Emma McLaughlin - The Nanny Diaries

on screamingensuesanddoesn't stopuntilhe's eatinghis secondchocolatedoughnutandthe

THE NANNY DIARIES

TVisbackon.I yawn,wonderingifthey'd gethim a hookerifhecriedhardenough.

"I believe I've made it clear, Nanny," she says, looking down at the retriever as if she were vermin.

"That I don't like the dog in the living room. Please put it back in the garage." I pick up the puppy.

"HaveyoupackedGrayer's activitybagfortheclub?"

"No,I've beenkeepinghim company."

"Well, heseemsoccupiedforthemoment," shesays.

I nod,pickingupthebagwith myfreehand.

"Also, did you get more wipes?" What, with the private chauffeur you got me? I can't even get myself

to adrugstore, youfuckingfreak.

"Um, did Mr. Xpick themupwhenhewasatthestore?" I askjustasthephonerings.

Mrs. X picks up the receiver. "Hello?" She stares at me while gripping the receiver. "Hello!" She slams

the phone down, shaking the bamboo table. "I don't know if he did. Did you put it on the shopping

list?" Sherestsher handonherhip.

"I never sawyesterday's shoppinglist."

Shesighs. "Honey?"shecalls upstairs. "Didyougetmorewipes?"

Silence.We all stareexpectantlyattheceiling. Finally we hearthesoundof slowfootstepson thestairs.

Hedescendswearinghis tenniswhitesandmakes adirect beelineforthekitchen.

"Didyougetwipes?" sheaskshis back. "Honey?You know?thoselittlecloths I usetocleanGrayer?"

He keeps walking, then stops at the door, turns to me and says, "Tell my wife I got what was on the list," and disappears into the kitchen. I can hear Mrs. X exhale slowly behind me. Won-der-ful. Ladies andgentlemen, fortheremainderof theshowtheroleofFuckedwill beplayedbyNanny.

"What, in the name of Christ, is all this racket?" The senior Mrs. X stands in a Pucci zip-front robe in

thedoorway,flinging abejew!eledhandtowardthetelevision. "Canwe pleaseturnoffthatgodawfulpurpledinosaur?"

"No!" Grayerspewschocolatecrumbs onthecouch.

"I'm sorry,Elizabeth,"Mrs. X says,rubbinghertemples. "Wouldyoulikesomecoffee?"

"Black,likeink."Neitherwoman moves,indicatingthattheonusisonmetoproducethisinkycoffee.

"Elizabeth,whydon't yougositontheporchandNanny'11bringyourcoffeeoutthere?"

"Doyouwantmetocatchpneumonia?"

"Howaboutthekitchen,then?" Mrs. X asks,buttoninghercardigan.

"I don't supposemylazysonhasgonetogetthepaperyet?"

"No,butyesterday's isstill onthetable."

"Well, now that would have been useful yesterday. Honestly, I don't know why you insist on spending

your vacation here in this ... hut when you could have come and stayed with me on the Capeand Sylvia

wouldbeservingus all eggsrightnow."

"Nextyear,Elizabeth,I promise."

After returning the dog to her crate on the kitchen floor, I'm scoopinggrounds into the filter when Mrs.

Xcomes in. Mr. Xabruptlystandsupfromwherehe's beenstudyingTheEconomist atthekitchentable andgoesoutthebackdoor. She takes another long exhale, biting the side of her mouth. She opens the fridge, grabs a yogurt, holds

it for a second and puts it back. She brings out a loaf of bread, flips it around to look at the nutrition information and returns it to the shelf. She closes the door and pulls down the box of Soy Flakes from ontopofthefridge,giving it aonce-over.

"Dowehaveanygrapefruit?" sheasks.

"I don't think Mr. X gotany."

"Nevermind, I'll eatattheclub,"shesays, puttingbackthebox.

THE NANNY DIARIES

She walksslowly over to me,tracingher fingersalongthe counter. "Oh, a boy calledhere for you a few

days ago.Itwas a terribleconnection,though..."

"Really? I'm sorry?

"He's notthekidwholives oneleven, ishe?" sheasks.

"Actually, um, yeah." I get a coffee cup out of the cupboard, silently willing her to drop the conversation. "I recognized the name, but it tpok me a few hours to realize from where. I was wondering how you

knew him. Did you meet in the building? Was Grayer with you?" The lurid image hangs between us of me not only having sex on her bed, but enabling said sex by letting Grayer take a nap. Hard to say whichshe'd findmore alarming.

