Mardy Grothe - Neverisms

Never Ask Delilah for a Trim: And Other Good Advice MARTHA BOLTON, title of 1998 book

Bolton’s title is an allusion to the biblical Delilah, a temptress who uses her wiles to discover that the secret of Samson’s strength is his hair, and then betrays him to his enemies.

Never Turn Your Back on a Friend BUDGIE, title of 1973 album

“Never Love Unless You Can”THOMAS CAMPION, title of 1617 poem

Campion is best remembered for Observations on the Art of English Poesie , a 1602 book in which he urged poets to discontinue the “vulgar and unartificial custom of rhyming.” Happily for lovers of verse, his recommendation never took hold. “Never Love Unless You Can” is not a remarkable piece of verse, but it has a spectacular opening couplet: Never love unless you can Bear with all the faults of man.

Never Lie to a Lady LIZ CARLYLE, title of 2007 novel

Carlyle has written sixteen historical romance novels, including a number of New York Times bestsellers. This was the first novel in “The Neville Family Trilogy.” The other two were titled Never Deceive a Duke (2007) and Never Romance a Rake (2008).

Never Learn to Milk a Cow:

A Psychologist Writes to His Teenage Children CARLOS W. DAVIS JR., title of 2009 book

Davis explained the origin of the title in a lovely story that fits into a classic neveristic theme: Never do for others what they can do for themselves. Here are his exact words: When my mother was about to marry my dad, she asked my dad’s mother . . . if she had any advice. My grandmother Ionie explained that after she had learned to milk a cow for her husband, her husband quit milking the cow. She gently leaned over to my mother and whispered: “Never learn to milk a cow.”

Never Cry Werewolf HEATHER DAVIS, title of 2009 novel

If there were an award for “Vampire Novel with the Best Title,” this would be a clear favorite for the way it tweaks the saying never cry wolf, described earlier. Tamara Summer’s debut vampire novel in 2009 was also cleverly titled: Never Bite a Boy on the First Date . Summer, however, borrowed her title from a 2003 episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer , an American TV series that aired from 1997 to 2003.

Never Be Late Again:

7 Cures for the Punctually Challenged DIANA DELONZOR, title of 2003 book

Never Say Hi Jack! in an Airport:

And 101 Other Life-Saving Travel Tips TERRY DENTON, title of 1997 travel book

Never Try to Teach a Pig to Sing:

Still More Urban Folklore from the Paperwork Empire ALAN DUNDES & CARL R. PAGTER, title of 1991 book

In 1996, Donald Walker used the same title for a quotation anthology, subtitled Wit and Wisdom for Leaders. The titles can be traced to a line from Robert A. Heinlein’s 1973 sci-fi classic Time Enough for Love . In 2002, Mark McCormack came out with Never Wrestle with a Pig: and Ninety Other Ideas to Build Your Business and Career. All of the pig admonitions were discussed in the classic neverisms chapter.

Never Eat Alone:

And Other Secrets to Success, One Relationship at a Time KEITH FERRAZZI, title of 2005 book (with Tahl Raz)

Never Say Diet:

How to Live Older and Look Longer COREY FORD, title of 1954 book

Ford’s book was the first to play off the words of the familiar saying never say die. In 1980, Richard Simmons picked up on the idea with his Never-Say-Diet Book. And in 2007, personal fitness trainer Chantel Hobbs—who lost over 200 pounds—titled her book Never Say Diet: Make Five Decisions and Break the Fat Habit for Good.

Never Despair MARTIN GILBERT, title of 1988 biography of Winston Churchill

Gilbert, Churchill’s official biographer, chose this as the title of the eighth and final volume in his exhaustive biography of the legendary English statesman. The title was inspired by Churchill’s last speech to the House of Commons on March 1, 1955. These were his concluding words:

The day may dawn when fair play, love for one’s fellow men,

respect for justice and freedom, will enable tormented generations to

march forth triumphant from the hideous epoch in which we have to dwell.

Meanwhile, never flinch, never weary, never despair.

Never Again:

A History of the Holocaust MARTIN GILBERT, title of 2000 book

When Gilbert chose the title of his book, the phrase never again had been associated for more than fifty years with the Jewish people’s determination to never let such a horror be repeated. Given the reverence with which we now view the saying, it came as a bit of a surprise to discover that Never Again was first used as the title of a 1916 silent film comedy starring a young Oliver Hardy, years before his partnership with Stan Laurel. The phrase has also been used to title dozens of other books, including these:

Never Again: A Program for Survival (1971)RABBI MEIR KAHANE

Never Again? The Threat of the New Anti-Semitism (2003)ABRAHAM FOXMAN

Never Again: Securing America and Restoring Justice (2006)JOHN D. ASHCROFT

Never Make Love in a Suit of Armor MICHAEL GREEN, title of 1983 book

Never Sleep with a Fat Man in July MODINE GUNCH, title of 1993 book

Modine Gunch—often described as part Erma Bombeck, part Lewis Grizzard—is the creation of Liz Scott Monaghan, a New Orleans writer. A “Modine Gunch” column has been appearing monthly in New Orleans magazine for over twenty years. A 1990 Gunch book was also cleverly titled: Never Heave Your Bosom in a Front Hook Bra . Monaghan tells me that she is working on her next Modine book, and it may have her best title yet: Never Clean Your House During Hurricane Season . I don’t think she will mind if I give you a preview of the book’s opening line: “If I had known my house was going to be demolished, I wouldn’t have spent all day cleaning it.”

Never Eat More Than You Can Lift:

And Other Food Quotes and Quips SHARON TYLER HERBST, title of 1997 book,

playing off a famous Miss Piggy line

Never Kiss and Tell TRACIE HOWARD, title of 2004 book

Never Scratch a Tiger with a Short Stick:

And Other Quotes for Leaders GORDON S. JACKSON, title of 2003 book

Never Work Harder Than Your Students:

And Other Principles of Great Teaching ROBYN RENEE JACKSON, title of 2009 book

Never Work for a Jerk PATRICIA KING, title of 1987 book

Never Pay Retail:

How to Save 20 Percent to 80 Percent on Everything You Buy SID KIRCHHEIMER, title of 1996 book

The goal of buying things at less than retail prices is deeply embedded in American culture. In 2010, Daisy Lewellyn wrote a book with a similar title: Never Pay Retail Again: Shop Smart, Spend Less, and Look Your Best Ever .