Lisa Genova - Still Alice

Sometime after midnight, John finally came home. His weight in their bed woke her, but only slightly. She remained still and pretended to stay asleep. He had to be exhausted from being up all night and working all day. They could talk about Lydia in the morning. And she'd apologize for being so sensitive and moody lately. His warm hand on her hip brought her into the curve of his body. With his breath on her neck, she fell into a deep sleep, convinced that she was safe.

OCTOBER 2003

That was a lot to digest," said Alice, opening the door to her office.

"Yah, those enchiladas were huge," said Dan, grinning behind her.

Alice smacked him lightly on the arm with her notepad. They'd just sat through an hour-long lunch seminar. A fourth-year graduate student, Dan had an overall J. Crew appearance--muscular and lean with clean-cut, short blond hair, and a toothy, cocky smile. Physically, he looked nothing like John, but he possessed a confidence and sense of humor that often reminded Alice of John when he was that age.

After several false starts, Dan's thesis research had finally taken off, and he was experiencing an intoxication that Alice fondly recognized and hoped would develop into a sustainable passion. Anyone could be seduced by research when the results poured in. The trick was to love it when the results weren't forthcoming, and the reasons why were elusive.

"When do you leave for Atlanta?" she asked as she rifled through the papers on her desk, looking for the draft of his research paper that she'd edited.

"Next week."

"You can probably have it submitted by then; it's in good shape."

"I can't believe I'm getting married. God, I'm old."

She found it and handed it to him. "Please, you're hardly old. You're at the beginning of it all."

He sat down and flipped through the pages, furrowing his brows at the red scrawls in the margins. The introduction and discussion sections were the areas where Alice, with her deep and ready knowledge, contributed the most to rounding out Dan's work, filling in the holes in his narrative, creating a more contiguous picture of where and how this new piece fit into the historical and current linguistics puzzle as a whole.

"What does this say?" asked Dan, showing her a specific set of red scribbles with his finger.

"Differential effects of narrow versus distributed attention."

"What's the reference for that?" he asked.

"Oh, oh, what is it?" she asked herself, squeezing her eyes shut, waiting for the name of the first author and the year of the work to bubble to the surface. "See, this is what happens when you're old."

"Please, you're hardly old either. Don't worry, I can look it up."

One of the big memory burdens for anyone with a serious career in the sciences was knowing the years of the published studies, the details of the experiments, and who did them. Alice frequently awed her students and postdocs by offhandedly rattling off the seven studies relevant to a certain phenomenon, along with their respective authors and years of publication. Most of the senior faculty in her department had this skill at their fingertips. In fact, there existed an unspoken competition among them to see who possessed the most complete, readily accessible mental catalog of their discipline's library. Alice wore the imaginary blue ribbon more than anyone.

"Nye, MBB, 2000!" she exclaimed.

"It always amazes me that you can do that. Seriously, how do you hold all that information in your head?"

She smiled, accepting his admiration. "You'll see, like I said, you're just at the beginning."

He browsed through the rest of the pages, his eyebrows relaxed. "Okay, I'm psyched, this looks good. Thanks so much. I'll get it back to you tomorrow!"

And he bounded out of her office. That task completed, Alice referred to her to-do list, written on a yellow Post-it note stuck to the hanging cabinet just above her desktop screen.

Cognition class

Lunch seminar

Dan's paper

Eric

Birthday dinner

She placed a satisfying check mark next to "Dan's paper."

Eric? What does that mean?

Eric Wellman was the head of the psychology department at Harvard. Did she intend to tell him something, show him something, ask him something? Did she have a meeting with him? She consulted her calendar. October eleventh, her birthday. Nothing about Eric. Eric. It was too cryptic. She opened her inbox. Nothing from Eric. She hoped it wasn't time-sensitive. Irritated, but confident that she'd recover whatever it was about Eric eventually, she threw the reminder list, her fourth one that day, in the trash and pulled off a new Post-it.

Eric?

Call doctor

Memory disturbances like these were rearing their ugly little heads with a frequency that ruffled her. She'd been putting off calling her primary-care physician because she assumed that these kinds of forgetting episodes would simply resolve with time. She hoped she might learn something reassuring about the natural transience of this phase casually from someone she knew, possibly avoiding a visit to the doctor entirely. This was unlikely ever to happen, however, as all of her friends and Harvard colleagues of menopausal age were men. She admitted it was probably time that she sought some real medical advice.

ALICE AND JOHN WALKED TOGETHER from campus to Epulae in Inman Square. Inside, Alice spotted their older daughter, Anna, already sitting at the copper bar with her husband, Charlie. They both wore impressive blue suits, his accessorized with a solid gold tie and hers with a single strand of pearls. They'd been working for a couple of years at the third biggest corporate law firm in Massachusetts, Anna practicing in the area of intellectual property and Charlie working in litigation.

From the martini glass in her hand and the unchanged B-cup size of her chest, Alice knew that Anna wasn't pregnant. She'd been trying without success or secrecy to conceive for six months now. Like everything with Anna, the harder it was to obtain, the more she wanted it. Alice had advised her to wait, not to be in such a rush to check off this next major milestone in her life's to-do list. Anna was only twenty-seven, she'd just married Charlie last year, and she worked eighty to ninety hours a week. But Anna countered with the point that every professional woman considering children realized eventually: There's never going to be a good time to do this.

Alice worried about how having a family would affect Anna's career. It had been an arduous journey to tenured full professorship for Alice, not because the responsibilities became too daunting or because she didn't produce an outstanding body of work in linguistics along the way, but essentially because she was a woman who had children. The vomiting, anemia, and preeclampsia she'd experienced during the two and a half cumulative years of pregnancy had certainly distracted her and slowed her down. And the demands of the three little human beings born out of those pregnancies were more constant and time-consuming than those of any hard-ass department head or type A student she'd ever come across.

Time and again she'd watched with dread as the most promising careers of her reproductively active female colleagues slowed to a crawl or simply jumped the track entirely. Watching John, her male counterpart and intellectual equal, accelerate past her had been tough. She often wondered whether his career would have survived three episiotomies, breast-feeding, potty training, mind-numbingly endless days of singing "The wheels on the bus go round and round," and even more nights of getting only two to three hours of uninterrupted sleep. She seriously doubted it.

As they all exchanged hugs, kisses, pleasantries, and birthday greetings, a woman with severely bleached hair and dressed entirely in black approached them at the bar.