Mardy Grothe - Neverisms

As the years passed, the notion of stuffing a pet dog became a kind of metaphor for Alda, reminding him that it was a mistake to cling to the past, no matter how much he wanted to, and that he must accept the changes that life presented, no matter how difficult. Alda shared the story—and the life lesson—in his 2005 autobiography, appropriately titled:

Never Have Your Dog Stuffed: And Other Things I’ve Learned

Book titles that begin with the word never have been very popular over the years and, in at least one case, quite influential in changing some longstanding human perceptions. In 1948, the Canadian Wildlife Service assigned Farley Mowat, a well-known Canadian naturalist, the task of investigating the reason behind the declining caribou population in northern Manitoba. At the time, most officials suspected the local wolf population, and this belief was the rationale for a proposed plan to greatly reduce, and possibly even eradicate, wolves from the region. After spending two summers and one winter in the frozen tundra, Mowat made a discovery that would forever change his life. The wolves, instead of devastating the caribou herds with their marauding ways, subsisted primarily on small mammals, especially rodents. In a report of his findings, he concluded: We have doomed the wolf not for what it is but for what we deliberately and mistakenly perceive it to be: the mythological epitome of a savage, ruthless killer—which is, in reality, not more than the reflected image of ourselves. We have made it the scapegoat for our own sins.

More than a decade after his discovery, Mowat chronicled his experiences in a 1963 book that was subtitled The Amazing True Story of Life Among the Arctic Wolves. The book’s title was perfectly suited as well:

Never Cry Wolf

The title was borrowed from a centuries-old saying that has long communicated an important life message: never lie, for if you do, people will not believe you when you are telling the truth. The saying, and the story behind it, is based on Aesop’s famous fable “The Boy Who Cried Wolf.” Shortly after Mowat’s book was published, the Canadian Wildlife Service was overwhelmed with letters from concerned citizens voicing opposition to the slaughtering of wolves. Even though the Wildlife Service denied any plans for such an eradication, and despite the many critics who disputed Mowat’s findings, this single book substantially changed the way people viewed Canis lupus . In a 2001 article in The Canadian Historical Review , historian Karen Jones hailed the book as “an important chapter in the history of Canadian environmentalism.” In 1983, Mowat’s book was adapted into the popular Disney film Never Cry Wolf , with actor Charles Martin Smith giving an unforgettable performance as the Canadian naturalist.

From the very beginning of the film industry in America, movies have also been given neveristic titles, many borrowed from popular catchphrases:

Never Send a Man to Match a Ribbon title of a 1910 silent film

Never Say Die title of 1938 Bob Hope & Martha Raye film

Never Put It in Writing title of 1964 Pat Boone film

Never on Sunday title of 1960 film starring Melina Mercouri

Never Give an Inch title of 1977 film starring Paul Newman,

the first film to be broadcast on HBO

Never Talk to Strangers title of 1995 film starring

Rebecca De Mornay & Antonio Banderas

Song titles beginning with the word never have also been popular over the years, including a Sophie Tucker classic about philandering husbands:

“Never Let the Same Dog Bite You Twice”

This is the title as well as a recurring lyric in one of Tucker’s most famous songs, originally sung in the 1920s and preserved on her Golden Jubilee Album (2005). The song was written by the legendary Sammy Fain, who took a popular American proverb and applied it to cheating men. Here are the most famous lyrics from the song: Never let the same dog bite you twice Don’t let no man two-time you Never pet or play with a dog that bit you once

And a man who will cheat will always repeat

The song contains one other set of intriguing lyrics. And while it is not a neverism, I think you’ll enjoy it: You put a muzzle on a dog Because the law says you should But you can’t put a muzzle on a man Where it’ll do much good

Over the centuries, many thousands of books, songs, and movies have been given titles beginning with the word never . A few can be found elsewhere in the book, but in the rest of this chapter, you’ll be looking exclusively at neveristic titles, and occasionally at the stories behind them.

Never Learn to Type:

A Woman at the United Nations MARGARET ANSTEE, title of 2003 book

When Anstee stepped down from her post as United Nations Under-Secretary General in 1992, she was the highest-ranking woman in UN history. As a teenager, Anstee realized that the possession of typing skills would only increase her chances of being relegated to the steno pool. Of the book’s title, she said: “The title that now adorns this book is a dictum that I invented for myself and have also stuck to throughout my career.”

Never Stand Between a Cowboy and His Spittoon LEO W. BANKS, title of 2001 book

Never Eat Anything That Moves!

Good, Bad, and Very Silly Advice from Kids ROBERT BENDER, title of 2002 book

Bender asked elementary school teachers to submit the most memorable advice their students had for their peers. The contributions ranged from the sobering (“When your parents fight, don’t blame it on yourself”) to the silly (“Don’t lick the beaters when they’re on”). There were also a number of delightful neverisms:

Never try to dress your cat.

Never smell your dad’s feet.

Never imitate an angry teacher.

Never milk a cow without an udder.

Never go swimming at Reptile Land.

Never eat a magnet when you have braces.

Never stand behind a cow when its tail is up.

Never hide your food under the kitchen chair cover.

Never eat chicken at a fancy party. It might be squid.

Never swallow a firefly, or you might get electrocuted.

Never live in one house with one bathroom and three sisters.

“Never Give Up on a Good Thing”GEORGE BENSON, title of 1982 song

“Never Seek to Tell Thy Love”WILLIAM BLAKE, title of 1793 poem

There are several versions of Blake’s poem, the result of his tinkering over the years. The basic notion behind all of them is the same, however. Blake passionately pleads his love to a woman who doesn’t respond. The heartbroken poet then sees the woman fall for a complete stranger. What really stings, though, is that the stranger wins the woman’s heart by doing almost nothing (in Blake’s words, “He took her with a sigh”). As Blake reflects on what has happened, he concludes that a lover should “Never seek to tell thy love.” It’s a completely unwarranted conclusion, of course, and Blake might never have arrived at it if he had a frank friend who, to borrow a modern expression, said, “William, she was just not that into you.” Here are the final two stanzas of the original verse, including that final dramatic line: I told my love, I told my love, I told her all my heart, Trembling, cold, in ghastly fears— Ah! she doth depart. Soon as she was gone from me, A traveller came by, Silently, invisibly: He took her with a sigh.