Janet Evanovich - Notorious Nineteen

“It’s a classic.”

“Besides that.”

“He was after the tiki in the backseat. It’s sort of his.”

“I have good news and bad news,” Ranger said. “What do you want to hear first?”

“The good news.”

“Actually I lied about the good news. It’s all bad. Kinsey got another message. This time it was written on his living room wall. He found it when he came home from the hospital.”

“You didn’t get one?”

“No. I feel neglected.”

“It would be hard to get to your living room,” I said. “Being that it’s in a building more secure than the Pentagon.”

“You managed to get in.”

“You allowed me in.”

Ranger smiled. “I don’t have a lot of fun. I can’t afford to waste an opportunity.”

“You threatened to throw me out the window!”

“I was playing.”

“You weren’t playing when you got in bed next to me.”

“No,” he said. “The play ended.”

We considered that for a moment, and I thought it best to move on.

“Is there more bad news?” I asked him.

“Kinsey and his fiancée are worried the wedding has a bull’s-eye on it.”

“Good thought. I’d be worried too.”

“Glad you understand the problem, because they want to replace one of the bridesmaids with you. They thought it was a good idea to have someone undercover, close to the bride.”

“No. No, no, no. I don’t want to be a bridesmaid. Been there, done that. I’ll have to wear some awful dress, and it won’t fit me. And I’ll have to do that stupid step, stop, step, stop all the way down the church aisle. And there’s the rehearsal dinner.”

“You’ll be on the payroll,” Ranger said.

“You couldn’t pay me enough.”

“Babe, everyone has a price.”

I locked eyes with him. “What about you? Do you get to be a bridesmaid too?”

“I’m the best man.”

I was momentarily speechless. “Were you always the best man?”

“Yes.”

“Holy cats.”

“Can we get serious? Get past the deal with the dress? Kinsey has asked me to help with security for the wedding. As a professional I agree that it would be a smart move to include you in the bridal party. As someone who is very fond of you and has already gotten you poisoned, I’m not entirely excited about the idea. If you feel uncomfortable doing this for reasons that go beyond the dress I’ll understand. Whether or not you take this assignment has to be your choice.”

“If I get poisoned again I want a bonus.”

“Deal. The wedding is next Saturday.” He handed me a card. “The dress will need to be fitted. Here’s the address of the bridal salon. Sooner would be better than later.”

A text message came in on his phone, he turned on his heel, got into his Porsche, and drove off.

I looked at Tiki in the backseat. “Do not say anything .”

I shoved the card into my back pocket and drove to Norma Kruger’s condo complex. The two-story faux Colonial buildings were originally designed as apartment units. The buildings had been converted to condos when mortgage money was easy to get, and now in a more difficult economy I was guessing a lot of the units were being rented out. From what I could tell each unit had two parking spaces assigned by house number. Most of the spaces were empty. This was a complex of young professionals who were working at this time of day. Except for Norma Kruger, who worked the night shift. A red Jaguar convertible occupied Norma’s parking space. I pulled in next to the Jag and cut the engine. I walked to the door and rang the bell.

Norma Kruger answered with a raised eyebrow. Not overjoyed to see me. Suspicious of my intent. Possibly I looked like I was selling religion door-to-door.

“What?” she asked.

“I’d like to talk to you about Geoffrey Cubbin.”

“Are you a cop?”

“Bond enforcement.”

She gave a bark of laughter. “You mean like Dog the Bounty Hunter? Aren’t you supposed to be decked out in leather?”

“We don’t all dress like Dog,” I said.

“How disappointing.”

Norma Kruger was pretty in a hard-as-nails dominatrix kind of way. She had shoulder-length very blond hair, parted in the middle, tortured into waves, tucked behind her ears. She was wearing jeans and a T-shirt, and she obviously didn’t need a bra to keep her boobs in perfect position and looking perky.

“I’m told you were the night nurse on duty when Cubbin disappeared.”

“Is this going somewhere?”

“I’m trying to get a grip on how he got out of the hospital.”

“You and everyone else. All I know is I saw him at two A.M. and he was gone at six A.M.”

“Did you talk to him when you saw him at two?”

“No. He was sleeping. I didn’t wake him.”

“People don’t just disappear into thin air,” I said. “How many people were working on that floor between two and six?”

“Two nurses. Julie Marconni was with me. She was working the other side of the hall.”

“And she didn’t see anything either.”

“Nope.”

“I understand Cubbin was Craig Fish’s patient.”

“Almost everyone is Dr. Fish’s patient. He keeps busy.”

“Is he a good doctor?”

“He hasn’t personally operated on me, but I’m told he’s excellent.”

I gave Norma my card. “If you think of anything that might be helpful I’d appreciate a call.”

“Sure.”

I returned to the Buick and rolled out of the condo complex.

“That was supremely unhelpful,” I said to Tiki. “She told me nothing new. And I didn’t get any special vibes from her on Craig Fish. This is getting discouraging.”

Tiki had no words of wisdom, so I thought I might find inspiration in a bottle of wine. Or even better I could stop at Mexicana Grill on the way home and have a margarita. Free up the old brain cells, right?

Halfway through the margarita I was thinking a second margarita would be great. And I actually was feeling a little amorous, so I called Morelli.

“Hi there, hot stuff,” I said. “I’m in a bar and I want to get you naked.”

“Exactly how many drinks have you had?”

“One. And one more on the way. And I’m going to order nachos, which I’ll share if you let me see your underwear.”

“How could I pass up a deal like that? Where are you?”

“Mexicana Grill.”

Ten minutes later Morelli pulled up next to me and snitched some of my nachos.

“Hey,” I said, “you can’t have any of those until I get a look.”

Morelli grinned at me. “You’re trashed.”

“It’s all Tiki’s fault. He told me to do this.”

“Who’s Tiki?”

“He’s a sacred carving from Hawaii. It’s a long story.”

“And Tiki told you to stop at a bar and get trashed?”

“Yes! He made it sound like a good idea.”

Morelli paid my tab, wrapped an arm around me, and hauled me off my bar stool. “Where’s Tiki now?”

“In my car. He wanted to come into the bar with me but I thought that was too weird.”

Morelli walked me to my car and looked in at Tiki. “This is the guy who suggested the bar?”

“I know he looks innocent enough, but he’s diabolical.”

“He’s a chunk of wood.”

I unlocked the Buick, unbuckled Tiki, and handed him to Morelli. “He’s also my ticket to Brody Logan. Logan wants Tiki back. So instead of trying to chase down Logan, all I have to do is wait for him to come for Tiki.”

“Clever. Did Tiki tell you that?”

“No. I thought of that all by myself.”

Morelli unlocked his SUV. “We’ll pick the Buick up tomorrow morning. Who thought about ripping my clothes off, you or Tiki?”

“It might have been me. And you still haven’t let me look at your underwear.”