Angela Morrison - Sing Me to Sleep

I’m so not having this conversation.

“Derek reminds me so much of your father.”

I whip my face to the side and glare at her. “How dare you say that.”

“It’s true.”

She’s creeping me out. “Derek is not like him.” I shudder against it. “Derek is perfect.”

“I thought your father was perfect.”

“But you were wrong—I’m not. Go. Away.” I pull a pillow over my head.

“No.” She lifts the pillow off and hangs on like she needs it for support. “Listen, I can see that your relationship is getting more serious. That you might be thinking about—”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Neither do I.”

“It’s not like you’re an expert or anything.”

“I guess I deserve that. We should have had this talk a long time ago.”

“We should have talked about a lot of things.” But we didn’t—I never wanted to upset her. She’s always seemed so fragile to me.

“Linda and I were best friends through junior high and high school. Your father was a couple years older than us. I always had a crush on him. He was so cool—long hair, electric guitar—as irresistible as Derek is in his own way. Lots of girls. He had a reputation for getting what he wanted when he wanted it.”

“And you liked that?”

“I knew he was pretty wild, but that made him all the more appealing. I—as you can imagine—was anything but wild. He didn’t know I existed. I hung out at Linda’s as much as I could just to get a glimpse of him.”

I don’t know what she’s getting at. This is nothing like Derek and me.

“Summer after Linda and I graduated, he was home from college. Bored I guess. Linda and I were in the backyard tanning one day. I went in for a drink of water, and he saw me. I had on a new bikini. ‘Look who’s all grown up.’ I don’t think he even remembered my name. ‘You still have it bad for me? ’”

“He knew about your crush?”

“Linda must have told him. I flushed red, he put out his hand, the next thing I knew we were making out in his bedroom. He had my bikini off before I even knew what was happening.”

“I don’t want to hear this.”

“All I remember about that first time was how much it hurt, how much I bled—”

I so didn’t want to hear that. “It’s like he raped you?” How can she think he’s anything like my Derek?

“No. Took advantage? Yes. But I didn’t try to stop him.”

“You got pregnant from just that one time?” Was her whole marriage a myth?

She looks down at the pillow. “No.”

“You went back?”

“All summer. There’s an emotional side that goes along with the physical side. He said he loved me, and I—”

“Couldn’t get enough of him?”

“I thought you’d understand now. That’s how you feel about Derek, isn’t it?”

I nod. I’m starting to see what she’s getting at. Derek’s not like my father. I’m like her. Now I need the rest of the story. “What happened? After the summer?”

“He went back to college, and I found out I was pregnant. When I called and told him, he gave me the address of an abortion clinic. I couldn’t do that. Not to my baby. Our baby. I still loved him.”

“What did you do?”

“I broke down and told my parents. They told his, and they forced him to marry me.”

“And then I was born, and he hated me.” Enter damn ugly daughter.

“He didn’t love you. He didn’t love me. He was totally consumed with himself.”

“Derek’s not like that.”

“Are you sure? I’m not sure I like what’s going on with you and him.”

She sees way more than I give her credit for. I don’t want to go down that path with her. I keep her on the defensive. “How old was I when my father ran out on us?”

She fluffs the pillow, turns and smoothes it gently into place on my bed. “He didn’t run out on us.” She brushes my hair off my forehead and swallows hard. “We left him.”

“What?” I can’t have heard her right. “I always thought—”

“You were such a beautiful baby. So sweet. So gentle. A little angel in my arms. I couldn’t raise you in that atmosphere. I tried—overlooked a lot. I loved him. I finally realized we only had one option. I moved back home, went to college after all, and—”

“Here we are.” The upside-down part of me is in motion. This sudden change makes me kind of dizzy.

She nods her head.

I study her face, finally see who she is. “I love you, Mom.” I hug her. “Thanks for making me listen.” Tears seep out of my eyes. I always thought she was weak, but she’s strong—stronger than I dreamed of.

I need to rewrite an old song I made up about them. Make it true. Now get away.

Magic-carpet ride from this hell.

Fly through the night,

Build a place where together we’ ll grow.

Just get away.

Your beautiful daughter keep her far,

Far from his sight.

He’s not the man we wanted

To love.

Get away.

chapter 26

STUDY NOTES

The next couple months are crazy. We start recording the CD. It takes forever. Every time Derek invites me to a performance, I’ve got another recording session. We only manage to get together again once. We keep connected online, but then he’ll disappear, sometimes for a few days, sometimes more than a week.

I don’t ask anymore. Everything is so fragile right now. I don’t want to make him angry. I can’t risk losing him. I’ve decided I don’t want to know. I’ll close my eyes and savor what he gives me. It’s not enough. Maybe someday we can figure out how to get more of each other. As the weeks pass, I grow grateful for every whisper over the phone, every line he writes, every stolen second we get.

I don’t know why it has to be stolen and what I’m stealing him from. The time we got together it was here. He won’t let me go to his house. I still haven’t met his parents.

One night online he surprises me.

Derek: how’d you like to spend a whole weekend with me in Toronto?

Beth: suddenly it’s right?

Derek: I knew you’d take it like that

Beth: this isn’t about sex?

Derek: shut up

Beth: only if you tell me how you’ll know when it’s finally right

Derek: easy . . . my mum says it’s wrong unless you’re married

Beth: you’re a big boy . . . you don’t have to do what Mommy says

Derek: you don’t know my mum

“And why is that?” I ask the screen. I don’t type it, though. Complaining only makes him disappear.

Beth: so you’re asking me to elope to Toronto with you? let me check my calendar

Derek: maybe next time . . . this time I’m asking you to come sing with me again

I get all hot. Singing with him is such a rush—but how can I? I stare at the screen, imagining myself onstage with him again, letting our passion fill our song. I’ve got so much bottled up in me. It needs to get out somehow. But I wrecked that. Derek didn’t give me the full scoop, but I could tell the AYS directors were angry.

Beth: I can’t show my face around Amabile again

Derek: it’s just the guys . . . they all still think you’re the goddess

Beth: me and all those guys?

Derek: you and ME and all those guys . . . Saturday we’ve got a movie premier downtown TO, and Sunday we’re doing a live CBC Radio broadcast

He is so nuts to think I can do that.

Beth: and you want me to muck it up?

Derek: I arranged “Beth’s Song” as a duet with tenor/bass backup . . . I want you to write the words and then come sing it with me

Beth: I can’t write lyrics good enough for that song