Jill Smolinski: The Next Thing on My List

‘ Hi, I’ m June Parker,’ I said, surveying the room. I recognized faces from the funeral, although that day now seemed a lifetime ago. ‘ As some of you may know, I was the one who was in the car accident with Marissa. What you may not know is that I discovered that Marissa had written a very special list. On it were twenty things she planned to do by her birthday& today.’ I paused, and there was a murmur from the crowd. This was news to most, I could tell.

‘ In honor of Marissa’ s memory, I set out to complete the list. She already had crossed off two of the tasks herself. One of them was to lose a hundred pounds, a goal she reached and, as I understand, was very proud of. Luckily for me, not all the tasks were so challenging. The other one that Marissa did on her own was to wear a pair of great, sexy shoes& ‘ I smiled, glancing down at my stocking feet. ‘ Which was too bad, because I wouldn’ t have minded doing that one myself.’

That received a few chuckles, and I gazed out into a sea of smiling, open faces. This was not going to be a tough crowd by any means; they were eager to hear how Marissa’ s dreams came true. I only hoped my unsuccessful attempt wouldn’ t disappoint them too much.

‘ I didn’ t have a chance to get to know Marissa,’ I continued. ‘ The Marissa I’ m familiar with is the one who wrote the list, and from it, I know she must have been an amazing person.’

There were several nods to that.

Not sure what to say next, I asked, ‘ I suppose you want to know what was on the list?’

A smattering of applause and a chorus of ‘ Yeah!’ answered me.

‘ Let’ s see& ,’ I said, starting to loosen up. ‘ There was trying boogie boarding. Getting a massage. Going on a blind date. Making a big donation to charity. Taking her mom and grandma’ -I glanced over to where the family sat, and Kitty gave me a wink-’ to see the great Wayne Newton in concert.’ That got an ‘ Awwww& ‘ and some applause, and I scanned my brain for the others. Even though the list had been such a huge part of the last year of my life, I was having a rough time recalling everything.

‘ There were more,’ I said, ‘ but I want to tell you about the most important one& the one that I believe was even bigger to Marissa than losing the weight. She’ d written on her list that she wanted to change someone’ s life. Those of you who were close to Marissa probably realize how that would have been dear to her heart. Everyone tells me what a giving person she was.

‘ So I set out to try to change someone’ s life-which I’ m sure you can agree is no small order. I wanted to do something special, and I thought I had the right thing. I’ d managed to find a way to help a family desperate for a baby to adopt one from a teenage girl who couldn’ t keep her baby herself. Only& ‘ I realized I was getting far more personal than I’ d intended to, and I was having a difficult time choking out the words. ‘ It didn’ t work out. The girl kept the baby, and the couple& well, they’ re still childless.’

I caught the eye of an elderly woman who had that deer-in-the-headlights look of someone who senses a speech is about to veer into a very ugly direction. I figured I’ d better cut to the chase. ‘ And yet changing someone’ s life is still crossed off the list. To explain why, I’ ll have to tell you something I’ m not exactly thrilled to admit. Because the truth is, before I started doing this list, I hadn’ t made much of my own life. In fact, a person who in recent months has become a very close friend-someone who has been there when I needed him and whose opinion I’ ve grown to truly value and respect-said he always felt I was just going through the motions. As much as I hated to hear it, he was right.

‘ Part of the reason I did the list was so I could feel what it was like to have purpose and direction the way Marissa did. I had no idea whether I’ d finish it, and I’ ll have to confess right now that I didn’ t. There’ s one item I still have to do. But that’ s the point I’ m trying to make. On my way over here, I was still trying to finish the list. Even though I hadn’ t completed it on time, I wasn’ t going to give up.’

The last few words came out as a squeak. Tears welled in my eyes. I heard Kitty say, ‘ You’ re doing fine, sweetie.’

My voice quavering, I said, ‘ What I realized is that I didn’ t need to change anyone’ s life. Because Marissa changed mine. She’ s taught me what it means to value life. To try. To put myself out there for something that’ s important to me.

‘ I’ d hoped to come here tonight to tell you about what I’ d done for Marissa& but the best I can do is say how truly grateful I am for all she’ s given me. I’ ll never forget it. And I’ ll never, ever take it for granted.’

With that, I set down the microphone and padded back to my seat with the crowd cheering and whooping. Susan greeted me with one of her bone-crushing hugs, and Sebastian and Kip were both sobbing.

‘ Best fucking speech I ever heard,’ Martucci said, using his thumb to wipe a tear from my face.

Brie said, snuffling, ‘ That’ s it, I’ m going to do me a list.’

A guy bearing bagpipes who said he was in the marching corps with Marissa came to the front of the room, saying he wanted to play her favorite song, ‘ Amazing Grace.’ We listened attentively because, frankly, it’ s hard to have a conversation with bagpipes blaring. After he finished, and not getting any more takers on the microphone, Troy thanked people for coming. ‘ Please stick around,’ he announced. ‘ There’ s still a ton of food. Plus, we’ ll be cutting the cake soon.’

The jukebox kicked on as Norma came up to the table. She was eating a piece of pie. Considering she was a Weight Watchers leader, I admired how she didn’ t feel the need to apologize for it.

‘ Well done on finishing the list,’ she said.

I corrected her. ‘ Almost finishing it.’

‘ Ah. Close enough. I’ m sorry you never came back to the group, but you look good. Thin.’

‘ It was the I’ m-too-depressed-to-eat diet,’ I said.

Brie shook her head. ‘ I wish that would happen to me. I eat when I get upset. And when I get mad. Or stressed. Or if I’ m happy. I eat then, too.’

Norma swallowed a bite of her pie, then said, ‘ I hear you there. And Marissa dying so soon after she lost the weight-it was so sad. The group took it pretty hard. We had a couple meetings that were less about food and more about the process of grieving. Poor Buddy took it the hardest. He-’

I nearly choked on my drink. ‘ Did you say Buddy?’

Sebastian glanced up. ‘ Who said Buddy?’

‘ I did,’ Norma said, clearly startled. ‘ I was telling June how Buddy took Marissa’ s death especially hard. He’ s in my Weight Watchers group, and he and Marissa were quite-’

Sebastian cut her off. ‘ His name isn’ t Buddy Fitch by chance, is it?’

‘ I do believe his last name is Fitch. Why-do you know him?’

I couldn’ t believe it. I’ d been searching everywhere for this guy, and I never thought that he might be one of the Weight Watchers group. I may have even seen him the night I went for my one and only meeting. The last thing I wanted to do was face those people again. But if I had to, I would. I’ d be able to finish the list. ‘ I want to meet him,’ I said. ‘ Does he still go to the meetings?’

‘ Not since he reached his weight goal,’ she said.

‘ Oh no.’ I couldn’ t hide my disappointment. But they probably had records. Of course they did! I’ d be able to-

‘ But if you want to meet him, it’ s no problem. He’ s here.’

Sebastian slapped his hands on the table so hard that it made our drinks jump. ‘ Get outta town. Here?! In the bar?’