Christopher Ransom - The Birthing House

'Positive.'

'What time was this?'

'Maybe eight thirty. Does that matter?'

'I don't know.'

'Then shut up and let me finish.'

'Sorry.'

'I think I fell asleep. I mean, I must have, because one minute I was reading and the next minute I was waking up really fast. Like when you have a dream that you're falling and your stomach freaks out and then you wake up right before you hit.'

'I think I had that same dream in this house.'

She rolled her eyes. 'Everybody has that dream. It's like the most common dream you can have, next to flying. I looked it up.'

'Excuse me.' Smarty pants . 'Go on.'

She settled into the memory, zoning out with her hand stroking Alice behind the ears. 'So I'm falling, I wake up, and the room is blurry and kind of dark. I can see shapes in the room with me. There are at least three of them. They're big, like farmers. Big rough women in heavy coats or dresses. All in gray wool or black. They are standing in the corner, watching me. It's the zeks , I thought. From the book. But not like I really thought they had come from the book. It was just a name that popped into my head. I knew these were something else.'

' Zeks ,' he said. 'The prisoners in the labor camp.'

'Right. The name just stuck in my head. I can't see their faces because everything is blurry but I can smell some chemicals and it makes me panic like I need to get out of the house and maybe that's why they're here, to get me out. I try to get up from the chair and ask them what's wrong but I can't move. The zeks are moving in a circle, surrounding me. And I guess this is when I realize it's me. Everything that's wrong here is me. I'm the thing they're staring at.

'They start to close in, tightening the circle. It looks like they're holding hands but I can't tell for sure. They seem to float toward me instead of walking. I can't hear or see their feet. I

can't lift my head. The closer they get the more gray they are. Like animal skin beneath the fur. Finally, when they are almost on top of me, I can see their faces but there are no faces. Everything above the shirts is gray. Flat, like smooth stone. I'm so out of it I'm more curious than frightened, but something inside me is saying this is bad and getting worse. My body is trying to . . . my mind is understanding that my body wants to jerk away or get up but it's like my body is thinking of it, not my mind. My mind is just watching.

'When they lean over me and their arms are coming down at me I know they are touching me. I can't feel the arms or hands but they are too close not to be touching me. I'm numb. Then I got scared. Because if they're doing something to me, shouldn't I be able to feel it?'

She paused and looked down at her hands as if wanting to make sure they were still attached to her arms. 'You're not going to believe me with the rest of this.'

'I believe you now. Why wouldn't I believe the rest?'

'The next part is where Eddie stops believing me. Like I'm telling him this for his entertainment or some shit and he gets to choose what parts he likes and what parts are stupid. But he doesn't get to choose. You don't get to choose.'

He nodded. 'I promise.'

'One of the zeks touches my forehead. Her hand is right above my eyes even though I can't move my head to look up. She stands beside me while the other two women are crouched in front of me. All I can see is the room in front of me at about waist level and a little bit above. The tops of the heads are smooth and gray like the rest of their heads and faces. Then they all jump back, because suddenly someone else was there. They all moved back and stood in the corner, like they were afraid of this other one.'

'What other one?'

'I don't know. I couldn't see. He was taller, thinner.'

'It was a man?'

'I don't know. I couldn't see him. He was wearing black like the others and his face was covered, like one of those women in the Middle East. Maybe it was a woman. I don't know - but she was big.'

'Jesus, do you think it was--'

'I don't know!'

'Okay. Calm down.'

Nadia rubbed her eyes before continuing. 'The other one was in charge. She, he. It took over. She leaned over in front of me and started pulling in bursts while her other hand is squeezing something, maybe pressing me down. And then, very faintly, for the first time I begin to feel something.

'I can feel something hard inside me, like my thighbone or my back, and it's being pulled like the handle of a stuck refrigerator door. I'm scared of what it might be and what they're doing. I think if there is something bad inside of me I want her to get it out. That doesn't make any sense, I know. But for some reason I still trusted them. A part of me feels the same way you do at the dentist. It's my fault I have a cavity. The dentist is the guy who's been working on your teeth for years. It's not pleasant, but you know he's right. You have to let him work. It was like that.

'Then two things happen at the same time. I hear a voice in my head and it's my voice but it's not me talking. It's telling me no, don't let them do it, don't let them do it, you have to stop them , and it's getting louder. It's me shouting at myself to stop whatever they are doing. The second thing that happens is I start to feel pain. It comes slowly like it's real far away. Like a train. I visualize it as a train and I can barely see the light on the front, but it's coming, and the light is the pain. The closer it comes the bigger and brighter the light becomes and the more it hurts and I know when it gets here it's going to be unbearable. I can't stop the train. I don't know why it's coming but it is.

'The one kneeling in front of me bobs her head like she sees something she likes and the me inside of me starts shouting no stop stop stop get away get up and get away and finally the pain wakes me up because it's so close now I can see the blackness behind the light and it feels like someone is burning me from the inside out, and it makes my body jerk and then I have to move. The more I move the more it hurts. And the more it hurts the more scared I am. She starts pulling again and I can feel the arms in front of me, and maybe something like hands inside of me. I'd never had anything inside of me, not inside of me . . . not then, and so I can't be sure, but I'm pretty sure she's inside me and she wants to take me apart in there. You'll never be put back together again! the voice screams at me. Once it comes out you can never put it back in!

'Then the worst thing happens. All three of the zeks in the corner snap their heads up all at once. For the first time I can see their eyes. Their eyes are marbles, black like a newborn's eyes. I'm still waiting for them to smother me or tear me apart when she rakes her arms down over me and the pain explodes inside me and the blood, so much blood, it's black like ink comes out and covers her arms and her face. The ones in the corner run from the room but she stays a minute longer, speaking in a voice that is either mumbled or in another language, I can't understand her, but it's a prayer she saying over me, I think. And then she is gone. The pain is so bad the dark room is gone and everything is white and I can't think or see or move, it's obliterating me the pain is so incredible. It's beyond me, it's impossible to describe because I wasn't there any more and it felt clean. Like it was washing them all away, the zeks can't hurt me, and she can't be inside me any more because the pain and the white is too strong for them. And that's it. Then it was over.'

Conrad swallowed audibly. 'Did you wake up?'

'I was awake. I had been awake the whole time.'

'I don't get it.'

'It just ended. The white and the pain faded and when it was gone I was alone on the bed. I went to check on the kids. They were lying in bed with their eyes open, staring at the ceiling. They looked like they were dead.'