Butler, Octavia - Mind of My Mind

I kept to myself during those first days. I watched everybody—read everybody, that is. I found that Rachel had spread the word about my abilities and everybody figured I was watching them. They didn’t like it. They thought a lot of shit at me when I was in a room with them. But I almost never read them steadily when I was with them, talking to them. I had to keep my attention on what they were saying. So it took me a while to realize that I was being cursed out on two levels.

I was settling in, though. I was learning not to be afraid of any of them. Not even Karl. They were all older than I was and they were all physically bigger. For a while, I had to keep telling myself I couldn’t afford to let that matter. If I went on letting them scare me, I’d never be able to handle them. After a while, I started to convince myself. Maybe I was influenced by the kind of thoughts I picked up from them when they were off guard. Sometimes, even while they were complaining or arguing or cursing at me, they were aware of being very comfortable within the pattern. Jesse wasn’t getting any of the mental static that had used to prevent him from driving a car, and Jan didn’t have to always be careful what she touched—bothered by the latent mental images she had used to absorb from everything. And, of course, Rachel didn’t need her crowds. And Clay Dana didn’t need as much help from Seth as he had before he came to us. Clay seemed to be getting some benefit from the pattern even though he wasn’t a member of it. And that left Seth with more time for Ada.

Everybody was settling in. But the others didn’t like it. It scared them that they were not only getting used to their leashes but starting to see benefits in them. It scared hell out of them that maybe they were giving in the way ordinary people gave in to them. That they were getting to be happy slaves like Karl’s servants. Their fear made them fight harder than ever against me. I could understand their feelings, but that wasn’t enough. I had to do something about them. I was fed up with hearing about them. I thought for a while, then went to talk to Doro.

I had come to depend on Doro more now than I ever had before. He was the only person in the house that I could talk to without getting blamed, cursed, or threatened. I

had all but moved into his room. So, one night, about two weeks after my transition, I walked into his room, fell across his bed, and said, “Well, I guess this has gone on long enough.”

“What?” he asked. He was at his desk scribbling something that looked like ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics in a notebook.

“Everybody sitting around waiting for something that isn’t going to happen,” I said. “Waiting for the pattern to just disappear.”

“What are you going to do?”

“Get them all together and make them face a few facts. And then, after they stop screaming, get them thinking about what they can do with themselves in spite of the pattern.” I sat up and looked at him. “Hell, they’re all telepaths. They don’t have to be able to go miles from home to get work done. And God knows they need something to do!”

“Work?”

“Right. Jobs, interests, goals.” I had been thinking about it for days now. “They can make their own jobs. It will give them less time to bitch at me. Rachel can have a church if she wants one. The others can look around, find out what they want.”

“If they’re reasonable. They might not be, you know.”

“Yeah.”

“They might not stop screaming, as you put it, until they’ve tried to lynch you.”

“Yeah,” I repeated. I took a deep breath. “Want to sit in and see the blood?”

He smiled. “There might not be any blood if I’m there.”

“Then, by all means, sit in.”

“Oh, I will. But it will only be to let them know I’m acknowledging your authority over them. I’m going to turn them loose, Mary.”

I swallowed. “Already, huh?”

“They’re yours. It’s time you jumped in among them.”

“I guess so.” I really wasn’t surprised. I had seen him working up to this. He couldn’t read my mind, but he watched me as closely as I watched everybody else. He questioned me. I didn’t mind. He let the others complain to him about me, but he didn’t question them about me or make them promises. That, I appreciated. So now it was time for me to be kicked out of the nest.

“You’ll be leaving if this works, won’t you?” I asked.

“For a while. I’ll be back. I have a suggestion that might help you both before and after I leave, though.”

“What?”

“Let Karl in on what you’re going to do before you do it. Let him get over some of his anger with you and see the sense in what you’re saying. Then, if I understand him as well as I think I do, he’ll stand with you if any of the others threaten you.”

“Isn’t that just trading one protector for another? I’m supposed to be able to protect myself.”

“Oh, you can. But, chances are, you’ll have to do it by killing someone. I was trying to help you avoid that.”

I nodded. I knew he was still worried that my killing might be a chain-reaction thing. That if I took one of the actives, then, sooner or later, I’d have to take another. And another. I had a feeling that, when he left, he wouldn’t go any farther than Emma’s house. And from there, he’d keep whatever special senses he had trained on me.

“Is Karl alone now?” he asked.

I checked. “Yes, for a change.” Karl had been screwing around with Jan, of all people. He couldn’t have found a better way to disgust me.

“Then, go to him now. Talk to him.”

I gave Doro a dirty look. It was late, and I was in no mood to hear the things Karl would probably say to me. I just wanted to go to bed. But I got up and went to see Karl.

He was lying on his back interfering with the thoughts of some sleeping local politician. I hesitated for a moment to find out what he was doing. He was just making sure that a company he and Doro controlled got a zone variance it needed to erect a building. He had a job, anyway. I knocked at his door.

He listened silently to what I had to tell him, his face expressionless.

“So we’re here, we belong to you, and that’s that,” he said quietly.

“That wasn’t my point.”

“Yes it was. Along with the fact that we might as well find some way to live our lives this way and make the best of it.”

“All I want us to do is settle down and start acting like human beings again.”

“If that’s still what we are. What do you want from me?”

“Help, if you can give it. If you will.”

“Me, help you?”

“You’re my husband.”

“That wasn’t my idea.”

I opened my mouth, then closed it again. This wasn’t the time to fight with him.

“Doro will back you up,” he said. “He’s all you need.”

“He’s putting me on my own. He’s putting us on our own.”

“Why? What have you done?”

“Nothing, so far. It’s not punishment. He just thinks it’s time we found out whether we can survive without him—as a group.”

“Whether you can survive.”

“No, us, really. Because, if things go bad, I’m not about to let the others get me without taking as many of them as I can with me.” I took a deep breath. “That’s why I want your help. I’d like to get through this without killing anybody.”

He looked a little surprised. “Are you so sure you can kill?”

“Positive.”

“How can you know? You’ve never tried.”

“You don’t want to hear how I know, believe me.”

“Don’t be stupid. If you want my help at all, you’d better tell me everything.”

I looked at him. I made myself just look at him until I could answer quietly. “I know the same way you know how to eat when you’re hungry. I’m that kind of parasite, Karl. I suppose you and the others might as well face it the way I have.”