Louise Levene - A Vision of Loveliness

Jane could hear the suppressed giggles and the whispered ‘Sidney Poitier’ but fortunately the customer didn’t. Brigitta hadn’t much to go on but she soon set to work persuading Madam that what she wanted was not a nigger brown, batwing-sleeved boat neck but a duck-egg blue, edge-to-edge cardigan. Unfortunately even the largest size didn’t allow edge to meet edge over Madam’s enormous tits. The most ‘generous proportions’ can be made to appear attractive when allied with perfect posture – look at the Queen Mother .

‘This style does run very small, Madam,’ said Mrs Taylor’s voice, apologetically. ‘I’ll just run upstairs to the stockroom and get you the next size.’

Brigitta stopped when she got to Jane and Bennett and immediately snipped the size labels off the 48 in her hand before pulling the cardigan as wide as it could possibly go. Cashmere can be any size you want. After the cardigan had had its nice little ‘schlap’, she folded it, put it in a bag and slipped back downstairs.

‘Oh yes, that’s better. Mind you the sleeve seems a bit short.’

You could hear the faintest sneer in Brigitta’s voice. ‘Short? Oh NO, Madam. Bracelet length.’

Whether or not they made bracelets big enough for those dimpled pink wrists Madam didn’t say, but she looked nice enough in her new cardigan and she knew when she was beaten. She even allowed Brigitta to sell her a bottle of Woolite and a D-Fuzz-It. After that, the shop went quiet for nearly an hour. Jane flicked furtively through a copy of Vogue on the counter. Why go to Yucatan?

There were no prices in the window. Prices were vulgar and, besides, once they’d plucked up the courage to come in and ask, there was always the chance the customer would be too embarrassed to scuttle straight back out again and admit that a twenty-guinea three-piece was more than their husband earned in a week and you could just shame them into buying something.

The door pinged open. Mousey woman in windowpane checks.

‘How much is that cardie in the window?’

Bennett had started humming a tune. Jane raised her voice slightly.

‘The anthracite bolero, Madam? That model is six guineas, Madam. It’s pure cashmere.’

‘Oh.’ Her little fat face fell. ‘Do you have the same thing in Orlon?’

Uh-oh. Bad sign. Mr Philip couldn’t abide man-made fibres. Cheap and machine-washable, they were a threat to his whole way of life. His contempt was infectious. Did they have the same thing in fucking Orlon? No, Madam. Or Ban-Lon. Or Acrilon. Or Courtilon. Or Nylon. Or Brilon. Or Draylon. Or Vilene. Or Terylene. Or bloody polythene. Orlon cardies . Peasants.

‘Or what, madam?’

As she scuttled out by the far door the other one dinged open and suddenly there were two men in the shop. They didn’t seem to know it but they looked nothing like customers. One wore a leather car coat, the other had a big sheepskin draped over his shoulders. Both were wearing silk socks – wide boys always did. The beadles had already spotted them and were now stationed at either end of the arcade, on the lookout for a passing copper.

Bennett was on the attack at once.

‘Good morning, gentlemen . Can I help you?’ She turned to Jane. ‘I shall be busy looking after these gentlemen , Miss James. Perhaps you could tell Mrs Taylor and Miss Williams and Miss Stent and Mr Keating they’re wanted in the showroom?’ She made the last two up.

Jane kept her eyes on the two men and felt for the electric bell on the side of the stairs and pressed it three times. The card-players nipped swiftly up the stairs and took up their positions near the other two doors.

‘You got any intarsias, love?’ They didn’t bother with ‘good mornings’ either.

‘Yes, sir. We have some beautiful designs at the moment. What size was sir looking for?’

He looked nonplussed and opened his jacket. Bennett kept a completely straight face.

‘About a forty I should say, sir.’ She slid back the glass, pulled a single pullover from the top fixture and spread it on the counter further down while Jane smoothly came in behind her and slid the glass door back in place. Bennett shook the sweater from its folds. It was gorgeous: sooty black cashmere with exotic sprays of fuchsia, camellia and violet flowers scattered across it.

‘Would Sir like to try it on? We have a nice private fitting room downstairs, very discreet,’ said Bennett in a horribly understanding way. The man was a nice shade of camellia himself. His friend was trying not to laugh but keeping an eye on the door.

‘No. I meant that diamond pattern. You know.’

‘Ah! Sir means Argyll, I think. Not this one then?’

She and Jane went into their little dance, Bennett folding and bagging the garments while Jane worked the glass doors. Bennett moved down to the Argylls and her fingers hesitated a moment in front of the pigeonhole.

‘Same sort of colours?’

There wasn’t much left in that range. Jane had had to fill up the whole fixture with the brown and camel colourway.

‘Er. Brown?’

Bennett peered at the toffee-coloured pile in the fixture.

‘Oh dear. That’s the one colour we’re out of, sir. But we are expecting a delivery much later this year. Or early next.’

Jane opened the door and joined Bennett in a sort of pincer movement as they ushed the pair of them out of the shop under the watchful eye of the beadle.

A saleslady’s radar could recognise shoplifters immediately. She also had a sixth sense about messers. You got the same ones coming in again and again. Something about their clothes, about the angle of their feet (were they heading for the door?) told you that it wouldn’t be worth your while getting half the stock out.

Jane had spotted one of them outside looking at the window display. A painfully thin, miserable-looking woman with dyed black hair and a slightly sticky-looking beaver coat. A regular. She spent time but never money and nobody wanted to be prevented from serving a proper customer by getting bogged down with a time-waster. Jane tried to take evasive action but she was too slow off the mark. The other salesladies had begun tidying fixtures the moment she stepped through the door, leaving her to Jane. She always asked if she could take things home ‘on appro’ and always tutted when she couldn’t. She would then disappear into the fitting room and start amusing herself, putting together rather clever ensembles and walking up and down. She probably looked OK in certain lights but the crude strips and spots in the basement took no prisoners. She was even thinner than she looked – Over-zealous slimming leads to scrawniness, salt cellars, flat chests, bad temper and even (if you read your daily newspaper) suicide . Also, Jane soon realised that her trim figure was all spare parts: shoulders, bosom, even hips, were all little bits of wadding attached to her bra and corset. Tailored clothes hid all these bits and pieces but she looked very lumpy in knitwear.

Today Madam wanted to see something in vicuna, an animal so soft and fluffy and delicate that you practically had to kill it to get the silky brown wool off its back. They were running quite low on vicuna. So was Peru. Madam quite liked it but wasn’t sure about the brown. Did they have the same in a Saxe blue? Or a turquoise? Jane imagined Saxe blue and turquoise vicunas scampering across the Andes. No, Madam. Not in that style. Ignorant old bitch.

The only other customers that morning were a matching pair of Americans in his-and-hers camel overcoats, tartan trousers and cashmere scarves. Mrs Taylor, who had no conversation in real life, oozed professional charm. Not a very nice time of year for their trip, was it? London not at its best. Were they here on business? etc. All the while laying plans to sell them the entire shop, fixtures included. It was warm and slightly airless in the basement showroom and the cashmeres were cosy and soft and the pair could suddenly think of nothing nicer than a whole new wardrobe of knitwear plus the mix and match tweeds to go with them. They had already picked out over £200 worth of things when there was dangerous talk of lunch and coming back on Monday. Brigitta wasn’t going to let her commission get away that easily.