Edeet Ravel - Look for Me

I was a lit le stunned by this speech, though I tried not to show it. My dreams about Benny crouching by the side of my bed had not been an invention after al ; he had real y been there. I couldn’t help being moved. “I like you, Benny, but don’t you think this is just about Miriam? Maybe you’re just trying to get away from her.”

“If you said yes, I swear to you I’d never let her into this building again, ever. It would be completely over, completely. I hate her anyhow, it wouldn’t be any ef ort. If that’s what’s bothering you, don’t even think about it.”

“Benny, I can’t marry you for a mil ion reasons.”

He looked very downcast when I said that.

“It’s nothing to do with you personal y. I love my husband, and I know I’m going to see him one day. In fact I’m get ing closer to nding out where he is, I’ve never been this close.”

“You can’t waste your life like this, Dana. You’re going to be thirty-eight, this is your last chance to have a child. Time doesn’t move backward. You’l be eighty years old one day and you’l look back and you won’t believe you missed the opportunity to have a life with someone, and a family. If we hurry, we could have two children, even. You said you always wanted children.”

“Yes, my husband and I wanted children. We wanted a big family.”

“Wel , here’s your chance. Why not just think about it? I know I can make you very, very happy, if you’l just let me. You can’t imagine how much I love you.”

“Benny, just last week you were tel ing me you were in love with Miriam.”

“No, I said I had a craving for her. It’s pure lust, that’s al it is. And it would disappear altogether if it had another outlet.”

I didn’t say anything. We sat in dejected silence like two captured spies waiting for interrogation. I picked at the borekas and Benny poured himself more wine.

“Do you have someone else?” Benny final y asked.

“No.”

“I mean, do you sleep with other people?”

“Not real y. Beatrice comes over now and then, that doesn’t real y count.”

“That woman with the curly red hair?”

“Yes.”

“So, what, I don’t get it—are you a lesbian?”

“No, she’s just a friend. It’s casual.”

“I noticed she was staying here nights, but I thought maybe she just didn’t have a place to stay in the city.”

“She lives near the university. She’s real y busy, but she likes to drop by sometimes.”

“Who else?”

“That’s it, Benny, no one else. Even though, real y, it’s none of your business, you know.”

“What about that doctor guy?”

I shook my head.

“So there’s no one.”

“No. Just my husband.”

“What about that new guy I’ve seen around here?”

“How come everyone watches who comes and goes out of my apartment? What is it with you people?”

“I just happened to run into him as he was leaving, that’s al . And it was late at night, so you can’t blame me for wondering. But I don’t mean to interfere. I was coming back from work, that’s al . Don’t get al excited.”

“He’s just someone from one of the peace groups. He’s married, he has a daughter.”

He sighed. “Think about it, anyhow. Promise me you’l think about it. I know how sad you are,” he said, surprising me. He’d never said anything like that before. “But life can be great, too. It’s just a question of nding the pearls in the mud, you know. I lost thirty-six friends.

Wel , friends and acquaintances. In ’82, ’83, in Lebanon. Thirty-six.” He shook his head, as though stil incredulous. “My best friend included.

He was shot right next to me. Someone threw a smoke grenade and he lifted his head a few inches to see bet er, and he got shot in the chest.

And then his brother went crazy because of it, so I lost them both, I was close to both of them. You have to learn to get over things. You have to go on; otherwise, what’s the point of life, you might as wel just kil yourself.” He began to tremble. He was trembling from head to foot. I

to go on; otherwise, what’s the point of life, you might as wel just kil yourself.” He began to tremble. He was trembling from head to foot. I knew what that was al about: he was trying to gather the courage to make a pass. I felt bad for him again.

“You’re shaking,” I said.

“Yes, I’m nervous.”

“I can’t have sex with you, Benny. I’m sorry. I’m loyal to my husband. Please don’t ask. You’re very handsome and I’m sure you’re a fabulous lover, but I can’t betray my husband.”

He got up. He was very angry, but he was trying to control himself.

“Wel , I guess there’s nothing more to say.”

“Please don’t be angry. Is this the end of our friendship?”

“No, I’m not giving up that easily,” he said.

Then he left.

When Rafi came over I told him about Benny’s proposal.

“People are picking up that things are changing for you,” Rafi said, looking inside my fridge.

“No, it’s just a coincidence. That’s the way it is, things always happen at once. You come into my life just when I might be close to nding Daniel, so why not add a marriage proposal to the pudding! Poor Benny. Though I don’t think he real y loves me, it’s just an infatuation.”

“Do you have rice?” he asked.

“Yes, in the closet on your left. Are you going to cook?”

“I’l make us a meal. You’re not very wel equipped. What do you live on?”

“It varies …”

“I’l bring some spices tomorrow, if that’s okay. When wil you be home?”

“You can come anytime. I’l give you a key, just take one from the glass bowl. They’re al house keys.”

“Dana! What are you doing with ten copies of your house key?”

“I don’t know. I give them to people, and then they lose them, so I make more copies, then they find them …”

“How many people have your key?”

“Wel , Volvo and his volunteers, Benny, Tanya, her mother, some friends …”

“Why Volvo and the volunteers?”

“Oh, in case they need something … he doesn’t have anything at his place, he refuses to buy stu for himself. He doesn’t even have a stove, maybe you noticed. Rosa does al his cooking here.”

“Aren’t you afraid someone’s going to steal your photography equipment?”

“People who volunteer to look after someone without legs are not going to steal anything.”

“Don’t be so naïve, Dana.”

“I’m not naïve. If you knew the volunteers, you wouldn’t worry. Miss Fitzpatrick is some sort of nun, Alex is Daniel’s oldest friend, and Joshua is about ninety years old. And the idea of Rosa stealing is about as plausible as the idea of Rosa deciding to be a porn star.”

“If you give your key to everyone, eventual y it wil get into the wrong hands—don’t you see that? Aren’t you afraid someone wil come in while you’re sleeping?”

“I have a chain on the door.”

He laughed. “Yes, that chain is real y something. We should recommend it to the army. They should come and take a look, they could learn something.”

“I guess you’re right. I guess I should be more careful. I just don’t care, though. I don’t care.”

“You’d care if you were raped in the middle of the night.”

“I feel safe here.”

“I want you to get a new lock. I’l pay for it. Cal a locksmith tomorrow, get a new lock instal ed, a decent one. And don’t hand out your key to the volunteers. Or to anyone else.”

“Okay.”

“Do you want me to look after it?”

“Yes, please.”

“Have you heard from Coby?”