Jeff Strand - A Bad Day for Voodoo

“Well, you’re acting kind of evil. Please stop.”

“That’s close enough,” said Adam when Kelley and I were about ten feet away. He gave us a smile that was a combination of Oh yeah, dude, I’m totally evil and I want my mommy.

He lifted the lid off the box.

Inside was something shocking, something horrifying, something that filled my heart with absolute dread, something that.okay, you’ve already guessed that it was another voodoo doll, right? I don’t want to insult your intelligence by trying to stretch out the suspense too much if you’re ahead of the story.

Yeah, it was a voodoo doll. It looked almost exactly like the first one: tan-colored, the texture of a burlap sack, mostly featureless, etc. I gasped. Every sweat gland on my body activated at the same time. My vision blurred a bit. My stomach flopped around. But I did not wet myself.

“You have got to be kidding me,” said Kelley.

“I’ve never been more serious in my life,” said Adam, who did look pretty darn serious.

“So.. .what’s that for?” I asked.

“Don’t you know?”

I shook my head. “If Mr. Click is already dead, why would you need another voodoo doll of him?”

Don’t worry, I’m not that dumb. I was merely trying to throw Adam off balance by saying something idiotic. I’m not sure whether my ruse fooled him or not. Adam lifted the doll out of the box. “Does he look familiar?”

“What are you going to do with it?”

“I’m sorry,” said Kelley. “I’m used to being the one who knows what’s going on, and I have no idea what’s happening here. Who is that doll supposed to be?”

“Me,” I said.

Kelley scowled. “Adam, what on earth is the matter with you? Our teacher is dead, and you’re still going to play these stupid games? Seriously, I feel like I should just punch you right in the face.”

“Please don’t threaten him,” I said in a much higher pitch of voice than I’d intended.

“Do you need a demonstration?” Adam asked.

“No! No! No demonstration!” I requested.

“I mean it,” Kelley told him. “I will kick your scrawny twig butt into the ground. I’ve never been in a fight in my life, but I will destroy you.”

Adam curled his index finger and then flicked the doll in the stomach.

During my sixteen years on this planet, I’ve been fortunate enough to never have been punched in the gut with full force by a heavyweight boxer. But I’m pretty sure it felt exactly like Adam flicking the doll. I let out the loudest “Ooomph!” in human history, doubled over, lost my balance, and fell to the ground.

Kelley crouched down next to me. “Are you guys playing a.?” She trailed off, because she could tell that I wasn’t faking. My face was probably bright red. I’m sure that a fine, classically trained actor could mimic the blow to the stomach and make it convincing, but Kelley knew that I was a lousy actor who had only gotten into one school play, and only because not enough guys tried out.

I coughed and lay on the ground and clutched at my stomach and hoped that Kelley would make good on her promise to destroy Adam. I said a whole bunch of words that probably wouldn’t offend you but which I will leave out of the story anyway.

When I could speak without oodles of profanity again, I said, “So what do you want?”

“I want you to know that I’ve got a voodoo doll of you, and if you go to the police, I’ll jab it with a pin!”

“I was never gonna go to the police!”

“Well, now I know you won’t!”

“You knew it already!”

“Not one hundred percent!”

“What do you mean not one hundred percent? What possible reason could I have ever had to run to the cops?”

“You...you...you...you...you could’ve gone insane.” Adam frowned. “Uh, sort of like me. Sorry.”

I was positively furious. “Things were going just fine,” I said. “I mean, not so much the dead Mr. Click thing, but it would’ve all blown over! We didn’t have to do anything except not panic! And now you’ve put my life and leg in danger to keep me from doing something I was never going to do anyway!”

Adam looked as if he couldn’t decide whether to yell back or apologize again. His lower lip began to tremble.

“You’d better not be about to cry,” I said.

His shoulders began to quiver.

“I’m serious. I don’t want to see that crap,” I said.

His face scrunched up a bit.

“Don’t do it,” I said.

Adam cried.

So, yeah, on top of all of the other stuff he’d done, Adam had to go and create an awkward moment for everybody. Kelley and I just stood there, exchanging uncomfortable glances while we watched him cry. I certainly wasn’t going to give him a comforting hug.

A car drove by, and I immediately thought, “Oh no, they’re going to see Adam crying and realize that we accidentally killed our history teacher with a voodoo doll!” but the thought was fleeting.

“Are you done?” I asked Adam as he wiped his nose off on his sleeve.

“Gimme another ten seconds.”

He cried for another ten seconds, then sniffled and looked at me. I think his expression was supposed to melt my heart, but it did not. “So now what?” he asked.

We both looked at Kelley.

Kelley sighed. “You know, Tyler, I’m putting up with a lot for a relationship that was never going to last past high school.” “I know.”

“Okay. So. Hmm. I guess we could get a safety deposit box or rent a storage unit or something to keep the doll protected. But then you have to spend the rest of your life hoping that the bank won’t get hit by a hurricane. Are you comfortable with that?” “Not really.”

Kelley turned to Adam. “Where did you get the doll?”

“It’s this place called Esmeralda’s House ofJewelry.”

“On Duncan Street,” I told her. “Where all those little shops are.”

“So, what? Half an hour away?”

“About that.”

“Then we take the doll back. If they can give it power, they can take it away.”

“Are you sure?” I asked.

“Two minutes ago, I didn’t believe in voodoo, so no.”

“How did you even get the doll if you were out of money?” I asked Adam. “And how did you get my essence?”

“Save the info dump,” said Kelley, taking out her cell phone. “I’m going to find their number on Google. Adam, is there anything else you can tell us that might help?”

“That I’m really sorry?”

“Ask me how much that helped. Go on, ask me, jackass.”

“I’m sorry. I really am. But, you know, it’s like what Anthony Hopkins said in Psycho: ‘We all go a little crazy sometimes.’”

“That was Anthony Perkins,” I said.

“No, it was Anthony Hop.oh, dammit! I can’t do anything right today!”

“If you cry again, I’ll break your nose.”

“That’s not cool.”

“Shhh.” Kelley tapped the screen a few times and then held her phone to her ear. We all stood there silently for a few moments, and then she disconnected the call. “I got their voice mail. They’re open until seven. If we leave now, we can make it.”

“Awesome!” I felt an incredible sense of relief. They had to be able to take away the doll’s curse, right? Nobody would just hand a deadly doll to an idiot without some way to fix things.

Everything would be okay. I would not have my own rocket- leg experience.

“How about you give me the doll?” I asked Adam.

He nodded and handed it to me. I held the doll carefully, the way you hold a baby that would explode if you dropped it.

“Did you do any other horrible things we should know about?” Kelley asked him.