Andrea Dworkin - Mercy

there wasn’t enough light even for me so I had to sit and wait

for the lights to go down all the w ay and the movie to start. I

crossed m y legs because I thought it was sophisticated. I

crossed them one way, then the other way. I opened the top

buttons on my blouse because I was alone now and I could do

what I wanted. The man sat down and the usher wasn’t there

because I tried to look but I didn’t want to insult the man by

acting like anything was wrong. I didn’t understand w hy he

had to sit there and I wished he wouldn’t but you had to be nice

to people who sat next to you in a bus or in a synagogue or

anywhere and I wanted to move but he hadn’t done anything

bad and I knew it would be an insult to him and I didn’t think I

was better than other people. He said some things to me and I

tried to look straight ahead and I tried to be polite and not talk

to him at the same time and I tried to ask him to leave me alone

but not to be rude because he was an adult and it wasn’t right to

be mean anyway. I didn’t understand what was w rong

because people sit next to people all the time but I thought he

could move over one seat and not be right next to me but I

didn’t know how to say he should m ove over w ith o u t. it

seeming like I was mean or thought he was dirty or poor or

something bad. He said things and I said yes or no or I don’t

know or I don’t think so and kept looking ahead to show I

w asn’t interested in talking and had other things on m y mind

and he told me I was pretty and grow n up and I said I was ju st a

child really and I had never been to the m ovies before m yself

and m y mother was waiting for me and I wanted to watch the

m ovie but when someone says yo u ’re pretty you have to say

thank you. Then the lights went o ff and it was really dark and

the room was dark and big, an enormous cave o f darkness, and

I felt buried alive in it as if it wasn’t good and then the light

started flickering across things from the screen and the man

put his arm around m y shoulder and I asked him not to touch

me but I was very polite because I thought he was just being a

friendly person because people only touched you if they were

your friends or your relatives and liked you and I wanted to

scream for the usher to come but I was afraid o f making noise

because it w asn’t right to make noise and I didn’t want to do

something w rong and insult the man and he did all those

things, many things but as i f it was one thing with no breaks or

stops in it because he ju st curled and curved and slid all over

with his arms everywhere and his mouth all over and his hands

everywhere and keeping me in the seat without stopping, and

he kept whispering and he hurt me and I didn’t know what to

do except that grow n-ups don’t cry or make noise and he

pushed his hands in me and I didn’t know what to do, except

he was hurting me, and he slumped more over me and in m y

chest and kept pressing me and then he slumped again and

shaked and stopped pressing so hard and I pulled m yself aw ay

from him grabbing on me and I ran and I ran all the w ay up the

aisle in the dark and I found the usher w ho was all the w ay in

the back and I said the man was bothering me but I was afraid

to say what he did and the usher didn’t say anything or do

anything so I asked if I could sit somewhere else please and

could he keep the man from bothering me please because I

knew you weren’t supposed to talk in the movies and the usher

could make you stop and he just stared at me and he took me

somewhere else with his flashlight and I sat there making my

shirt right and my pants right but I couldn’t make them right

and wiping my hand dry and I sat there looking all around in

the dark and there wasn’t enough light from the movie for me

to see where the man was and I couldn’t look at the movie

because I kept looking for the man but I was afraid that if he

saw me looking for him he would think I was wanting him to

come and I kept trying to see where he was in the dark and i f he

was going to try to talk to me more and the movie kept going

on but I was afraid to watch it because maybe the man would

come and I knew I couldn’t find my mother because it wasn’t

time to meet her yet and I had to stay in the movies or I didn’t

have anywhere to go and then the man came and I was going

to scream or hit him or shout but I was afraid to because I was

never allowed to hit adults, no such thing could ever happen,

and he looked at me and he stared and he walked by and down

the aisle and I was afraid he would come back and I got up and I

ran, I ran out, I ran into the street, into the cars, into the hot air,

into the light, it was like running into a wall o f heat and I

couldn’t breathe, and I ran to the department store and once

when I was a little child I had gotten lost in a department store

and I was lost from m y mother a long time and someone took

me to the manager because I was crying and lost and scared

and they announced over the loudspeaker for m y mother to

come find me and she came and this was the first time I was

ever so scared since then but I w ouldn’t cry or make noise

because I didn’t want the man to find me so I kept running and

saying I needed the manager and I needed m y mother and it

was an emergency but I kept as quiet as I could and I couldn’t

breathe so they called her on the loudspeaker and then when

she came I shook and cried and I tried to tell her and she said,

did anything happen, and I kept saying yes and I kept trying to

say each thing that happened and then we were on the bus and I

kept crying but I w asn’t supposed to talk because people could

hear and it was something bad, and then we got home and I

said how I didn’t want the man to sit next to me and I didn’t

know how to tell him to go away because he was an adult and I

didn’t mean to do something w rong but I didn’t know how to

tell the man not to rub because I didn’t even know what it was

or if it was a mistake because maybe he was making a mistake

because it was dark and maybe he thought I was someone else

that he knew or it was some other mistake and when I told him

he didn’t listen to me and he rubbed me and I didn’t want him

to, I wanted him to go away, and I tried to be polite and act like

an adult and not make noise in public and I didn’t cry like a

child and he had a dark jacket on and they asked me if it was