Dodie Smith - I Capture the Castle

"Of course I know you didn't really go for her, it was all a mistake, but- well, you were very angry with her. Oh, Father--do you think

that's what has been the matter with you that you stopped getting

violent? Has repressing your temper somehow repressed your talent?"

He gave a sarcastic snort and didn't even bother to look round.

"Who put that brilliant idea into your head his Was it Topaz ?"

"No, I thought of it myself--just this minute."

"Very ingenious of you. But it happens to be nonsense."

"Well, it's no sillier than believing you dried up because you went to prison," I said- astonishing myself again.

"Some people do think that, you know."

"Idiots!" said Father.

"Good God, how could a few months in prison do me any harm? I've often thought I'd like to be back there; at least the warders never sat round holding postmortems on me. Oh, for the peace of that little cell!"

His tone was very sarcastic but nothing like so angry as I had

expected, so I plucked up my courage to go on.

"Have you any idea yourself what stopped you working?"--I kept my voice calm and conversational.

"Simon thinks, of course .. his He swung round instantly, interrupting me.

"Simon his were you and he discussing me ?"

"Well, we were being interested in you-was "And what theories did Simon put forward?"

I had meant to say that Simon had suggested psycho-analysis, but Father looked so angry again that I funked it and racked my brains for

something more tactful. At last I brought out:

"Well, he once thought you might have been held back because you were such an original writer that you couldn't just develop like ordinary

writers --that you'd have to find some quite new way-was I was

floundering, so I finished up quickly.

"He said something like it that first evening they ever came

here--don't you remember?"

"Yes, perfectly," said Father, relaxing.

"I was very much impressed.

I've since come to the conclusion that it was merely a bit of supremely tactful nonsense on Simon's part, God bless him; but at the time it

certainly fooled me. I'm not at all sure that wasn't what started me

on ." He broke off.

"Well, well, run along to bed, my child."

I cried out, "Oh, Father--do you mean you have found a new way to work?

Do all these crazy things the crosswords and little Folks and The

Homing Pigeon and what not--do they really mean something?"

"Great heavens, what do you take me for his Of course they mean

something."

"Even the willow-pattern plate--and trying to read gramophone records?

How exciting! Though I simply can't imagine. his "You don't have to,"

said Father, firmly.

"You just have to mind your own business."

"But couldn't I help you his I'm reasonably intelligent, you know.

Don't you ever feel you want to talk to anyone ?"

"I do not," said Father.

"Talk, talk- you're as bad as Topaz. As if either of you would have the remotest idea what I was driving at!

And if I'd talked to her, she'd have told every painter in London and you'd tell Simon and he'd write a well-turned article about it.

Good lord, how long does an innovation remain one if it's talked about his And, anyway, with me secrecy's the very essence of creation.

Now go away!"

I said: "I will if you'll answer me just one question.

How long will it be before the book's finished ?"

"Finished? It isn't even begun! I'm still collecting material though that'll go on indefinitely, of course." He began to walk about,

talking more to himself than to me.

"I believe I could make a start now if I could get a scaffolding that really satisfied me. I need a backbone--" "Was that why you took the haddock's ?" I said involuntarily.

He turned on me at once.

"Don't be facetious!" Then I think he saw from my face that I hadn't meant to be, because he gave a snort of laughter and went on: "No, the haddock may be said to have turned into a red herring across the

trail-lots of things do. I don't know, though the ladder like pattern was interesting. I must study the fishes of the world--and whales and the forerunners of whales was He was talking to himself again, moving about the room. I kept dead quiet. He went on, "Primeval,

antediluvian -the ark his No, not the Bible again. Prehistoric --from the smallest bone of the mammoth his Is there a way there ?" He

hurried to his desk and made a note; then sat there, still talking to himself. I could only make out broken phrases and disjointed

words-things like:

"Design, deduction, reconstruction--symbol-pattern and problem search for ever unfolding--enigma eternal..." His voice got quieter and quieter until at last he was silent.

I sat there staring at the back of his head framed in the heavy stone mullions of the window beyond it. The lamp on his desk made the

twilight seem a deep, deep blue. The tick of the little traveling

clock that used to be Mother's sounded unbelievably loud in the

quietness. I wondered if the idea he was searching for was coming to

him. I prayed it might- for his own happiness;

by then I had hope it could be in time to help Rose and me.

After a few minutes I began to think I had better creep out, but I was afraid that opening the door would make a noise.

"And if an idea has come," I thought, "disturbing him now might wreck everything." Then it struck me that if he once got used to having me in the room, I might be a real help- it came back to me that he had

liked Mother to sit with him while he wrote, provided she kept quite

still; he wouldn't even let her sew. I remembered her telling me how

hard she had found it in the beginning, how she had told herself she

would manage just five more minutes, then another five--until the

minutes grew into hours. I said to myself: "In ten minutes her little clock will chime nine. I'll sit still until then."

But after a couple of minutes, bits of me began to tickle maddeningly.

I stared at the lamplit face of the clock almost praying to it to

hurry-its ticking seemed to get louder and louder, until it was right inside my ears. I had just got to a stage when I felt I couldn't bear it a second longer when the wind burst one of the south windows open, the American newspapers tacked to the bookshelves blew up with a great flap, and Father swung round.

His eyes seemed to have sunk deeper into his head;

he blinked. I could see he was coming back from very far away. I

expected him to be angry at my still being there, but he just said

"Hello" with a sort of dazed pleasantness.

"Was the idea any good ?" I ventured.

For a second, he didn't seem to know what I was talking about. Then he said, "No, no--another marsh light. were you holding your fingers crossed for me, poor mouselike child? Your Mother used to sit like

that."

"I know. I was thinking of her a minute ago."

"Were you his So was I. Probably telepathy."

The newspapers flapped again and he went to close the window; then

stood looking down into the courtyard. I thought he was going to

forget me again, so I said, quickly:

"Mother helped you quite a lot, didn't she?"

"Yes, in an odd, oblique way." He sat down on the window-seat apparently quite prepared for a little chat.

"God knows she never had an idea in her head, dear woman, but she'd the most extraordinary habit of saying useful things by accident--like

mentioning the name "Jacob" when I was searching for a central idea for Jacob Wrestling. Actually, she was talking about the milkman. And having her in the room seemed to give me confidence--the atmosphere

used to become quite thick with her prayers. Well, good night, my