Mark Tufo - A Plague Upon Your Family

BT was looking at me too like I had lost my fucken mind. BT’s next words threw me for a loop. “I’m going with you Mike.”

Alex turned back around. “BT, what the fuck are you talking about?”

Now it was my and Alex’ turn to look at BT like he had lost his damn mind.

Paul decided that it was in this maelstrom that he should throw his penny and a half in. “Mike I’ve been meaning to talk to you.”

And then it dawned on me, Paul and Erin’s families were both in North Carolina, right along the path Alex would need to take to get to Florida. I don’t know why I was having such a difficult time digesting this information, was I such a selfish person that I felt that everybody should be wrapped up in the same things I was? Shit I hadn’t spent more than two seconds thinking about what anybody else would want to do. I just ass-umed my mission was theirs.

“I’m going with Mike!” Jen thrust forward, like we were back in gym class and she didn’t want to wait to get picked and possibly placed on a team she didn’t like.

“Wait this isn’t about choosing sides.” I started.

“I’m going with Alex.” April whispered. “I don’t want to be near him anymore,” as she pointed towards Justin, “He gives me the creeps.”

“Stop.” I said without much force. “This isn’t about choosing sides. We’re all individuals, just because we’ve been thrust into this nightmare together doesn’t mean we have to stay that way.”

“Ever seen Friday the 13 th?” Tommy asked enigmatically.

Nobody paid much heed to his words except for me. The meaning was exceptionally strong. It was always the individuals that went off alone to check the circuit breakers in the basements that quickly found themselves suspended above the floor pierced in some ungodly matter in a particularly vulnerable area.

I would not let BT, Paul, Alex or even Ryan deter me from my desired goal. Tracy silently prayed that I would not stray from the predetermined course. Sure she could make my life an even more special living hell if I were to not attempt to rescue her mom, but in the end she would have to go as I did. I don’t know who was kidding whom though. She had had my balls wrapped up in wax paper since the day we got married. On occasion she would bring them out and let me stare longingly at them but as for who wore the pants in the family? Let’s just say, I was President Bush to her Dick Cheney.

The ride into Kansas City was a somber one. It seemed that everyone was lost in their own thoughts of these new developments. Even the outgoing Tommy was silent, his Aunt Marta had made it clear in no uncertain terms that he was going with her. There was no doubt after that conversation who had emerged the victor. Tommy sat up in the cab with Alex and myself to avoid the brow beating being administered by the defeated, so much for losing graciously. But let’s be fair this wasn’t about an MLB game, even if it might be the Red Sox against the Yankees. The stakes were as high as they could get, life or death. Some might argue that there were higher stakes, possibly your eternal soul if you were so inclined, but really? I had a sneaky suspicion we had already failed God’s ultimate test and were already experiencing his wrath.

Tommy hadn’t eaten a pop-tart in nearly an hour. I knew he was upset. I was about to start a conversation with him when he beat me to the punch.

“Hey Mr. T, I don’t think going to get Mrs. T’s mom is such a good idea.”

It felt like ice cubes were being dragged down my spine. Alex looked over to gauge my response, a small surge of hope flared in his eyes.

“Mike just come with us, you know the odds of one old woman surviving.”

The remnants of the chill still dripped down my back. I struck back with a punch I knew would close the door on this conversation. “What if it was Marta asking you to get her mother?” Yeah I knew it was a low blow but if he harangued me for much longer I would have caved. Tommy’s one-liners were more than enough ammunition to realize the folly of what I was attempting.

“Not cool Mike.” Alex finished.

I nodded in ascension. “Sorry.”

“I understand.”

“Hey Uncle Alex do you want to get off at the next exit?” Tommy asked.

The phrase was asked as a question but the intent was not. Alex got off at the next exit. Within a half mile of our exit, my horror mounted to near epic proportions. Tommy was smiling ear to ear as Alex pulled into a used mini-van car lot.

“No!” I cried. “There has got to be something else.”

Alex was nearly full on laughing. “Oh bandero, you have a growing family now, you’re going to need something big enough to accommodate them all.”

“Oh this sucks!” I yelled. My worst nightmare in life was coming to fruition. “You did this shit on purpose.” I said pointing to Tommy. He paid me little heed as he unwrapped a smores pop-tart.

Tracy was first out of the truck at the sounds of my dismay. Her concern quickly melted away to merriment as she looked around at her surroundings. “Ah so the beast has finally been tamed.”

I would have dropped to my knees and cried to the heavens if I thought I could get back up. Within 20 minutes we had two mini-vans loaded with our meager supplies and passengers. Mine was a brilliant teal color with faux wood paneling, the mere sight of which brought the scant contents of my stomach churning. Brendon didn’t seem nearly as distressed as he got behind the wheel of his gray-greenish piece of…minivan. Is there anything more emasculating than driving a mini-van? Maybe riding bitch on a Harley while your wife drives, but that’s really about it. I had thought that BT would have wanted to drive one of the vans, but he mumbled something about having lost his license. I really couldn’t see him being all that concerned about getting a ticket for that infraction, no I got the distinct impression from the way he reacted when I asked him if he wanted to drive, that he didn’t know how to. I could potentially see why, probably wasn’t a car made that would accommodate his frame between the seat and the steering wheel.

Saying our goodbyes had me rethinking my strategy all over again.

“Goodbye Alex.” I said, holding onto a stiff upper lip.

Alex had no such compunction as he openly wept and moved in for a giant hug. This is fully appropriate behavior according to the man-code. I looked it up. “Good luck Mike.” He said as he sniffed his nose, wiped his eyes and quickly climbed up into the cab of the truck.

It was all I could do to get out. “You too.” Before he shut the door.

Erin was next, she was crying more than Alex, but she wasn’t under the constraints of the man-code. “Mike, thank you for everything. Without you and your family we would have never made it.” I wanted to answer with ‘It was nothing.’ But my boys had risked everything to save them and I was unsure still if Justin was coming back. She openly wept as Paul came up to me.

He gave me the ‘secret’ handshake we had developed long ago in our days at college, the classic handshake followed by the forearm grasp and then the finger curl clasp immediately culminating in a hug. “It was a great ride Mike.”

Tears welled up in my eyes. “The best Paul.” And that was it, I never found out what happened to any of them as I watched them depart. I will always hold fast in my heart that they safely made it to their respective destinations and lived out the rest of their days in as much happiness as could be afforded them. Tommy cried as the big rig pulled away. His look was one of regret. I couldn’t tell if it was because he was staying with me or because of what would befall the departing group. I would never ask for an answer. I didn’t want to know, any answer he gave me would be nothing I wanted to hear. We all stayed an extra minute longer, way past when the last remnants of the truck vanished over a small rise. Maybe we expected they would have a change of heart and come with us. It didn’t happen.