"Yeah ... It's funny..."

"Well, he must be quite a catch for you." She walks toward the windows and looks out at Mr. X

standing in the yard with his back to the house as the fog lifts. "His mother was telling me that his last

girlfriend. he was so beautiful. Every time I saw her in the elevator I'd tell her she should go in for

modeling. And always so pulled together." She turns to eye my pajamas. "Anyway, she just went to

Europe on a Fulbright. I don't suppose you'd ever consider applying for a program like that? Though I

doubtNYUstudentsareeligibleforawards ofthatcaliber."

"Well... I wanted to work after graduation ... that is, I'm not really interested in international fieldwork

so? But she's already walked out. I lean against the avocado-green linoleum counter, my jaw gaping.

Thecoffeemachineclicks off.

"DearMrs. X,yousuck,"I mutterasI pour.

"Pardon?"I whiparound. Mr. Xstandsbehindme,stuffing adoughnutinhis mouth.

"Nothing.Um, canI helpyou?"

"Mymothersaidyouwere makingcoffee."

I pulldownanotherchippedcup,still having aminorFulbrightattack. "Doesyourmothertakemilkand

sugar?"

"Nope,black,black,black."

"ShouldI nothaveused a filter?" Helaughsandfor a secondhelooksjustlikeGrayer.

"Nanny!Where's thatcoffee?" I hustlebacktotheliving room,trying nottospill.

"So I said to him, if he thinks he's going to screw me he's got another think coming!" Mrs. X has a

painedexpressionasElizabethregalesher with thetrialsof gettingher poolproperlyserviced.

"Nanny, why don't you get him dressed? We're going over to the club. Honey, you and Mommy are

going to spend the whole day together watching Daddy play tennis." Grayer barely looks over from the

TV.

I kneeltodress himinfrontofSesameStreet.

"No, Nanny. I want to wear the Pooh shirt, I hate that one," he says when I hold up the Power Ranger

shirt.

"Poo shirt!That's disgusting!" ElizabethXcries asshestandstogoupstairs.

"It's Winnie-the-Pooh,actually,"I clarifyasshepasses.

I'm tuckingtheoffendingshirtintohis shortswhenMrs. Xcomes infromthekitchen.

Ring.

She pauses briefly to raise the receiver a fewinches and then slams it back down again. "No, that won't do."Shewavesdownatme. "We're goingtotheclub.Getoneof thoseLacosteshirtsI boughthim."

"No!I wanttowearthisone!" Hepreparesforanothergale.

"Grayer, that shirt isn't appropriate," she says definitively. She picks up her handbag to wait for us while I wrestle himintothenewshirtandrebrushhishair.

"Nanny,his shortsare wrinkled.Oh,well, I supposethey'd justget wrinkledontherideover anyway."I wonder if she's considering making him stand in the car, hugging the front seat all the way to the NantucketYachtClub.

THE NANNY DIARIES

"Grayer, stay by the car while Mommy and Nanny get our beach things," Mrs. X calls after him as he runs up onto the golf course abutting the club's parking lot. She sighs, opening the trunk, and begins to loadmeup. Mr. X andElizabethhavealreadytrottedofftothecourtsforhis firstgame.

"Thereyougo."I have astrawbagcontainingeveryone's clothingchangesswinging offmyrightelbow,

a duffel bag full of lotions, sand toys, and sporting goods hanging from the other elbow, and an enormous pile of beach blankets and beach towels in my arms, to which she adds two fully inflated floaties. I liftmychinobedientlysothatshecantucktheorangeplasticsecurelybeneathit.

"Grayer Addison X, I SAID WAIT\" she screams into my face and over my shoulder, sliding her little yellow Kate Spade tote up to her elbow and sauntering forward, hand in hand with Grayer, yellow silk sarong billowing in the cool breeze. I tighten my arms around the pile, trying not to trip as I precariously navigate behind her. She greets the entire club as she passes, remembering each mother and child byname. I followher, thankfulthatthe floaties have positioned myheadat suchan angle that no one can tell if I'm rolling my eyes. Which I am. A lot. We kick off our sandals and walk down the woodenplankstothesand.