Dodie Smith - I Capture the Castle

reason, that made me more unhappy than ever. And the prospect of

seeing him again in the morning held no comfort for me;

I had found out in that glittering corridor off the ballroom that being with him could be more painful than being away from him.

Rose was sitting up in bed waiting for me. I remember noticing how

pretty her bright hair looked against the white velvet headboard.

She said: "I've put out one of my trousseau nightgowns for you."

I thanked her and hoped I wouldn't tear it--it seemed very fragile. She said there were plenty more, anyway.

"Well, now we can talk," I said, brightly-meaning "you can."

I no longer had any intention of questioning her about her feelings for Simon--of course she loved him, of course nothing would stop the

marriage, my coming to London had been an idiotic mistake.

"I don't think I want to tonight," she said.

This surprised me--she had seemed so keen on talking--but I just said:

"Well, there'll be plenty of time tomorrow."

She said she supposed so, hardly sounding enthusiastic; then asked me to put the roses in the bathroom for the night. As I went to get them, she looked down at Simon's card on the bedside table and said: "Chuck that in the wastepaper-basket, will you?"

She didn't say it casually, but with a sort of scornful resentment.

My resolution not to speak just faded away and I said:

"Rose, you don't love him."

She gave me a little ironic smile and said:

"No. Isn't it a pity?"

There it was--the thing I had hoped for! But instead of feeling glad, instead of feeling any flicker of hope, I felt angry--so angry that I didn't dare to let myself speak. I just stood staring at her until she said:

"Well? Say something."

I managed to speak quite calmly.

"Why did you lie to me that night you got engaged ?"

"I didn't. I really thought I was in love. When he kissed me-Oh, you wouldn't understand--you're too young."

I understood, all right. If Stephen had kissed me before I knew that I loved Simon, I might have made the same mistake--particularly if I had wanted to make it, as Rose did. But I went on feeling angry.

"How long have you known?" I demanded.

"Weeks and weeks, now--I found out soon after we came to London; Simon's with me so much more here. Oh, if only he wasn't so in love

with me! Can you understand what I mean? It isn't only that he wants

to make love to me--come minute we're together I can feel him asking

for love. He somehow links it with everything --if it's a particularly lovely day, if we see anything beautiful or listen to music together.

It makes me want to scream. Oh, God--I didn't mean to tell you. I

longed to----I knew it would be a relief;

but I made up my mind not to, only a few minutes ago, because I knew it would be selfish. I'm sorry you got it out of me. I can see it's

upset you dreadfully."

"That's all right," I said.

"Would you like me to tell him for you?"

"Tell him?" She stared at me.

"Oh, no wonder you're upset! Don't worry, darling--I'm still going to marry him."

"No, you're not," I told her.

"You're not going to do anything so wicked."

"Why is it suddenly wicked? You always knew I'd marry him whether I loved him or not--and you helped me all you could, without ever being sure I was in love with him."

"I didn't understand--it was just fun, like something in a book.

It wasn't real." But I knew in my heart that my conscience had always felt uneasy and I hadn't listened to it. All my unhappiness had been a judgment on me.

"Well, it's real enough now," said Rose grimly.

My own guilt made me feel less angry with her. I went and sat on the

bed and tried to speak reasonably.

"You can't do it, you know, Rose--just for clothes and jewelry and bathrooms--" "You talk as if I were doing it all for myself," she broke in on me.

"Do you know what my last thoughts have been, lying here night after night?

"Well, at least they've had enough to eat at the castle today"--why, even Heloise is putting on weight! And I've thought of you more than

anyone- of all the things I can do for you when I'm married his "Then you can stop thinking, because I won't take anything from you was

Suddenly my anger came rushing back and words began to pour out of

me.

"And you can stop pretending that you're doing it for us all--it's simply to please yourself, because you can't face poverty. You're

going to wreck Simon's life because you're greedy and cowardly was I

went on and on, in a sort of screaming whisper--all the time, I was

conscious that I might be heard and managed to stop myself shouting,

but I lost all of what I said; I can't even remember most of it. Rose never tried to interrupt --she just sat there staring at me. Suddenly a light of understanding dawned in her eyes. I stopped dead.

"You're in love with him yourself," she said.

"It only needed that."

And then she burst into choking sobs and buried her head in a pillow to stifle the noise.

"Oh, shut up," I said.

After a minute or two, she stopped roaring into the pillow and began to fish round for her handkerchief. You can't see a person do that

without helping, however angry you are, so I gave it to her-it had

fallen on the floor. She mopped up a bit, then said:

"Cassandra, I swear by everything I hold sacred that I'd give him up if I thought he'd marry you instead. Why, I'd jump at it- we'd still have money in the family and I wouldn't have to have him as husband. I

don't want Scoatney- I don't want a lot of luxury. All I ask is, not

to go back to quite such hideous poverty --I won't do that, I won't, I won't! And I'd have to, if I gave him up, because I know he wouldn't

fall in love with you. He just thinks of you as a little girl."

"What he thinks of me has nothing to do with it," I said.

"It's him I'm thinking of now, not me. You're not going to marry him without loving him."

She said: "Don't you know he'd rather have me that way than not at all

?"

I had never thought of that; but when she said it I saw that it was

true. It made me hate her more than ever. I started to tear the black dress off.

"That's right--come to bed," she said.

"Let's put the light out and talk things over quietly. Perhaps you only fancy you're in love with him--couldn't it be what's called "calf love," darling? You can't really know if you're in love until you've been made love to.

Anyway, you'll get over it when you meet other men- and I'll see that you do. Let's talk- let's try to help each other. Come to bed."

"I'm not coming to bed," I said, kicking the dress away.

"I'm going home."

"But you can't -not tonight! There are no trains."

"Then I'll sit in the station waiting-room till the morning."

"But why? "I'm not going to lie down beside you."

I was struggling into my green dress. She sprang out of bed and tried to stop me.

"Cassandra, please listen- his I told her to shut up or she would rouse the flat.

"And I warn you that if you try to stop me going, I'll rouse it--and tell them everything. Then you'll have to break your engagement."

"Oh, no, I won't--" It was the first time she had sounded angry.

"I'll tell them you're lying because you're in love with Simon."

"One way and another, we'd better not rouse the flat." I was hunting everywhere for my shoes which the maid had put away. Rose followed me round, half angry, half pleading.

"But what am I to tell them, if you leave tonight ?"

she asked.

"Don't tell them anything until the morning--then say I had a sudden fit of conscience about leaving Father alone and went by the early

train." I found my shoes at last and put them on.