Radclyffe - Love's Melody Lost

"Im going down to clear the brush from around the lower fountain," she growled as Helen joined her in the kitchen around seven-thirty. "I wont be up for lunch."

Helen stared after her in confusion. She had just run into Graham coming out of her study, and she had snarled at Helens cheery good morning. What had happened to every one overnight!?

**********

As it turned out, Anna was forced to abandon her work early that afternoon. A storm blew up unexpectedly, as was wont to happen on the Cape in summer. Carrying her tools up to the gardenshed, she saw Christine and Graham on the rear terrace. The wind was blowing too hard for Anna to hear their conversation, but Christine was obviously upset. She grasped Grahams arm, pressing close to her. Anna had no desire to witness any more of their private moments. She was about to turn away when Graham, looking gravely serious, bent her head and kissed Christine. Christine clung to her, pulling Grahams willowy figure even closer, fervently returning the kiss. Anna did turn from them then; she needed no further proof of Christines hold on Graham.

"I wont be down for dinner tonight, Helen," she said when she found Helen in the laundry room. "II have some work I need to finish."

"Arent you feeling well?" Helen asked in concern. "Has something happened?" She was well aware of the changes in Anna since Christine had arrived. She was quiet and reclusive, clearly unhappy. Helen hadnt wanted to intrude, but she was becoming more and more worried, about both Anna and Graham. Despite Christines constant attention, Graham was restrained and brooding. And it hadnt escaped Helens attention that Graham absolutely refused to play for Christine. Graham was walking the grounds late at night again, a sure sign that she was troubled. And now, Anna too!

"Im really fine," Anna said, forcing a light tone. "I just - cant. Not tonight."

Helen watched her retreating form as she hurried from the room and wondered if those hadnt been tears on her cheeks.

**********

Alone in her room, Anna stood for hours looking out to the sea. She struggled to make sense of her confused emotions, but the images of Graham and Christine were all she could envision. She knew she couldnt watch them together day after day. It was too painful, finally more painful than the alternative. Perhaps if last night had never happened she could have learned to live with the reality of Graham loving someone else. Maybe with time, seeing her, but always being apart from her, wouldnt tear her heart out. That was impossible now. Being in her arms last night had changed everything. Their skin may have been separated by the convention of clothing, but what the shear force of Graham's embrace had evoked was irreversible. She had known the length of Grahams body against hers, had stroked the coiled muscles of her back, and felt the heat of her leg between her own. She would never be able to deny her longing, or control her desire, or tolerate the sight of Christine in Grahams arms. She was not so big a fool as to believe she could stand that. Just as she reached the only decision open to her, a knock sounded on her door.

"Anna? Its Grahammay I come in?"

Anna wiped the tears from her eyes, struggling to compose herself.

"Hello," she said softly as she opened the door.

Graham looked concerned. "Are you all right? Helen said not to expect you for dinner."

"Yes. Im fine."

"I see," Graham replied. She gestured with her hand. "May I come in?"

"Of course." Anna remained standing, too restless to sit.

Graham sensed Annas distress, and she worried she was the cause of it. She had agonized over her lapse the evening before, finally leaving the gathering over Christines protests to spend the night pacing in her study. She had overstepped her bounds, and she had no excuse for it. For a brief moment she had forgotten everything - the loss of her sight, the loss of Christine, even the loss of her music - all had faded into the awareness of Anna against her, breathing life into her with her desire. She had succumbed to the physical demands of her body, and God only knew what she might have done if Christine hadnt interrupted them. She had been perilously close to making love to Anna right there on the balcony. The vestiges of arousal lingered throughout the night, and even now, with Anna near, she struggled to maintain her distance. She had hoped Anna might overlook her indiscretion, but now she wasnt sure. "What is it, Anna?" she asked seriously.

Anna spoke the painful words before she lost courage. "Graham, Ive been meaning to speak with you for some time. Ive decided to move back to the city."

Grahams head jerked as if she had been slapped, her face draining of color. "But why?" she gasped. She felt the words like a physical blow. Her chest ached, and she struggled for breath. "Is it because of my behavior last night? Anna?! I have no excuse - Im sorry, I - what can I say? It wont happen again, you have my word! Please believe me!""

Anna laughed at the bitter irony. "I do believe you. Its not about last night, and if it were, it is I who should apologize."

"Then what, for Gods sake?" Graham demanded, her voice hoarse with strain.

Anna looked away, unable to face her suffering. She knew her resolve would weaken if she saw Graham in pain. "I need to be closer to the university, and Im "

Shes young and she wants a life, you fool! Graham stopped her, unable to stand the crushing truth. "You dont need to explain," she said harshly. "This is no life for you here, isolated on this godforsaken pinnacle of forgotten land! I understand, of course you must leave."

No you dont understand! Anna wanted to scream . But how can I tell you that I cant stand to see you with Christine? How can I say I love you when I know it will only drive you away! Graham looked so vulnerable, Anna bit her lip to keep back the words. She longed to bring the smile back to Graham's face, to stroke the lines from her brow. She wanted to fling herself into her arms. Oh god! Must she really leave?

Graham summoned every ounce of her formidable will, forcing the pain into the recesses of her soul. That was something she had grown used to doing, and now it served her well. She would not let Anna know this was destroying her; she would save her pride.

"Christine will be leaving tomorrow. Can you stay until I arrange some business affairs?" Grahams tone was empty of any emotion, and her expression revealed nothing of her inner despair. She had expected this, but now that it had happened, it was so much worse than she had imagined! For a short time Anna had brought life to this desolate place, to her desolate heart. She had not dared to hope that Anna would stay. Yardley, and all it held within its walls, was dying. It was selfish and foolhardy to think that Anna would have any reason to remain.

"Leaving?" Anna cried. "But I thought"

Graham looked toward her, a question in her eyes. "You thought what?"

Anna was more confused than ever. She could do nothing save tell the truth.

"I thought you and she were lovers. I thought thats why she had come back."

Graham walked to the fireplace, extending one long arm along the mantle, facing the empty grate. "Yeswe were, once. I was twenty-five years old and my whole life was music. I never knew, nor wanted -anything more. Oh, I didnt lack for company. There were -dalliances- usually with women impressed by my reputation. The reality generally proved much less to their liking. Then suddenly Christine entered my life. She was so young, so beautiful, so vital. She showed me a passion that nearly matched my music. I was mad about her, mad for her. But it was my passion, not hers. She never really felt the same, but I refused to see that. I wouldnt believe that my love was more than she wanted, or, as it turned out, not the kind of love she wanted. She tried to tell me that I was too demanding, too possessivetoo intense for her, I think she said. I have yet to understand how love can be too intense."