Angela Morrison - Sing Me to Sleep

He just gets the one line. I gaze up at him and drop my song to pianissimo — I’m afraid—how can your love be real?

Is it true or am I dreaming still?

The music gets wild. Scott’s in the dream—running after us, but we lose him. Derek drags me to his lair, and we stay hidden forever. No crystal-shattering screams. No chandeliers crashing. Just Derek and me and the song we sing. It’s not a nightmare. It’s the best dream I’ve ever had.

chapter 19

REALITY

Back to school today. It’s raining out. The gray clouds go great with the gray-metal lockers that line the halls. People I sort of know come up to me. A couple of girls from last spring’s AP history class stop and talk to me. They can’t get over how great I look. I got up early and made myself beautiful. I didn’t bother with flattening my hair—not in this rain—but I did my face almost as well as Meadow’s mom does it, wore that slinky top I was going to wear to see Derek, and my styling skinny designer jeans. Why not show the world what I’ve become?

School is definitely going to be better this year. Colby isn’t here. All of his drones are gone, too. Still, I’m jumpy. Derek’s supposed to call. He gets home Friday. Again.

I thought he’d come home before school started, but then he reminded me, just before he lost the signal, that school isn’t starting for him. I jumped into my usual argument about that, and the line went dead. He probably hung up. He doesn’t like that argument. He knows I’m right. When he tries to explain, he always gets stuck at that place he won’t go beyond. I know it. He knows it. It makes me so mad. I don’t want to be an angry girlfriend always attacking him, so I bite my tongue and remember holding and rocking him like a little boy.

I never want it to touch us . I can still hear the pain in his voice. I want something pure, untainted. Be that for me, Beth, please .

And then I feel creepy for wanting to know what’s behind the lies. He wants to be a different person with me. If it is drugs, that’s a good thing. He could be off at a woodsy treatment place to detox. Maybe he’ll tell me Friday. He’ll be clean, cured, and we can be happy hanging out with each other. Every day. All the time. Nonstop. No more of this.

Gosh. I miss him.

Scott didn’t make the waiting any easier.

I got my old summer job at the library back. They even let me help with the kids’ program this year. The kids aren’t afraid of me anymore. They like me. I ran a toddler story time, and they crawled all over me. The moms just stood there, happy to have their kids pulling someone else’s hair out for a few minutes. I loved it. Every second.

I hated those moms. How they took what they had for granted. How they had what I could never have.

My mom made me see the genetic counselor. He talked about sterilization options, the pill, and gave me a discreet plastic case full of condoms. He mapped out the genetic odds for me.

I wadded up the paper and threw it in my purse with the condoms. “What if I just took a chance?”

He was aghast that I’d even consider it. “You’re too young to take any chances.”

“But, someday.” I looked down at the gleaming tile floor. “I think I want a baby.”

“Adoption is your best option.”

But I want a baby with Derek’s hair and Derek’s eyes. Derek’s voice. Can I adopt that?

On the tail of that pleasant interview, Scott started stopping by the library—every day. Sometimes twice. I thought he’d be weird and hurt. He kind of was at first, but then he was just good old Scott, my friend, but not. I think he grew two more inches before the end of summer. Talk about a late bloomer. He kept asking me out. I almost kissed him again—twice. I came close to giving up and going to the beach with him.

He never brought up Derek. I did—every time I turned him down.

“I have a boyfriend. His name is Derek. Why do you keep doing this?”

He’d move in close, drop his voice all sexy like it was on my front porch and whisper, “I haven’t seen him around. Are you sure he remembers you’re his girlfriend?”

“How do you know he hasn’t been around?”

“I have my sources.”

“You’re stalking me?”

“You wish.”

He’s so annoying. He knows he’s hot now. He knows I think he’s hot now, and he won’t let me forget it. I’ve got to get Mom to quit telling him the pathetic details of my lonesome existence every time she goes grocery shopping.

It’s going to change, Mr.-Scott-nosey-pants-won’t-leave-a-girl-alone. Derek’s coming home. Friday. This week will go fast. School will keep me busy and my mind from wandering to Scott’s muscular, available shoulders and the tender way he stares at me.

Bliss practice starts again Thursday. Today’s Tuesday. It’s almost Friday already.

“Hey.” Scott stops at the locker next to mine and opens it.

“You’ve got to be kidding.”

“The polite reply would be ‘Hello,’ ‘Good morning,’ or even a simple ‘Hey back.’”

“How’d you manage that?” I close my locker and lean against it. Great. Now he’s got stubbly blond beard all over his face, and it’s way sexy.

He pushes his overgrown sun-bleached blond bangs off his forehead. “The Prince Charming lessons are paying off.” He opens his new locker. “The office ladies were putty in my hands. I told them all about you and me—how we hung out in grade school, how we always had each other’s back, how our friendship was flowering into something more.” He grins at me with all his straight, white teeth.

“You little liar.”

“One lady was almost in tears.” He chucks his backpack into the locker.

“He’s coming back this week.”

Scott shrugs. “I’ll believe that when I see it.”

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“When this jerk breaks your heart, I’ll be here. Right next door. All year long.”

I stand up straight. “He’s not like that. He’s so different.”

“I’m different, Beth. I wasn’t lying in the office. You want me as much as I want you. I can tell.” He moves close—into my space. “You’re the liar.” He touches my hair.

“Okay.” I draw back. “I admit it. You’re really appealing—I’d be a stone not to notice.”

“It’s more than that.” He moves in on me again, puts a hand on my waist.

I close my eyes and whisper, “I know.”

“You admit that, too?”

“Of course, but—” I open my eyes.

He puts his warm fingers on my lips. “Leave the buts out—for once just shut up.” He’s so much taller now—can reach my lips with his if he wants to without me stooping. He smells good. Like he did prom night. I want him to kiss me. I’m dying to kiss him back. Right here in the hall with the 8:35 warning bell about to ring.

Derek. Friday. Derek. Friday.

But Scott—

My cell phone rings.

I pull back, away from Scott’s lips.

“Don’t answer it, Bethie.” The way he looks at me—stripped, vulnerable, alone—tells me exactly how much my relationship with Derek hurts him. “Bethie, please.”

I flip open my phone. “It’s just my mom,” I lie.

Scott touches my face. “See you in choir.” He leaves me to my phone call.

I put the cell to my ear. “Are you sure you can’t come home today? I need you.”

“I’m on my way.”

“Don’t tease me.”

“Serious. Mum has an Amabile board meeting she forgot about. I’ll call you when I get there.”

Now I’m mega-jumpy. I keep feeling my cell vibrate, but when I slip it out, it’s not going off. I check the battery life a hundred times. I barely notice Scott in choir.