Mark Tufo - A Plague Upon Your Family

“You coming back to the party.” BT shouted from the porch.

“Just getting a sandwich.” I told him as I collected my wits, which were nearing their ends, and headed out again.

Again the zombies stopped, they were no more than 25 yards away from the us.

“Aw this shit is getting old Durgan!” I yelled.

“Any chance our boy is pulling an end around?” BT asked.

“What?”

“You know, while we’re all out here going to town out front he sends all of his boys in the back.”

“Oh shit, that would really not work out to our advantage.”

“I’ll check.” Jen yelled, already half way down the hallway.

“She’s fast.” BT noted.

“Who would have thought a lesbian would have that kind of speed?”

“You get into a lot of trouble with that mouth of yours, don’t you.” It wasn’t a question from BT it was a statement.

“Now that you say it, more than you’d figure.”

“Oh I doubt it.” He said.

“They’re about the same distance away back here as they are out there.” Jen shouted from the kitchen.

“Do you think lesbians are more spatially aware than your normal female?” I asked BT. “I mean they have to put their own furniture together and shit. Use a tape measure to hang shelves, that kind of thing.”

“Do you ever think before you start spewing from the mouth?” BT asked me.

“What? It’s an honest question.” I pleaded.

“What are you two children talking about?” Jen asked as she rejoined our small fire team.

“I was just wondering...”

“Nothing.” BT said as he thumped my chest with his forearm.

“I don’t even want to know. If it came from you two it must have to do with farting or something as equally juvenile.”

“Hey don’t lump me in with Talbot.”

They might have continued on for a few more seconds if I hadn’t intervened. “Wait something’s happening.”

Zombies were shifting their positions, turning completely sideways when possible.

“What now?” Jen asked.

“It almost looks like they’re moving to get out of the way.” I answered her.

“Getting out of the way for what?” BT asked. “They can’t have cave trolls can they?”

“Holy shit BT, are you a Lord of the Rings fan?” I asked him.

“Must have seen it ten times.”

“I didn’t figure you for a fantasy movie type.” I told him.

“Yeah that war at Isengard..”

“Oh God no!” Jen wailed.

I turned from her terrified face to the yard beyond. I wished I had shoved a bayonet into my eyes instead of looking out there. BT added his own pool to the up chuck muck.

“I can’t Talbot! I can’t deal with this!” She screamed.

Children from the earliest stages of walking to somewhere around ten years of age began to spill out into the front ranks of the invading horde. Jen’s gun clattered to the deck as she turned around. Placing both hands over her eyes, trying in vain to suppress the image, forever burned in her retinas. They were five feet thick before they stopped coming. Some were in pajamas. Some just in diapers and nothing else. Some completely naked and still others that looked as if they had changed into zombies mid snow ball fight.

So many of them! My heart was crushing in on itself. Breathing was becoming more difficult than it was worth. My instinct was to go out and comfort each and every one of them. Their flat black eyes belied no need for alleviation of their hurts. Never again would any of them need a boo-boo healing kiss on a scraped knee. Never again would they need a kind word after tough loss in pee-wee baseball. Never again would they need an ice cream cone after Susie called them a doo-doo head. I dropped onto my knees from the pressure of the heartache. I just wanted to roll over and watch the stars travel on by in my last moments on earth. Of all things, Durgan saved me.

Not so much him, as his personality, but it was a fine line anyway. And definitely not anything he did on purpose. But the cocksucker took my misery and despair and magically transformed it into rage. Pure unadulterated rage.

“How do you like me now, Talbot?” Came his derisive voice.

“How could you do this!?” Jen shouted to the house. “You’re crazy, do you hear me, you’re crazy.”

Durgan’s laugh echoed all around us. “Those small little teeth are going to feel like puppy’s teeth when they tear into you.”

Jen sobbed even more loudly.

“BT get her in the house.” I said coldly. BT didn’t look much better than Jen sounded.

“What are you going to do Talbot?” He asked as he grabbed at Jen to bring her into the house. He winced as he bent over to grab the discarded weapon.

“I’d like to tell you that I was going to do what I should have done a long time ago and go and kill that bastard. But that’s going to have to wait. No I’m just going to watch your backs while you go in and then we’ll just have to start phase two of our plan, I mean idea, a little earlier than expected, is all.”

“We’ll meet again Durgan!” I shouted out into the night. He responded before I had a chance to close the door.

“There’s no room for me where you’re going Talbot.” And he laughed some more.

Was he that far gone that he didn’t even realize what he’d just said? Are there many people that think going to hell is the epitome of a successful life? I wanted to open the door and get some clarification but that didn’t seem like a great idea. Insanity by definition is not rational and besides there was no sense in refreshing the image of hundreds upon hundreds of hungry zombie children in my head.

BT and Jen were huddled by the fire in the living room. Jen was shivering uncontrollably.

“BT get her down into the basement, I’ll take care of what needs to be done up here.” He nodded at me and scooped her limp but not lifeless body into his arms. She wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face into his broad chest. The added weight was causing him some serious pain in his injured leg but besides a small grimace he never voiced concern one over it. The house was bathed in darkness. The small candles and fire in the living room could only chase so many shadows away. The diffused moonlight that filtered through the storm shutters did more to stimulate this affect than diffuse it.

It was in this setting that I splashed gasoline across every treasured belonging that Carol and her family had ever owned. The propellant washed over and around picture frames, bleeding pictures into first something that resembled something from the twisted mind of Salvador Dali and finally into unendurable blotches of bled color. Like so many other things in this life that were now irretrievable. I had covered the house in nearly five gallons of the volatile fluid, upstairs and down. There was more than triple that amount laid out in various containers located strategically throughout the house. This house was going to burn like the fires of hell. My only concern was the hope that it took some of Eliza’s earth-wandering despots with it.

Jen’s fits of shivering had nearly stilled by the time I got down there, but she had not let go of BT’s neck as he sat in an old chair that had been relegated to the basement before it was to become a permanent fixture at a land fill.

“She going to be alright, when the time comes?” I asked BT.

“I’ll carry her if I have to.” BT said.

Jen didn’t move from her spot. Her words were muffled. Her message was not. “I’ll be fine, when the time comes but for now I’m staying where I’m at.” That didn’t seem to bother BT in the least. He was getting as much out of her as she was from him.

The smell of gasoline had begun to settle into the basement, it did wonders to mask the stench of death. Not sure if this was an angle Glade would want to use – NEW Gas scented plug-ins for all your zombie stench needs. Is grandma’s rotting corpse beginning to embarrass you? Do guests avoid coming to your house because of the decomposing children? Whisk away those horrible odors with our new GAS plug-ins, now available in Diesel and Oil fragrances! – Yeah you’re probably right, not much of a market for that.