it’s physiological.”

“I don’t think so,” he said. “Not in her case. But who knows? I think supper’s almost ready, I’l go take a peek.”

“I don’t think so,” he said. “Not in her case. But who knows? I think supper’s almost ready, I’l go take a peek.”

“It smel s great.”

“I’l be glad if it’s edible. How can you live without cooking?”

We sat down to eat, and Rafi had a glass of Benny’s wine.

In the middle of the meal I pushed my plate away. “I can’t eat this. I can’t eat this. This is al wrong. You shouldn’t be here. I want you to go.”“Can I finish my food first?”

“No. Yes. Oh God, what a horrible day!” I said. “What a horrible day. The two boys on the video, crumpling on the street over and over, the screen was so white, they were nothing, just alive and then dead on the street, nothing, just dark gures on the screen and their mother had to leave the room and their sister was crying in the corner and sucking her nger and pul ing her hair, just pul ing her hair out of sheer stress, the whole place is like a ghost town and there’s no water, shit in some corner, soldiers with faces like stone, we don’t even deserve this stupid country anymore, we don’t deserve it! Then you come here and make dinner, you come here and ruin everything and now I have to lie to Daniel. And Benny saw you leaving and every time I see him he’s going to look at me and he thinks he wants me and I’m never going to see Vronsky again, and last night I thought I heard a mouse in the wal s— can’t you see, can’t you see what a mess you’re making of everything?”

“This rice thing actual y came out bet er than I thought,” Rafi said, helping himself to another serving.

“I had another dream about you,” I said. “It was very strange. It was the end of days, there was hardly anyone left on the planet. Some people were standing around a huge cauldron, stirring it. It was hard to get food, and they were waiting impatiently for the food in the cauldron to be ready, even though I knew there wasn’t much in there, mostly grass and herbs and dandelions. Then you came and you were carrying a dead rabbit, covered with ants, and I was horri ed but al the others were so happy, and they threw the rabbit into the cauldron and they crowned you.”