Lisa Genova - Still Alice

She typed:

Alice, answer the following questions:

1. What month is it?

2. Where do you live?

3. Where is your office?

4. When is Anna's birthday?

5. How many children do you have?

If you have trouble answering any of these, go to the file named "Butterfly" on your computer and follow the instructions there immediately. She set the alarm to vibrate and to appear as a recurring reminder every morning on her appointment calendar at 8:00, no end date. She realized that there were a lot of potential problems with this design, that it was by no means foolproof. She just hoped she opened "Butterfly" before she became that fool.

SHE PRACTICALLY RAN TO CLASS, worried that she was most certainly late, but nothing had started without her when she got there. She took an aisle seat, four rows back, left of center. A few students trickled in through the doors at the back of the room, but for the most part, the class was there, ready. She looked at her watch. 10:05. The clock on the wall agreed. This was most unusual. She kept herself busy. She looked over the syllabus and skimmed her notes from last class. She made a to-do list for the rest of the day:

Lab

Seminar

Run

Study for final

Time, 10:10. She tapped her pen to the tune of "My Sharona."

The students stirred, becoming restless. They checked notebooks and the clock on the wall, they flipped through textbooks and shut them, they booted up laptops and clicked and typed. They finished their coffees. They crinkled wrappers belonging to candy bars and chips and various other snacks and ate them. They chewed pen caps and fingernails. They twisted their torsos to search the back of the room, they leaned to consult friends in other rows, they raised eyebrows and shrugged shoulders. They whispered and giggled.

"Maybe it's a guest lecturer," said a girl who sat a couple of rows behind Alice.

Alice unfolded her motivation and emotion syllabus again. Tuesday, May 4: Stress, Helplessness and Control (chapters 12 and 14). Nothing about a guest lecturer. The energy in the room converted from expectant to awkward dissonance. They were like corn kernels on a hot stove. Once that first one popped, the rest would follow, but no one knew which one would be first or when. The formal rule at Harvard stated that students were required to wait twenty minutes for a tardy professor before the class was officially canceled. Unafraid of going first, Alice closed her notebook, capped her pen, and slid everything into her book bag. 10:21. Long enough.

As she turned to leave, she looked at the four girls who sat behind her. They all looked up at her and smiled, probably grateful to her for releasing the pressure and setting them free. She held up her wrist, displaying the time as her irrefutable data.

"I don't know about you guys, but I have better things to do."

She walked up the stairs, exited the auditorium through the back doors, and never looked back.

SHE SAT IN HER OFFICE and watched the shiny rush-hour traffic creep along Memorial Drive. Her hip vibrated. It was 8:00 a.m. She removed her BlackBerry from her baby blue bag.

Alice, answer the following questions:

1. What month is it?

2. Where do you live?

3. Where is your office?

4. When is Anna's birthday?

5. How many children do you have?

If you have trouble answering any of these, go to the file named "Butterfly" on your computer and follow the instructions there immediately. May

34 Poplar Street, Cambridge, MA 02138

William James Hall, room 1002

September 14, 1976

Three

JUNE 2004

An unmistakably elderly woman with hot pink nails and lips tickled a little girl, about five years old, presumably the woman's granddaughter. Both looked to be having a grand old time. The advertisement read: "THE #1 TUMMY TICKLER takes the #1 prescribed Alzheimer's drug." Alice had been flipping through Boston magazine but was unable to move past this page. A hatred of that woman and the ad filled her like a hot liquid. She studied the picture and the words, waiting for her thoughts to catch up to what her gut understood, but before she could figure out why she felt so personally antagonized, Dr. Moyer opened the door to the examining room.

"So Alice, I see you're having some difficulty sleeping. Tell me what's going on."

"It's taking me well over an hour to get to sleep, and then I usually wake up a couple of hours after that and go through the whole thing all over again."

"Are you experiencing any hot flashes or physical discomfort at bedtime?"

"No."

"What medications are you taking?"

"Aricept, Namenda, Lipitor, vitamins C and E, and aspirin."

"Well, unfortunately, insomnia can be a side effect of the Aricept."

"Right, but I'm not going off Aricept."

"Tell me what you do when you can't get to sleep."

"Mostly I lie there and worry. I know this is going to get a lot worse, but I don't know when, and I worry that I might go to sleep and wake up the next morning and not know where I am or who I am or what I do. I know it's irrational, but I have this idea that the Alzheimer's can only kill off my brain cells when I'm asleep, and that as long as I'm awake and sort of on watch, I'll stay the same.

"I know all this anxiety keeps me up, but I can't seem to help it. As soon as I can't fall asleep, I worry, and then I can't sleep because I'm worried. It's exhausting just telling you about it."

Only some of what she'd just said was true. She did worry. But she'd been sleeping like a baby.

"Are you overcome with this kind of anxiety at any other time of the day?" asked Dr. Moyer.

"No."

"I could prescribe you an SSRI."

"I don't want to go on an antidepressant. I'm not depressed."

The truth was, she might be a little depressed. She'd been diagnosed with a fatal, incurable illness. So had her daughter. She'd almost entirely stopped traveling, her once dynamic lectures had become unbearably boring, and even on the rare occasion when he was home with her, John seemed a million miles away. So yes, she was a little sad. But that seemed an appropriate response given the situation and not a reason to add yet another medication, with more side effects, to her daily intake. And it wasn't what she'd come here for.

"We could try you on Restoril, one each night at bedtime. It'll get you to sleep quickly and allow you to stay asleep for about six hours, and you shouldn't wake up groggy in the morning."

"I'd like something stronger."

There was a long pause.

"I think I'd like you to make an appointment to come back in with your husband, and we can talk about prescribing something stronger."

"This doesn't concern my husband. I'm not depressed, and I'm not desperate. I'm aware of what I'm asking for, Tamara."

Dr. Moyer studied her face carefully. Alice studied hers. They were both older than forty, younger than old, both married, highly educated professional women. Alice didn't know her doctor's politics. She'd see another doctor if she had to. Her dementia was going to get worse. She couldn't risk waiting any longer. She might forget.

She had rehearsed additional dialogue but didn't need to use it. Dr. Moyer got out her prescription pad and began to write.

SHE WAS BACK IN THAT tiny testing room with Sarah Something, the neuropsychologist. She'd reintroduced herself to Alice just a moment ago, but Alice had promptly forgotten her last name. Not a good omen. The room, however, was as she remembered it from January--cramped, sterile, and impersonal. It contained one desk with an iMac computer on it, two cafeteria chairs, and a metal file cabinet. Nothing else. No windows, no plants, no pictures or calendar on the walls or desk. No distractions, no possible hints, no chance associations.