Jeff Strand - A Bad Day for Voodoo

I yanked the steering wheel to the right. For a split second, I started to think that maybe the little voice that had advised a different course of action had a point, but only for a split second.

The two vehicles collided.

The minivan went off the road and onto the sidewalk. In case you had any moral issues with this, I should remind you that the streets were eerily devoid of people. I wouldn’t have done it if there were any pedestrians. I hope you already knew that.

The taxi went out of control and swerved back into the wrong lane. I slammed on the brakes and heard a loud crash and a honk. As the taxi screeched to a stop, I looked over and saw that the minivan had smashed into the side of a brick building right after taking out a fire hydrant. A huge spray of water jettisoned into the air. I could now cross Smash a minivan into a fire hydrant like in an over-the-top action movie off my bucket list.

Now what? The minivan was stopped.

It would be kind of silly to go through all the trouble of crashing it only to run over there and get shot. I mean, there’s a line between heroic and suicidally reckless. I didn’t want my tombstone to say Here Lies Tyler Churchill. He Should Have Stopped after the Minivan Crashed and Not Run toward It When the Driver Still Had a Gun.

The rear door slowly slid open.

Mildred fell out.

Kelley climbed out and gave me a thumbs-up sign. I assumed this meant that Adam was also not dead and that Glenn was not actively shooting at anybody.

I’d done it! I’d saved them!

And then, suddenly, a new voice: What in the freaking frack were you thinking by running them off the road! You could have killed them! What kind of recklessly irresponsible person are you? Don’t ever do that again!

I vowed that I would not do this ever again. The next time my friend and girlfriend were kidnapped, I would allow the proper authorities to handle the situation, using their training and years of experience.

Apparently what happened is Glenn was not wearing his seat belt. I know what you’re thinking: What? Seriously? With kidnap victims loose in the back of the vehicle and the high probability of a high-speed chase, the fool wasn’t wearing his seat belt? How does that even happen? Well, to be fair, he was wearing the seat belt during the drive from their home to the junkyard, but while they were parked waiting for me to resolve my issues with the taxi driver, he took off his seat belt for comfort.

Then when Zeke ran off, Glenn said, “Ha ha! We’re not going to pick up your friend! Instead we’re driving away so my wife and I can torture you to death!” (I don’t know if that exact phrasing was used, and the “Ha ha!” part seems unlikely, but that was the gist.) Glenn was so excited about this wicked twist of events that he forgot to buckle up for safety.

So, when the minivan struck the building, Glenn struck the steering wheel, giving it a good solid honk right before his sternum broke. When somebody is trying to kill you, believe me, it’s always better for you if his or her sternum breaks.

Mildred was wearing her seat belt. This made it more difficult for Kelley to drag her out of her seat and knock her unconscious as she had her daughter, but Kelley got the seat belt unfastened and managed just fine.

Adam got out of the vehicle as well.

Kelley and Adam were safe. I had the doll back. And the cab wasn’t broken, so we had a means of transportation to get to Esmeralda’s House ofJewelry.

I gave Kelley a hug and then said, “Wait a second. We should grab Mildred’s phone before—”

A gunshot rang out.

“Fudge!” I shouted. (Not really, but you can use context clues to figure it out.) Without saying anything else, the three of us knew that it was best to ditch the retrieve-the-phone plan and resort to the get-into-the-cab-before-the-psycho-with-the- broken-sternum-shoots-us plan.

Another gunshot, and then Kelley cried out and fell to the ground.

CHAPTER 24

Four days later...

“It is a great tragedy,” said the reverend, gesturing to the casket. “Such a great, great tragedy, one that causes intense sadness in all who hear of it. It was too soon for the person in that casket to be taken from us, far too soon, and the lives of all who knew that person are now poorer as a result of that person’s untimely death.”

Everybody at the funeral sniffled sadly.

“Some of you may be angered by the passing of this person. You think it’s a dirty trick. You think, ‘Noooo, they weren’t supposed to die! There were much better choices for who should have died instead!’” The reverend lowered his head. “I agree with you. This is not a satisfying death by any stretch of the imagination, and if an author ever turned this life into a book and killed this person off at this point, I would throw the book against the wall and never read anything else by that author for the rest of my life. Why do authors feel the need to kill off characters we like? It’s as if they’re thinking, ‘Oooh! Oooh! Look at me! I’m so dangerous that I can kill off a character and basically spit in your face for having an emotional investment in them!’”

“Hear, hear!” said a sad person in the front row.

Somebody threw themselves onto the casket and sobbed and screamed, “It’s just not fair!” while pounding on the lid. Everybody kept crying for a long time.

Three months ago...

I stared at Kelley, whose name I thought was Kaylie, from across the hallway. I knew I could spend the rest of my life with her, if she’d let me. She was beautiful, smart.and unattainable. I could never have somebody like her. I was best suited for the kinds of girls who only liked you because you could borrow your mom’s car sometimes.

“Go say something,” Adam urged.

“She’d never talk to me.”

“Of course she will. She may not say anything positive, but she won’t pretend you don’t exist. Go on. What’s the worst that can happen?”

“She could knife me.”

“She’s not going to knife you. Worst-case scenario, she tasers you. Isn’t the risk of being tasered worth the chance to talk to her, even if it makes you pee in front of everybody?”

“No. Nothing is worth public peeing.”

“Fair enough, but let’s be real. She’s not going to whip out a taser. The real worst-case scenario is that it’s a little awkward

and then you move on with your life. Do you know anybody whose social life was destroyed because they talked to a girl who wasn’t interested?”

“Yes. Hector.”

“Hector doesn’t count. He asked a cheerleader to floss him. You’re not going to say anything disturbing, so you’ll be fine. I promise.”

I took a deep breath. Adam was right. The benefits far outweighed the risks.

I walked across the hallway. She closed her locker, saw me, and smiled.

“Hi,” I said. “I’m Tyler.”

One hundred and thirty-seven years later, in a future where humankind has finally learned the dangers of making technology too cool...

“All hail the robots!” shouted Human #9,213,671.

“Hail!” shouted the crowd.

“Who controls our every move with kindness and respect?”

“The robots!”

“Who disintegrates only those who deserve it?”

“The robots!”

“Who will we overthrow?”

“The robots!” shouted Human #3,008,502. He slammed his hand over his mouth as he realized that it was a trick question. An instant later, a giant green laser disintegrated him.

“All hail the robots!”