Angela Morrison - Sing Me to Sleep

“He’s still good?” I whisper.

She blinks and nods. “Get him to finish that. Then his vest.”

“I can stay. Sleep in tomorrow.”

She gathers her purse and knitting, leaves a stack of books about cystic fibrosis for me. “Make sure he doesn’t skimp his treatments in the morning.” She hugs me and stumbles out.

I steal the table that swings over Derek’s bed for meals, push it over by the window, lower it, and spread out my books. I grab the chair—catch him spying at me through one eye.

“Are you awake?”

“No.”

I drop the chair and very gently, mindful of his IV and how weak he is, attack him.

He kisses me back and breathes, “You’re going to make my monitors go off,” into my ear.

I press my ear to his chest. His heart races back. “Too much excitement?”

He presses the magic buttons and the bed sits us up. “Bring the table back over here.”

“Not until you finish with your vest.”

I bring it over to him, help him get it strapped on. It vibrates him for twenty minutes, and then he huffs gunk into a basin.

Meg sticks her head in the door. “Need any help?” She sees the green tinge to my face and comes in. “I’ll take over. Get some air. Don’t push yourself too fast.”

I walk up and down the hall, berating myself until Meg comes out. “He wants you again. He said something about a sponge bath.”

That makes me smile. I go back in the room, push the table back to his bed, and dutifully study with his head resting on my shoulder. He falls asleep like that—drools on my neck. I don’t dare move, keep studying until late.

He wakes up when I try to lower the bed. He takes the controls and makes the head go down and the foot go up. “I think my ankles are swelling.”

“Like a pregnant lady?”

“I’m not a pregnant lady.”

“I noticed.”

“Turn around. I’ll never get back to sleep with you looking at me like that. ”

I kiss him. “Are you sure?”

“My mom’s cot is under the bed. If you don’t stop torturing me, I’ll make you sleep in it.”

“You didn’t offer me the cot Saturday. I thought she slept in the chair.”

“I can’t keep my eyes open. Meg upped my morphine.” He gets these awful headaches.

“I’m supposed to watch you. This isn’t about sex. I thought you knew that.”

He manages a drowsy laugh and lies back, closes his eyes, and he’s out.

I lie on my side, wanting him, and wonder how I can feel like this when he’s so sick.

The next two weeks, I only go to school for tests. Mom manages everything with my teachers. I get way more studying done in Derek’s hospital room than I ever did wasting time in class. Derek’s headaches get worse. He’s on so much morphine now—sleeps and sleeps and sleeps. So I watch him and study. And ace everything except econ.

I try to talk to Scott after that test, but he cuts me cold.

The week before Christmas is peaceful. Mom lets me go up for the whole time. Derek’s mom takes advantage of me being there to get her shopping done and mail stuff. I help her wrap Derek’s presents. I get him black leather riding gloves to match his jacket.

I sleep in his mom’s cot. I can’t lie beside him night after night and not go crazy. I love him more every day and with that love come other feelings I’m not sure I can control. Not next to him all the long, silent night.

The info-desk guy brings up a steady flow of notes, gifts, and cards from people he can’t let up. Amabile—seems like the whole amazing family stops by at one time or another.

Before their Christmas concert, his choir—all those guys in their tuxes—stand in the snow outside his window and sing to the twilight. I open the window a crack to let in the sound. At first they just sing, “Oh,” in rich harmony as old as monks and cathedrals. Then they slowly unwind the gentle hymn. Lo, how a Rose e’re blooming from tender stem hath sprung! Their harmonies build and dissipate, break into a celebration at the solemn birth and salvation. Then close with a single voice in the night. O Savior, King of glory, who dost our weakness know ;

Bring us at length we pray,

To the bright courts of Heaven, and to the endless day!

It’s the only time I ever saw tears on Derek’s eyelashes.

Meg gets me to go caroling around the hospital with a few other nurses. “Last year Derek brought his choir friends and guitar and sang for all the kids.”

I think of him back in his room, lying on his bed with his mom sitting in her chair, knitting a scarf out of bumpy purple yarn.

We sing for old people and sick people and sicker people. I don’t want to leave the kids. One climbs on my lap and sings along, patting the beat on my cheeks with tiny chapped hands.

My mom comes for Christmas. We’re having it in Derek’s hospital room. She brings turkey and stuffing, gravy and potatoes. A big pumpkin pie. He makes Meg dial back on the morphine a little so he’s more alert for an hour or so. In pain but alert. I kiss him good-bye that afternoon and follow Mom home. It’s Christmas. She needs me, too.

Mom lights the fire. It’s gas, but it’s still cozy with all the snow. We eat hot buttered microwave popcorn and watch It’s a Wonderful Life . Mom lives for Jimmy Stewart.

We both cry at the end.

It feels so good.

As we watch the credits and blow our noses, Mom puts her arm around me and draws me under her wing. “How is he—really?”

“Alive.”

“And the transplant?”

“He’s still on the inactive list.”

“No change in his resistance?”

I shake my head.

chapter 31

HOPE?

The week after Christmas is a disaster. The nasty bacteria in Derek’s lungs fight back. For some reason no one can explain, the antibiotic they had him on can’t contain it anymore. His lungs fill up and his temperature spikes. He chokes and coughs continuously. I’ve been there for his therapy so much now that I’m used to him coughing up crap. It’s nothing like this. Blood. A lot. Cups of it.

They almost lose him twice.

I’m not there, either time. His mom is back at his side, full time. I sleep on the couch in the visitor’s lounge down the hall. It scares me to even think of going all the way home.

He’s shrinking—no matter how much they pump into him, his weight drops. A little of him slips away from us every day.

They finally get him on something experimental from a European clinical trial. His mom had to move heaven and earth to get a hold of it. At first there’s no change.

School starts, but I don’t go back.

And then his fever drops. “Beth?” It’s a feeble whisper.

I rush to his bed and take his bony hand. “Hey.”

“I’m doing this for you.”

I kiss him gently and then move aside for his mom.

I go into the bathroom until I can pull myself together. I splash cold water on my face and go sit by his bed.

I hold his hand all night long.

Next morning, Mom picks me up. Derek’s mom called her. I sleep all the way home, fall into my bed, and sleep the rest of the day. I haul my butt over to the school after it’s out to pick up textbooks and talk to my teachers.

“When will you be back?” my counselor wants to know.

“After he—” I pause, clench my teeth. “After his transplant.”

It will happen. It has to happen. Derek’s mom will make it happen. I’m keeping him alive—as painful as it is. I’m keeping him alive.

Mom won’t let me go back to the hospital. His mom phoned in a good report. I collapse on my bed, wake up with a cold, and they won’t let me near him.

Two long weeks.

And they won’t let me near him.