Radclyffe - Love's Melody Lost

Graham laughed bitterly. "I wouldnt hear what she was trying to tell me. I was so certain of myself. I thought with my music and Christine by my side I had all I needed in this life." She paused, her hand clenched tightly around the mantles edge. When she spoke again, her voice was tight with pain. "The night of the accident, she told me she was leaving me to get married. I nearly went mad, thinking of her with him - all the time she had been with me. I was wild, raging with jealousy. I swore I wouldnt let her leave me. I frightened her, although god knows I never would have touched her in anger. She tried to jump from the car, and when I grabbed for her I lost control of the wheel. I just managed to pull her under me when we started to roll. The next thing I remember was waking up in the hospital. I heard my fathers voice. When I opened my eyes, I knew instantly that I was blind. The darkness was everywhere, but nowhere deeper than in my heart. It was all my fault, you see. I had been too proud and too arrogant to hear that she was unhappy, that she in fact did not share my passion. She did not love me, and I nearly killed her."

Grahams voice broke with the all too familiar bitter memories. She had almost killed Christine, the woman she swore she loved with all her heart. Losing her sight had seemed like a small price to pay. And now Anna would be gone too. She tried unsuccessfully to hide the tears that coursed down her cheeks. She fought desperately to seal the pain away once more. She flinched when Anna brushed the tears from her face.

"Please dont," Graham managed. "I didnt mean for you to see this. Please forget it, wont you?"

"Im so sorry, Graham. I didnt know," Anna whispered tenderly. All thoughts of her own despair dissipated in the face of Grahams agony. "I saw you together in the garden today. I saw you kissing her. I cant believe she could leave you again."

Graham shook her head, not comprehending Annas words. "I told her today that I had no wish for us to be together again. Anna, I was kissing her good bye."

Anna could only imagine that Graham was afraid to trust Christine again. Regardless of her own tangled emotions, she had no desire to see Graham suffer any more than she already had. "Graham, you mustnt be afraid. You can try again. Perhaps youve both changed. It could be different now. You neednt be alone"

"Anna," Graham said vehemently, "you dont understand. I dont love ChristineI dont want to love her. She has come here to escape her boredom, or to torture her husband with the reminder of our affair, but eventually she would tire of the charade, and she would leave. If I let her stay, it would be a mockery of love. I wont have that!" She shook her head fiercely, her voice strident in protest. "No! Christine does not love me - perhaps she never did."

The words brought both a deep sadness and a curious sense of relief as she spoke them. Exhausted, Graham sank into the chair, trying to find a way to cope with Annas leaving. She bowed her head into her hand, too weary to struggle any longer. "Im sorry. Please excuse my outburst. All of this has been - hard for me. Just give me a moment, then Ill go."

Anna took a deep breath. "Graham, I dont want to leave Yardley. This last month has been difficult, especially when I thought you and Christine were reuniting. I didnt think Id be needed any longer. But I have been happy here, happier than I have ever been, and I dont want to leave."

Graham drew a shuddering breath. "Are you sure?" The eyes she turned to Anna were wounded, nearly devoid of hope. She hadnt the strength to contain her despair, and the sight of it ripped at Annas heart.

Her situation with Graham was no clearer, but at least she wouldnt have to face Christine every day. She knew she would be miserable if she left. She couldnt imagine never seeing Graham again. At least now she would have time to make some sense of her tumultuous desires. Anna cupped Grahams face gently in her hands. "Im very sure. I want to stay."

Graham pressed her lips to Annas palm, her relief nearly palpable. Only time would tell if Anna had made the right decision.

Chapter Fourteen

With Christines departure, a semblance of harmony returned to Yardley. With the end of summer, Anna resumed her classes three days a week, which left more than ample time to manage the household needs and Grahams business requirements. She met with Graham at the end of her day, and more often than not, they merely talked. Graham was keenly interested in Annas studies, and Anna found herself recounting her days in detail while they shared a glass of sherry. It was something she looked forward to each day, and it seemed that Graham did as well. Their relationship had developed into a comfortable but reserved companionship.

Neither of them made further mention of the episode on the balcony the night of Helens party. Anna did not know how to broach it, and Graham seemed to avoid any possibility of intimacy. Although Graham welcomed their conversations, she was physically remote. She was careful not to touch Anna even when it would have been natural to. Her caution in this regard did not escape Annas notice, and Anna interpreted it as an unspoken declaration from Graham that their brief physical interlude had been an aberration of circumstance. It had been a tense and stressful period for both of them, and in the intensity of the moment that night, Graham had responded to Annas overture. Obviously, it was not something Graham wished to repeat.

Anna for her part tried her best to forget what had passed between them, and to content herself with the relationship they were slowly, carefully building. Graham was not so quick to withdraw from her at the slightest mention of her past; in fact, to Annas amazement, Graham occasionally alluded to some previous event with an ease that was absent a few months before. Graham was beginning to trust her, and for now that appeared to be the most she could hope for. Anna resigned herself to what they could share together, because she knew in the final analysis, she would be miserable without Graham in her life. She tried not to think of what she would do if what they had now was all Graham ever wanted.

Perhaps the only person at Yardley who was able to see just what was happening between the two of them was Helen. She knew the extent to which Graham was capable of closing off parts of herself, and of denying her own wants and needs. Graham had deluded herself for years with Christine. Helen wondered if she would be as successful disavowing her feelings for Anna.

When Helen brought tea into Graham late one afternoon, Graham greeted her warmly. She was at work at the piano, as relaxed as Helen had seen her in many years. Helen thought approvingly of how good Graham looked. She was no longer unnaturally pale, nor wraithlike thin. Her lean form was stronger from the time she spent outside. She had taken to joining Helen and Anna most evenings for dinner, and their conversations were light and easy. Helen thought she understood the reason for Grahams emergence from the torpor that had enveloped her, but she wondered if Graham truly did. As Graham grew more peaceful, Helen couldnt help but notice that Anna became more despondent.

"Thank you, Helen," Graham said fondly as she rose, stretching from her seat at the piano. She felt wonderfulher world was filled with sound, the way it had been when she was young. Her blood stirred with long-forgotten excitement. She attributed it to the ease with which she was working and the satisfaction that brought her. She refused to admit to herself that Annas return was the moment she waited for all day.

"You look happy, Graham," Helen remarked.

"Happy?" Graham said, wondering if that was what she felt. "Yes, perhaps thats it. At any rate, Helen, the music is returningand that is more than I ever expected to have again in this life."